I've been in a relationship for maybe 7 months now. started doubting things after the first month, because we moved pretty quickly. As in, committed to each other after like two dates, spent entire weekends together (LDR, so it's hard to just go on a date and then go back home). Some details tweaked bc paranoid he'll find this.

I (24) started to feel increasingly suffocated and withdrew from him (mid-late 30s). Now we have created an anxious/avoidant dynamic and it's even more off putting. The more he chases, the worse I feel, because I don't feel like a "catch," I feel like his whole world revolves around me, which I know is a silly complaint. But sometimes I'm like, geez, could you for once say "let's meet next week, I've got xyz plans tomorrow so I can't make the trip, but I miss you." I found myself looking for excuses not to see him, which usually ended up in me agreeing anyways and then resenting the whole situation.

Frankly, it's made me lose attraction, even though he's physically my type. I wouldn't have gone out with him if I didn't think so. Perfect husband and dad material. But despite his age, he is a bit immature, not in a bad way necessarily, but you never get the sense that he's nearing 40 even though he actually is. Unfortunately I think this is just how Millennials are though lol. I know most people want partners with similar interests as them, but sometimes I find it annoying...I want to be a bit intellectually challenged, I don't need a partner who understands zoomer slang, it kind of peeves me. It's hypocritical, because I use such slang for example/find gen z memes funny, but I mean....a lot of it basically entails talking like a 50IQ person or gay guy lol. I sometimes feel we are TOO similar, when considering our age gap, I should feel more of a difference.

I don't want to be unfair and drag on a relationship with someone who is in love with me, yet I'm reading things like "settling for mr. good enough" and so on, and I'm terrified I'm being too picky and will die alone. After all, he has shown he wants to move mountains for me. And any flaws I could find in him, I also find in myself: lack of vision in life, being a pushover in work settings, past mental health struggles, so on. But I'm posting in RPW because these things are evaluated differently in men vs. women, right? For example, my desk job is a low level subservient role, but it isn't emasculating me.

Partly scared that I'm alpha widowing myself too, and it's preventing me from accepting him and trying to work with it. I've never been with an "alpha" in the physical sense, I am not attracted to conventional "hot guys," nor are they to me... I also decided not to have premarital sex after two bad experiences a few years ago (I am a non-virgin prude, what a catch lol), so it isn't a sexual compatibility thing either.

It's just like, I guess I'm more attracted to men when I have to do a bit of the chasing, like I want to feel proud of my "catch." I've been with older (gen x) men who impressed me more intellectually, who felt like well-rounded successful Individuals rather than someone who Needed me. I guess RP explanation to this is i'm attracted to their status, since they weren't particularly "rich" either, just more accomplished, such as respected academics, artists, etc. so I felt flattered that they considered my company interesting, especially without casual sex being on the table.

Buuut it feels like I'm being an "alpha widow" because these men are are less committed, they've already had marriage/kids/etc., so it isn't their priority to rush into anything, and I either ended the relationship, or *I* became too clingy, too much of a manic pixie dream girl, and got dumped. My fault for not working more on my RMV. I probably began seeming immature/ditzy to them after a certain point (I am!). In fairness to myself w/r/t alpha widow situation, the last breakup I had was right before I met my bf, so I haven't had any amount of time to "process," and time is a factor in the constant comparisons.

My standards would be unrealistic if I always expected Gen-X masculinity, but wasn't willing to be a second wife, right?

Maybe my perfect man is a childless jaded widow hahaha but obviously I can't hold out for that...my type is "Mr. Rochester," but in real life, the wife baggage in the attic doesn't just conveniently disappear.

With bf, I feel the opposite...totally complacent, and like I walk all over him, I've said some very mean things in arguments, and if he weren't desperate to be settling, he would have dumped me by now instead of trying to hold on. When I ask for space (and I mean like, a few days to myself), he just keeps bothering me, and claiming that he's "fine," but clearly needing my validation because he wants to talk and work on it. The more we do this, the more I fall out of love.

I guess there's no advice anyone can give me, since it's ultimately my choice, and I know I wouldn't be a bad person just for breaking someone's heart, but I'm afraid that I'll never come across this again: a decently attractive guy who wants to commit, wants kids, who respects my values regarding sex and marriage.

I asked for a small break, like, I really want a week by myself to see how I feel, but he keeps incessantly messaging me still, it just frustrates me to no end -- I have expressed some of these concerns too, but it makes him even more anxious/pushy, and I also feel like a horrible toxic bitch, but I truly need to assess whether I enjoy being alone better. I don't want to break down a man's self esteem by telling him that his affection feels "needy."

Another very shallow thing that bothers me...I'm nonwhite (again keeping this vague) and he's white, and I get self conscious about the stereotype of being the "self hating ethnic girl, considered ugly in her own culture, who marries a white beta, who high value white girls wouldn't settle for." I've dated a white guy before so this wouldn't be an issue, if not for the above-described sense of desperation.

He tells me the reason he never settled down was because he never felt the way he feels about me for any of his ex-girlfriends. Like I'm his first "real" love.

I know this is supposed to feel flattering and romantic, but it makes me feel lame, and quite honestly I don't believe him, because he's also described his exes as being quite toxic...isn't it also the case that if all of your partners were bitches, it says something about you and the people you seek out/stay with, and also about me?

Now, if I was closer to 30, I wouldn't have these doubts/hesitations, like I'd probably be locking it down. I am well aware that burning passion isn't as important as stability for a real family. And nothing wrong with a man who is a softie, especially if he'll be a good provider.

But then I hear the opposite advice, like "don't marry someone you aren't 100% over the moon for, because it will end badly"!!! I'm not exactly super young anymore, I'm close to my mid 20s, I'm decent looking and have a bookish charm but am not model tier, not pure enough for the trad guys who I'd otherwise share beliefs with either, I don't know if I'm being overly critical of someone whose only concrete flaw is caring too much about me.

My "pros": thin, I live in a city, and have met a few men organically (without using dating apps/social media), so I shouldn't feel like it's impossible to repeat.

My "cons": not a domestic goddess, not a virgin but also won't put out, not getting any younger and I want kids, and women in my family have fertility issues so it'd be best to do so before my 30s

And clearly, I do care about him and have SOME feelings. I just don't know if it is that magnetic "chemistry" that some women describe about meeting their husbands - "when you know, you know." I wish I could have met him later, to get to know a few more men and get a better sense of what is out there, to properly forget about my past relationships.

Sorry this is so long. Am I overthinking myself out of a beautiful relationship/being the typical hypergamist/alpha widow? Is there a way to overcome the loss of respect for a man, or to make him work on himself instead of making me his entire goal in life? I'd like to get a "red pilled" perspective, because I know the more feminist leaning forums would tell me to keep dating around, that I can't let a fear of dying alone with cats motivate me.