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Women who "do it all"

December 25, 2021

The modern woman is sacrificing her youth, beauty & femininity to compete with her own husband. What a horrible reality.

I work with two women who have children. Both seem to be super busy, always in a rush, every second of the day is accounted for, allocated a task etc. Both look terrible, & one ignores her femininity entirely and looks / acts like a man.

I used to think they were Super women. Bravo for doing it all, 24/7. I thought that's what I wanted to do. Now I'm not so sure. How can they stay attractive to their husbands and keep a healthy relationship when they're so spent all the time? Why are women doing this to themselves? Why would you WANT to do that?!

My husband and I will be TTC in the NY and I'm not sure to what extent I'll be able to be home full time. It just seems like the alternative is to be grinding 24/7, always late, always busy, always feeling guilty and half assing everything.

Is there another alternative? Do you or women around you, do both but still look and feel great? Do you have time for yourself?

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Post Information
Title Women who "do it all"
Author Sea_Bookkeeper_1533
Upvotes 89
Comments 22
Date December 25, 2021 7:24 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/women-who-do-it-all.1090741
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ro4yr4/women_who_do_it_all/

[–]marceqan 54 points55 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Honestly many women live this lifestyle because they have no choice. They are expected to juggle career, family and looks at the same time and if they fail in one of the areas they are incompetent/terrible mothers/slobs. The idea was that when women entered the workforce their husbands would take on half of the housekeeping and family duties but reality rarely plays out like that and even if it does, the woman is still the manager so to speak - more responsibility, in charge of delegating but no pay of course. I have been pondering this myself and here are some ideas as solutions: - choosing a career/job where there is overlap with the family/beauty area. For example, kindergarten teacher where your child could also attend, a chef where at work you could prepare some meals for home, a beautician where in between clients you could get your own treatments done etc. - working from home - working part time - having your own business/working as an independent contractor where you build your own schedule - hiring help (would require penny pinching in other areas) - extreme organization and systems put in place (I recommend the influencer Tracy Hensel for more inspiration), with outsourcing to your husband and kids when they are old enough These are just some ideas but I don’t have children myself so I can’t say any of this worked. I think in order to not drive yourself crazy, you need to focus on priorities - it’s ok if you brought your check home this month and your kids are healthy and happy, but the house is messy. You can still be attractive to your husband without a full face or make up on the daily etc. just make sure to set realistic goals in each areas and be satisfied with that because (in my opinion) women can’t have it all. I hope others have some good advice, but don’t worry so much in this exciting time when you are about to start a journey to become a mom! You have plenty of time to figure it out :)

[–]LanaTownsend 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There was a woman on YT who claimed Onlyfans was a practical option for women who had children & still wanted to or needed to work. Sounds facetious at face value but from a time standpoint, it sounds OK.

I’d be concerned about the potential fallout it could cause for her marriage or children.

[–]Electrical_Salt9917 21 points22 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Work part-time, if possible! Imo it’s the best of both worlds.

[–]Sea_Bookkeeper_15331 Star[S] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, I think so too but I think for me that would mean changing industry altogether, eek.

Are you working part time and also raising children?

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Are you not a bookkeeper like your username? Bookkeeping is a great option for freelancing or working from home.

[–]Sea_Bookkeeper_15331 Star[S] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Honestly I don't even remember why that's my username, pretty sure it was generated by Reddit. No, I am not a bookkeeper. 🤣

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Clearly it's time to become a bookkeeper!! 😂

[–]Sea_Bookkeeper_15331 Star[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

😂 Maybe Reddit was trying to tell me something. X

[–]mrsturtle813 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I see women with both lifestyles constantly "glorifying the busy " like one commenter posted above, a lot is personality.

[–]titlejunk 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do what you want but “having it all” is not an option. That’s a lie that feminism sold us.

There are 3 roles. If you are good at 2, you are neglecting the third. If you are amazing at one, you are likely neglecting the other two. The rolls are: Employee, Spouse, Parent.

In my first marriage, I was a great employee, an ok parent, and a terrible spouse. That marriage ended. Because why wouldn’t it?

Second marriage now. I’m an amazing spouse. I don’t work. And I’m still just an ok parent.

(I don’t think I ever would have excelled at parenting though. Whether nature or nurture is to blame, I’m just not the mothering type. My first just turned 18 and we get along amazingly well because I relate to her as a human adult rather than a child.)

My advice: Don’t try to fill all 3 roles. Don’t have kids until you can stay at home as much as financially feasible.

[–]RedditNamekh 25 points26 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It looks like a nightmare for me too. I think a lot of people choose this kind of life because its the thing to do ( society expectations)

Others options:

  • Hiring professionnals (housekeeper, nurse, baby sitter)

  • Part time job ( free time while children are with the nurse)

  • Involve your husband and grand parents if they live next to you

  • Choosing the simple/minimalist life ( small house with less object) = less things to care

  • have one child instead of two or be childfree

The only women I know who still look great have help (family or professionnal)

[–]Sea_Bookkeeper_15331 Star[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, there still seems to be an awful lot of juggling. 😢 I can do the minimalist life but I wonder if any kids I may have would agree, you know?

[–]Ani_Infijar 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have many friends that were raised “minimalist” who had great childhoods and have become happy, healthy, and secure men and women. Granted they all grew up in very outdoorsy families and did have nice things (like reliable camping gear), so ymmv when it comes to your own family.

On the other hand I had lots of things but grew up without parents around. I definitely would have traded all the stuff to have more quality time with both parents.

[–]Lucky-Barnacle-3950 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Get a richer husband

[–]deep_faked_beans 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It seems like you might be judging them without really knowing enough. What if they need the extra money? Also, it's not every woman's ideal life to be a sahm and that's fine, they might not value looking feminine like you do. I don't really see working as competing with a husband, I'm in training for the job I want to do and it's for myself, I wouldn't do all of this to try and look better than someone else and I don't think other women are doing that either. It doesn't seem plausible. It's good to have training or experience in something too, in case your husband dies/gets ill/becomes abusive etc.

[–]Ionotropic_effect 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It all depends on what your priorities are. Of course, if you’re grinding away working 40-60 hours a week, late into the evening, it will be difficult to maintain a home, care for children, earn a paycheck, all the while having the perfect skin and body, while being dressed to impress at all times. Personally, I make it work with a part time job, waking up early even on my off days to go to the gym, and making the most of my available time. I find enjoyment in organization and being one step ahead so the days I work, dinner is in the crockpot, my gym bag is packed and in my car, our child’s needs are taken care of. I do have family help and a housekeeper (and we don’t make a ton of money-we are middle class). I go to yoga, get my nails done, and I really enjoy cooking meals at home. My husband’s type is athletic girl next door-he prefers very minimal makeup, hair in a ponytail, and likes me in yoga pants on a day to day basis, so I don’t feel pressured every day to spend an hour on hair and makeup (esp when the baby will puke all over you before 8am!) We only have one child and won’t be having any more, knowing that we enjoy our current lifestyle. Having realistic expectations of yourself and letting go of the idea of “having it all ALL OF THE TIME” really helped my mindset.

[–]Luscious-Grass 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I work from home, and my husband is an amazing hands on dad. I think I look good, I feel good most of the time, and am very happy most days.

One strategy I employ is that I don’t do more than I need to. For example, we are on vacation right now for Christmas rejuvenating instead of at home where I would have been cooking and cleaning. I didn’t buy my daughter tons of gifts and do tons of wrapping and holiday running around. To me those things are not nice but not necessary (unlike quality family time) so I scrap them if i don’t have the energy.

We have domestic help which we can afford because I have a good job. So I don’t do any cleaning because I hate it.

I am in a completely different field from my husband so I do not feel that we are competing whatsoever. We are a team. When one of us has a victory it is a victory for the family.

[–]emmalai85 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have 6 kids - I take care of myself, and I'm not overweight, I'm pregnant with #7 - I work from home part time when required/needed, but it's not my priority. My family and my husband is my priority.

(I'm currently hiding in my room for a few minutes drinking coffee because we just got done opening all the christmas stuff, and the kids are all sugared up on suckers and tootsie rolls before breakfast, lol)

I'm autistic, I have limited amount of reserves socially - I've learned long before having children that if I want to be social, and productive, I have to limit myself, take a few minutes of down time here and there as needed, and I'm a happier, well balanced person because of it.

"Doing it all" and being super mom doesn't sound like a good thing to me - it sounds like a run-down way to move so fast through your life, suddenly your 60 and have no idea where your kids, or husband went and your youth is gone.

I want to move a ta slower poace. I want to enjoy the day to day stuff, I want to enjoy my sex life, I want to enjoy my husband, I want to enjoy watching milestones that our family/children achieve, and I want to be able to be present for all of it.

I know tons of mom's who wouldn't be happy being stay at home moms - and that's fine, but you can tell they find it energizing, not draining, they want to be there, they don't seem angry or resentful, their work is their happy place. And that's totally fine.

That's not me though. I wouldn't be happy in that situation, and I chose a man who wouldn't ask it of me. Who prioritized having an available person around for him, who'd do just about anything he asked, when he'd ask, and I'm invaluable, even though I'm not a spring chicken anymore.

If you want a family, you either make adjustments that allow you to be home and sacrifice luxuries, or you work and make sure you provide to the level you feel financially is best. In today's world, especially with inflation, you have to decide what's more important. (While it's nice when you make over 6 digits a year, it's realistically possible that it will take 2 people to make that happen, we do and do it on one income and don't live in a super expensive COL area, but just inflation from groceries alone in the last year made our budget for groceries go from 1200 a month to 1500-1800 a month.)

I won't tell you what the best path is - but wanting to be with our family, him wanting to retire early, we are taking a budget/pay cut in order to have both of us home fulltime, and let him retire early so we can both be actively present with our children.

The fact we have the option to do that, even if it's on a budget, is a godsend, but I can't imagine our children having the same luxury in 30 years with the way the economy is going, and that makes me incredibly sad, and wanting to be able to be there for my kids so they don't have to pay for daycare if they don't want too and other things that we can be there for to make their life easier when they are ready to have kids later in life.

If you don't have family willing to step in and help, daycare is super expensive in most places, maternity leave is often a joke in the US, and getting a good birth experience, is hit or miss - even if you don't have complications, you may still have a not-good birth experience.

If you breastfeed, and pump, your company may or may not follow the rules about offering you a sanitary pumping area, and may make your life hell if you want to pump at work, and the parts and effort/time isn't always cheaper than formula at that point. There are so many things to consider when it comes to being a working mom.... the horror stories about day cares were enough growing up that I never wanted to put my kids in daycare - I also had a few of those as a kid myself that I have clear memories of, so definitely not something I wanted my kids to repeat.

There are pros and cons to part time work, working full time, or being a stay at home mom, and in my opinion, covid drastically changes the risk factors a lot, especially once you have kids in daycare or school, and they are getting covid and bringing it home to each other.

It's hard to picture what the world is going to be like in 5 years, given what it's been like the last 2-3. But I would imagine all of those things have to be taken into consideration because it's not over quite yet.

I do not have professional help with my house, or lawn - last summer I probably mowed 20-30 hours a week, while breastfeeding a baby, and I'd stop every little bit to go inside and nurse her, I do have older children who'd play with her while I mowed, but they had the option of help mowing, or playing inside in the AC lol (we have 17 acres, so its a lot of grass)

If it would have just been "me" and a couple of small children, I would have hired help for the lawn. But I have adult age children and kids old enough to be paid to babysit, so I'd rather pay them then a stranger.

I also tried having a house keeper when I first got married because I found maintaining a house with a toddler by myself, really overwhelming, but I found myself cleaning the house before she came over, so the only thing she did was dishes and it was a waste of money.

So I learned "having house guests for coffee, keep me motivated to clean" LOL

I don't stress the small stuff with this many kids, either. there's plenty of times to have an immaculate house, but with 5 kids under 11, and 2 kids over 17, there's enough hands both directions to just accept a "if I don't want to cry when I walk out to the middle of the house, I let it go."

(I'm fairly OCD, I'm diagnosed with OCD, and I've learned, to "let most of it go" because my brain had too, for it's sanity to live with other people. it was the best therapy, living with children. haha)

[–]JadedByEntropy 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I can point to plenty of sahm that look terrible and are always late and busy at busybodying, without being productive. They think they do it all, but they do a 4th of what these working women do, and still can't keep their life together.

Its personality.

Its up to you to know what you can handle. You probably just can't handle it if thats the attitude you have towards them for doing what they have to do.

[–]Diamond-Breath 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's obvious that a career takes the majority of time of your day. The marriage, your beauty, the house and the kids will have to take the last spot since we can't do it all even though some people expect it. It always burns down in the end.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I moved to the rural from the suburbs to be with my husband, so I don't wear makeup anymore but I do try to look nice, wear skirts, dresses when we go out. My outfits are still fashionable even though I do chores like shovelling chicken poo in the coop, collecting lumber, help my husband with his building, etc. Especially when you have kids, you don't always have time to look all pretty. And most guys don't want their girl to be all glammed up all the time (mate-guarding), because they'd attract other guys.

1 Timothy 2:9"Likewise, I want the women to adorn themselves with respectable apparel, with modesty, and with self-control, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds,..."

I moved to the rural from the suburbs to be with my husband, so I don't wear makeup anymore but I do try to look nice, wear skirts, dresses when we go out. My outfits are still fashionable even though I shovel dirt in the chicken coop, collect lumber, etc. Especially when you have kids, you don't always have time to look all pretty. And most guys don't want their girl to be all glammed up all the time (mate-guarding), because they'd attract other guys.

And, I think traditional gender roles make both sides happy. You don't have to argue every time about chores, who does the budgeting, cooking, etc. but it's okay if you're stressed (especially with no other family nearby to help) and need your husband's help on baby stuff let's say.

[–]JustaTcup 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So many of us are just brainwashed into thinking this is how it's "just" supposed to be. Like there's no choice. I thought this would be my life too until one day I really started thinking.

And there is just NO way I'm going to live like this. If I have to live like that why even bother to have a man in my life?

I think too that media portrays that lifestyle as like superwomen and that's what you're supposed to strive for so you see so many who are trying to make themselves look as busy as possible as if it's some kind of commendable thing to be running ragged until you bleed. It's terrible.

I'm not doing it. I don't WANT to do it. And I will NEVER do it. I'm going to 100% SAH, raise my babies, take care of my husband and our house. I don't need to kill myself for the world to think I'm worthy of dying.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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