This question and questions similar to it are asked by many people all the time. I remember hearing this question since as far back as I can remember. Hopefully, some clues to where all the good men are hiding will emerge by the time we reach the end of this post.

Please note - this post is intended for self reflection purposes for those seeking a new relationship as well as for those already in one.

The premise needed to ask the question

Every question in the world is based on a premise that needs no explanation. It's the foundation upon which a building is built. A question, it's answer, the subsequent questions and answers and discussion that ensue are all layers of brick on the building. The unspoken premise is akin to the unseen foundation.

What's the premise behind the question in the header for this post? There are several.

  • I deserve a relationship.
  • I deserve it with a good man.
  • All the men I've met so far don't qualify.
  • I tried, I looked, but can't find a good man.
  • Finding a good man is possible.
  • Finding a good man is very important to me.

Therefore I ask - where are all the good men? This is a genuine question coming from person who's truly puzzled by her failure to find a good man, even if it comes in a whiny manner (which many people hate listening to).

Challenging the premise

The premise needs to be challenged in order to solve this mystery because leaving it as is seems to result in the same result, challenging the premise is the next best bet. Sure, some people never had to challenge the premise in order to find a good man because they just happened to marry their high-school sweetheart. Lucky them. That doesn't help you though so it's a moot point. (I'd bet that they'd be forced to challenge elements of the premise post marriage. Most people do. The more of this you can figure out pre-marriage, the better, IMO).

Let's take them on one by one. (Of course, not every element here needs to be challenged by every person and there are certainly other elements which aren't mentioned here. This is merely a small sampling.)

  • I deserve a relationship.

Based on what?

The word deserve connotes having earned something. Based on what merit do you deserve a relationship? Sure, you want, desire and crave a relationship, but do you deserve it? Why do you deserve it?

This is a question that people in a relationship need to ask themselves from time to time. Am I deserving of my partners continuous commitment or are they still with me because they made a vow?

  • I deserve it with a good man.

Again, based on what?

"Good man" usually means "a man who brings goodness to my life". What goodness do you have to offer to his life to be deserving of this level of goodness added to your life?

  • All the men I met so far don't qualify.

This either means you haven't met enough men or, please read the next premise challenge.

  • I tried, I looked, but can't find a good man.

Okay, this is a big one. When a person says something like this, they ought to find a room covered in mirrors from all sides. They ought to stare into those mirrors and think long and hard. When you try to turn away because you can't look at yourself any longer, you're met by another mirror. When you look up or down, you see another mirror. Okay, that's a little exaggerated, but you get the point.

When a person finds fault with everyone, it's usually because that very fault is within themselves!

Good men and women are literally everywhere. You cross paths with them many times every day, at the grocery store, the bank, the street and anywhere else you go. You simply need to have realistic expectations.

It's often tossed around about a 5 on the looks scale who only wants a 9. Why would the 9 want them back? Of course this is an oversimplification because looks aren't everything in building the relationship edifice called home, but the concept is true nonetheless. It isn't realistic to expect your partner to excel at [fill in desired trait here] if you are poor or mediocre at it.

Sometimes, the surplus in one is a perfect match for the deficit of another. A talkative person may be perfectly balanced with a quiet person. A high strung person may be grounded by a calm one etc. However, in all these cases 1) There's nothing inherently negative about either side of the ying-yang. 2) The deficit itself can be a surplus of a different kind and therefore grounding as a counterbalance 3) There may be other areas where the ying-yang is reversed.

It works well as a balance when both sides of the balance are good for the relationship. It causes issues when one side of the coin is excellence and the other side is mediocrity.

  • Finding a good man is possible.

Absolutely it is! I won't challenge this premise at all. Finding a good life partner is achievable if your expectations are reasonable and you're looking in the right places.

  • Finding a good man is very important to me.

Absolutely it is, that's why you're looking. Now you just need to make "having reasonable expectations" just as important and you'll be on the road to finding the man of your dreams. What do you know? He may even be your next door neighbor, or better yet, you may already be married to him!

Cheers!