When the good guy is also very sexual too early

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2022-10-03T13:25:11+00:00

If making out leads to something you're not comfortable with, then maybe stop making out. I'd be worried that you have to physically push him off to make him stop.

It seems he has actually no intention of waiting until marriage. He SAYS he want to, but he does the opposite thing. He's clearly telling you something with his behavior. You are allowed to have your values and boundaries, he is allowed to have his. If they're not compatible, then... then what? It's up to you to decide. But for the love of God please don't get married just to have sex.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2022-10-03T13:46:53+00:00

Sounds like he lied to you about celibacy.

He’s just saying whatever you want to hear. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. That’s how you figure out who a man really is.

Strixt · 2022-10-03T13:53:56+00:00

Do you both actively go to church together?

Born again Christian would imply you both actively read the Bible together and go to church functions to get to know one another and each other’s friends/church group?

stripe_throwaway · 2022-10-03T13:24:17+00:00

If you can't trust him to respect your boundaries and you're only two months in, what other surprises could you find out about later down the road?

amhran_oiche · 2022-10-03T15:13:02+00:00

It doesn't sound like he actually agrees with the boundaries you brought up. A man of God wouldn't beg to have sex with you after knowing where your heart is. This does not sound like the spiritual leader us women of God are really looking for.

oliveshoot · 2022-10-03T14:59:23+00:00

The spirit is willing, but the body is weak. He may really want to, but he may really struggle with following through. It's simply very difficult--even more so for a man's generally higher libido--and you need to be able to help each other *both* out when you want to avoid getting physical too often. You both need strong boundaries, strong communication, and a thorough vetting process. I agree that if you ask for celibacy before marriage--which is laudable and is truly worth it--you will need to vet quicker and either get on with starting plans in at least month four or five for marriage, or let them go before you break your own boundaries of celibacy. In reality, this precise issue of pushing physical boundaries is the first "hurdle" you will both face together. You have both waffled on your boundaries. You both need friends and church to hold you accountable.

If you both really care for each other, the waiting will be a serious thing and the marriage will be a serious thing. I'd personally reinforce my own boundaries, help him reinforce his own while communicating that you really do seriously care for him, and vet as thoroughly as possible. Talk a ton about all the marriage questions you need to communicate about, and then make a decision in a couple months. Celibacy will require a lot of sensitive communication, maturity, self control, and honestly forgiveness as people make little mistakes. But if he makes big mistakes that you cannot compromise on, you will need to have a plan for breakup.

breadcake5245 · 2022-10-03T15:07:36+00:00

The key to successfully being celibate until marriage is to have a short courtship/dating/engagement. If you are with someone you are sexually compatible with and that you find attractive (and who finds you attractive) it will be hard to wait, especially for a long time. Also, limit your alone time. In our society, where couples are alone a lot, it makes it harder to stay accountable. I wouldn’t be alone with him at his house or yours if you truly want to commit to being celibate. Being alone in a house with a man who you’re attracted to and love is too tempting for many people.

I wanted to wait until marriage too, and even though my husband and I got engaged after only ten months, we still couldn’t wait until the wedding. We were alone at his apartment the first time we went all the way (which is why being alone with a bed accessible isn’t good if you’re wanting to be celibate). We are very sexually compatible and have a great sex life, no complaints there for either of us now that we are married. But the guilt of not waiting until the wedding will stay with me forever.

To add: this is me speaking from a Christian POV, I was raised Christian my entire life and it was how we were expected to date. The assumption was that you weren’t having sex, but also that by one year of dating, you should know by then if you want to marry or not. So there was a specified amount of time for abstinence, and the guys knew it wouldn’t be forever.

DamselHasBeenBlessed · 2022-10-03T13:47:48+00:00

You say you're not looking for perfection, but waiting until marriage when neither of you are virgins is a pretty tall order. I disagree with the claim that men can't wait for some time to get to know a woman. My husband was far from virginal and waited eight months for me, after having decided he was done with the hookup scene about two years before we met. When we did have sex, we were already discussing marriage in hypotheticals.

That said, what's your basis for believing this man was celibate of his own volition before you? If that's the case, two months really isn't long to "beg" for sex, which sounds incredibly unattractive, by the way. Perhaps you two need to discuss if he really feels this way, if it sounded like a good idea when you pitched it, or if he just wants to tell you what he knows you want to hear. That doesn't necessarily mean he's being malicious, but if his heart isn't in it, that seems like something of an impasse. Marriage is a pretty hard requirement. If it's one you're committed to, at just two months, it should be easy enough to avoid situations where you can remove clothing.

LightAtEnd · 2022-10-03T13:01:40+00:00

Haha, sounds like my friend.

Talks a lot of shit to a woman that she wants to hear for a few months, fucks her and than ghosts. If he is already pushing your boundaries you should watch out. If you’ve already stated what you are comfortable with

Cosima_Fan_Tutte · 2022-10-03T14:22:53+00:00

Have you talked about possible timelines for marriage? Dare I say, 12-18 months if you intend to remain celibate until your wedding night? (Frankly, even six months isn't completely unreasonable for two grown adults who have their lives together.)

Are you having serious conversations about lifestyles, finances, religion, parenting styles, etc.? Meeting each other's families? Involved in a church that actively endorses premarital chastity?

sunglasses90 · 2022-10-03T12:21:24+00:00

It sounds like he’s not actually fundamentally against sex before marriage. Although neither of you are a virgin so you’re not as fundamentally against sex before marriage as you say you are either.

It’s going to be very difficult to find a high quality man who will wait until marriage for sex. If he’s high quality other women will have sex with him so you better be Mother Theresa and a 10/10 on gorgeousness scale for him to forgo sex for you.

With that said, still you should wait until you’re comfortable with this guy and/or in a committed relationship with him.

If you still are religiously against sex then I’d find a guy from your church, but again you’re not a virgin so…… what is the point I guess?

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-10-03T18:33:10+00:00

he takes his clothes off and begs for us to have sex.

I cannot imagine anyone ever doing this.

Laurely4u · 2022-10-03T18:58:26+00:00

In general it’s not a good idea to get in a man’s car or meet him at a hotel, nor any private residence neither a friends house nor his place nor yours nor anyplace private especially not a room with a bed in it until you’re ready for sex to happen. Just arrange your own transportation to the restaurant and your own transportation home. Only plan lunch type dates for mid day. That will help solve the problem.

WorthSevere5323 · 2022-10-04T03:02:48+00:00

A born again Christian begging for sex outside of marriage?? Yeah… sounds like someone hasn’t been honest.

I you’re more serious than he is about your faith this will cause more issues down the line.

The fact that he’s also pushing boundaries that you’ve clearly drawn lines about is worrisome too… with the risk of sounding dramatic this is actually really disrespectful and something I would consider a red flag.

ClarityByHilarity · 2022-10-03T16:51:55+00:00

He removes all his clothing while you are making out? Honestly that’s just weird. He’s also not respecting boundaries. He’s showing a serious lack of discipline and self control and to me that would be a huge turnoff.

My husband basically had me begging for sex with his restraint. We have a very healthy sex life and he’s never had to beg for it as he knows how to make me beg for it. That’s the dynamic I desire.

2022-10-04T13:37:59+00:00

Men are different than women. Think of the most sexually turned on you’ve ever been. That’s probably his baseline. Cut him some slack. He sounds great.

LightOverWater · 2022-10-03T13:35:27+00:00

It sounds like you have different values. Sounds like he led you on with the celibacy claim because his actions are different than his words.

he begs for us to have sex.

ick.

Obviously, that is a major and concerning red flag for me but I am also so confused because outside of that he is a catch and all I want.

It's really a question of how important this specific value is to you. If it's a dealbreaker move on, if not, consider being flexible on this value.

but I believe these boundaries exist for a reason and will be equally beneficial for both of us, especially in the long run.

Can you elaborate on this part? Why do you think this?

TheBunk_TB · 2022-10-03T12:57:05+00:00

I can't apologize for being the assholes advocate here:

Instead of tapdancing around the proverbial landmine, why don't you two get married already?

If this means that much to you both, what are you both doing?

I'm not critiquing your religious beliefs. I'm critiquing the fact that he is expected to be celibate and not have other partners.

Dude sounds healthy. He is "begging" because he doesn't have an outlet.

sasanessa · 2022-10-04T03:09:14+00:00

3 months is a long time. If you are going to get married anyway what’s the difference?

worthlesspota19 · 2022-10-23T05:50:04+00:00

I’m going to advocate for the guy since most comments are trashing him.

I don’t think women realize how sex driven men REALLY are.

It’s one thing to be told how sex crazy men are and it’s completely different to experience it.

Testosterone is a leading factor in sex drive. Men have 300-1000 nanograms whereas women have 15-70 nanograms (ng/dL)…

Here’s a comparison(probably not true, but I think it’s very helpful) all men understand the idea of “post nut clarity” a moment after orgasm where men can actually think clearly. It lasts for about 5 minutes. THAT state of mind is where women live 95% of the time.

(Again, whether it’s true or not-it’s effective in communicating to the opposite sex what it’s like)

—

I know I’m going to get a lot of hate on this one….

Well intentioned Christian men can set sexual boundaries; but you shouldn’t hold it against him if he is trying to break them or pushes the boundaries. In the moment it’s almost impossible for a thinking man to fight against his own body.

Men know this. We also know the disgust and shame we feel for breaking our boundaries. (Post nut clarity)

Someone is going to shame me and or men for “not controlling ourselves”.

To which I counter with “that IS us controlling the situation.”

You wouldn’t want to know what it’s like when we don’t control the situation. It takes us years to learn how to control it.

Can some men apply a little more discipline? Sure. No argument there. But for the ladies that read this post-you have no idea what it’s like to live with this much testosterone.

—

Last note: I don’t understand why women see “men wanting sex” as a such a red flag. The real red flag is when a man doesn’t want or is motivated by sex. That is a scary person.

Title	When the good guy is also very sexual too early
Author	Glum_Association3652
Upvotes	31
Comments	53
Date	October 3, 2022 10:20 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/xufhrd/when_the_good_guy_is_also_very_sexual_too_early/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-the-good-guy-is-also-very-sexual-too-early.1135283 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135283