TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

Your Man is not your Best Friend

January 12, 2019
134 upvotes

One of the justifications that I see all. the. time. around here is “He’s my best friend”. A woman will describe a veritable nightmare of a man and when someone points it out, the inevitable response is: “He’s my best friend” with a handful of trite niceties thrown in.

So let’s talk about the idea of a partner versus a best friend. Your man should not be your best friend. He should never be your best friend. The boyfriend, fiancé, husband role is different from the best friend role. When there is overlap you risk failing to vet properly, you lack an external support network, and you accept behaviors that are not acceptable from a partner.

The Best Friend vs The Boyfriend

Ask yourself: What are the biggest things I’ve done for a best friend? How optional was it? How optional would it be for a partner?

Here are two of mine:

  • When my BFF had her twins, I visited for a weekend to give her some relief. When the weekend was over, I went back to my life. Her husband, doesn’t get the option to go back to his life. He was right there in the trenches with her the whole time. There was no break for him, no returning to work on Monday. And you know, her family thought I was just wonderful for the time I spent. What they didn’t see was her husband doing laundry at 3am so she could sleep and the house could still function. It was optional for me, it was parenthood for him.

  • We’re at an age now when grandparents are dying. When my BFFs grandfather died, I didn’t make the funeral because it was up in Queens and that made it entirely impractical. When my dear friend from HS’s grandmother died, I did make it to the funeral because it was in our hometown on a Saturday. I love them both equally but I had the option to attend these events and I did as much as I was able to do. But do you know how didn’t have an option – their husbands. Those men were there holding their wives and supporting them through it all.

 

You may take care of a friend when she is sick, drive her to the hospital or pick her up from the airport. I say may because it’s not your responsibility. If there is something more pressing in your life, you handle your other responsibilities first. But if your partner needs a ride to the hospital, you will leave work at the drop of a hat to take him and sit with him for the duration.

The role of a friend and a partner is simply different. You make vacation plans for next year’s trip with your best friend. You make plans for where you will move with your partner. You share all your life’s details with your best friend because that it how you bond. You share all your life’s details with your partner because what happens in your life directly impacts his. You discuss a job offer with a friend to get an opinion and help you decide. You discuss a job offer with a partner because it means reassessing your future together.

 

In my job, we tell married clients that they have to be rowing the boat together to reach their goals. To stretch that metaphor – your partner and you must row one boat together, your friends and you are in separate boats heading along a similar path.

This is a good thing because while you are rowing along, you don’t see the boat from the outside. Your friends are there to look out for you. She sees things that you might not see. She is there to give you support if you start to tip over. She’s there as a companion while the Captain is busy charting the course. And sometimes, she’s there to throw you a line when you can’t row anymore.

You cannot combine the roles. If you do, you become to insular in your relationship and can lack socialization. You lose an outside perspective. You need outside support when you and your partner go through hardships and cannot fully support each other. All this can be a problem in a marriage but it is a much bigger deal during the vetting stage.

And those are the women who most often default to this idea.

 

Because if you are vetting and you’ve become so attached that he is your best friend, a break up means losing both your boyfriend and the future you see with him and losing your best friend, your social outlet and your emotional support.

Further, we love our friends and it is easy to forget that what is acceptable behavior in a friend is not always acceptable behavior in a partner. You may not care that your best friend smokes because you don’t live with her and you don’t plan to have children with her. You can be concerned about your best friend’s drinking but her addition wouldn’t derail your future. You can even quietly think your best friend is terrible for cheating on her man while still loving and supporting her because it’s not you she is betraying. Any of these behaviors in a partner is a massive red flag that needs to be examined.

 

Don’t use “he’s my best friend” to justify allowing bad behavior from a partner. Fear of losing two roles at once makes us hold more tightly to men we should not. Don’t look to your partner to fill a role that rightly belongs to a woman who is dear to you. One person should not be responsible for fulfilling both roles. You will lose out if you fill them with one person. In short: if your boyfriend is your best friend, then it’s time to find a new best friend.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/RedPillWomen.

/r/RedPillWomen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Title Your Man is not your Best Friend
Author girlwithabike
Upvotes 134
Comments 50
Date January 12, 2019 11:31 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/your-man-is-not-your-best-friend.167317
https://theredarchive.com/post/167317
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/afd58p/your_man_is_not_your_best_friend/
Red Pill terms in post
Comments

[–]Atex333038 points39 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Honestly I'm a bit confused. You say you shouldn't combine because then you accept bad behavior from him. Why would accept bad behavior from a partner or a friend. To be fair I'd say my sister is my BFF but my husband is also a best friend of mine. Also you examples are confusing. I don't acre for my sister's child with her all the time because he has a dad and dad wants to parent too. If I were single and something happened to her husband that would probably be different. The second doesn't make sense to me. You didn't go because of distance. When my grandma dies my cousin came to the funeral but her husband didn't because of distance. When my other grandma died my aunts friend and his husband drove 300 miles to go to the funeral. So yes where parents and partners tend to be related sure, I'm not really seeing how partner and best friends are exclusive.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My point was more than all the actions I took towards my friends were ultimately optional for me. There are fewer responsibilities that you have as a friend than you do as a partner. Further your friends aren't committed to you for life the way your partner is.

In your situation, it may be confusing because your sister is your best friend and there is a closer tie there than a non-related friend. Most people feel more responsibility to family than they do to friends and your family is almost guaranteed to be with you for as long as your spouse.

Bad behavior is only one aspect of the problem. So I'm not repeating myself a whole bunch here is a response I gave somewhere else on this page. I think that what husbands and wives need and get from each other is much bigger than friendship and you have to be careful not to aim for an egalitarian 'friendship' role from your spouse when he should be both more and different from that.

[–]Atex33304 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You say my it may be confusing because my sister is my best friend. It's not, she has two roles. Sister and best friend. Just like a partner can be a best friend and your partner. Mostly being a partner expands on the best friend role if he is your best friend. Like best friend +. What I am still not getting is why being a partner is mutually exclusive than being a best friend Of course action towards friends are different. There are different level of friends, from causal acquaintance the your BFF forever kind of friendship, which honestly not everyone has. I will be straight forward, you mention your husband should be the one closet to you. My situation is a bit different in that I did not mention that my sister is also my identical twin. I do realize that that is a unique situation in that well science says identical twins who get along tend the have the closest relationship you can have, more so than spouses. You mention egalitarianism. Friendships dont' have to be egalitarian. Alot of friendships have a dominant partner. In fact, dominance and the wanting to be in charge and make the decisions are a personality traits. If your husband scores high on that I can guarantee that he is the dominate friend with his male friends. People like that do not like others with that trait as they butt heads. Heck twin relationships tend to have a dominate twin. I guess what confuses me more is that I say my husband is my best friend. OF course he's more than that. But that doesn't' change the fact that he is my best friend and my partner.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with you. This entire discussion seems like an argument of semantics to me. My husband is my best friend, because my definition of best friend expands enough to include my husband. I agree with OP's assessment that a best friend can't replace a husband, but not that a husband can't be a best friend. It's just word choice.

[–]AgathaMysterie52 points53 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Mm. Interesting post, but I don’t totally agree. My husband is my best friend. I’ve always felt strongly that that is the case. Our personalities just... mesh, resulting in a strong sense of companionship.

I know many happily married couples who do not call each other best friends. But I honestly don’t know if I ever could have married someone who I didn’t feel BFF vibes with! It was something I sought out.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree. I've had a best friend, a hold each other while her infant died best friend... and my husband means more to me. I want to tell him every joke and irritating work story and every piece of exciting news first. He's the only person I can be around when I'm over stimulated or sick. I nearly cut my thumb off at work this week and he was the only person I wanted to see... and he was there in minutes. I'm not sorry for calling him my best friend and I know he'd say the same for me.

[–]drigsbythekitty2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed with AgathaMysterie. In your post you seem to reason that your spouse should not be a best friend because a best friend is essentially a downgraded and slightly more flaky version of your partner.

Not sure why someone you get along with as a best friend needs to be someone vulnerable to flakiness (best friends don’t need to do this but husbands do). I think you can happily have partner that is a best friend.

[–]Mallorcavon14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think this is more so just your opinion of what you think is to be correct. Your husband can be you best friend and honestly should since you choose to forever live with him. You can have more than one best friend and you husband be one of them

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There are a lot of facets to this. You husband should be the person you are closest to in the world. That's more than a friend and has different requirements from friendship. Marriage combines two life paths into one and the Captain / First Mate dynamic is an agreement to follow his lead. These are things that you don't agree to with a friend.

The sex component, not discussed in this post, is another huge difference between friend and husband. Gender differences also play a role. Passion can die when you don't have your own hobbies and outlets and lean too heavily on each other. Friends first rather than lovers can lead to dead bedrooms because friends are comfortable and lovers are exciting. It doesn't always happen but it's a step in that direction.

Men and women communicate differently and sometimes what you need from a friend is not what your man is able to comfortably and consistently give you. Overtime, asking him to fill a role outside of his bailiwick is going to harm the foundations of your relationship. His needs are different too, a man looks for a woman who will build him up and support him. Sometimes you need a friend to be brutally honest but brutal honest from a partner could just be painful. You could think you are telling him what he needs to hear but really you are tearing him down instead of building him up, which is one of the responsibilities of a good RPW wife.

"Husband" is a bigger role and a bigger title than "friend". It encompasses more things. If you try to fit a husband into a friend role, you risk losing parts of what it means to be a husband.

[–]loz3331 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm a guy and the 'best friend' first mentaity that I thought was the 'right' way to go about it spoilt many potential relationships which had real chemistry in the beginning. For me it's been the school of hard knocks to get what you're talking about here.

[–]SpookyQueenofCats27 points28 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I disagree as a happily married women for 10 years. We are best friends but because we are married there is just an extra layer of respect, responsibility, trust and duty.

This post does make sense for people who have a habit of picky shitty men who easily get it twisted. You can have both but you have to understand the lines of those four points above.

To be honest having a "best friend" in itself is an isolating and insular act. As an adult we should have friends and close friends, but best friends seams childish and puts a lot of expectations on one person. Or perhaps I don't throw the phrase around easily. I have many friends of varying degrees of closeness and openness for which I can talk out and confide in with different problems. But my one true best friend that I know will always have my back is my husband, my true best friend.

Granted because he's a man and my husband, I know I can tell him anything but to make sure I'm creating a good relationship environment there are things I don't go to him with immediately. That is due to the duty as a wife to make sure he's happy, positive to be the best man he can be to steer our little family ship to greatness.

Interesting post non the less.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks!

I think that we don't disagree as much as it may seem at first glance. I'm not against a close "friendship" with your husband (especially your husband who should be the person in the world you are closest to IMO).

The fact of the matter is, you tack on a lot of extra components to your relationship (as you describe above) that go over and above 'friend' and you use other people as an outlet for the needs that he can't or shouldn't fulfill. Based on the description, I wouldn't call him your friend because that's a lower role than your husband/partner but that's a debate of semantics that hardly seems worth having.

You are right that the problem is with dating shitty men. I also think this can be a blue pilled narrative to 'marry your best friend' which can lead over time to a more egalitarian view of the relationship that doesn't take into account the different needs of men and women. If you see a man primarily as your best friend, your expectations for the relationship are going to be different. This is why I think it's worth making a distinction in terms and being clear on the purposes/roles that each (friend or husband) fill.

None of it is to say that a husband shouldn't be a confidant, companion and sounding board.

[–]RainbowKitty7712 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I disagree with this. My ex and I were really close friends before we got together. We continued to say we were best friends while being together. Yes it sucked losing my best friend too. I also have a female best friend that I didnt lose tho. I would never date a guy again that I wouldnt consider my best friend tho.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My ex was my best friend when we were together, we even stayed friends long after the break up. My husband is much much more than a best friend. Losing the man who is your BF/BFF to a break up is only one of the risks of having him fill multiple roles. You shouldn't feel the same way about the man you marry as you do about the women you are close to...why consider him under the same banner and her/them?

[–]RainbowKitty772 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I dont think of it as considering them the same.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Then why call them the same? There will be overlap in what your best friend gives you and what your BF gives you. They aren't equivalent though. I think it's good to know what you look for in both. What is it about a "best friend" that you need out of a partner. If nothing else, dissecting the terms will give you a stronger idea of what qualities you are vetting for.

[–]RainbowKitty772 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I guess I just had enough of the relationships where we had nothing to talk about because we had nothing in common besides we were attracted to each other. Or I cared about/disliked the guy I was dating. To me a partner should be a best friend plus more. Not simply a best friend but why wouldnt I want to genuinely like and be close to the person I'm in a relationship with?

[–]bkate2727 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My husband is my best friend in the sense that he is my closest companion and confidant but he is also so much more than a best friend. That is the reality of the intimacy of marriage. I don't see how you can separate friendship with the person you are most intimate with. No I don't share every detail of the female experience with him - I do think it's important to have female friends and family to be able to do that with - but on the whole he is the person I trust and want to be with most.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband is my best friend in the sense that he is my closest companion and confidant but he is also so much more than a best friend.

I agree with this. My point is not to say that you should be closer to your friends than your husband. Rather your husband should be so much more than a friend. The titles aren't equal in importance and the title 'husband' carries so much more within in that to give him the best friend title lessens what it means to be a husband.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Love this. This is also discussed in the book ‘Mating in captivity’. Desire fades if no mystery remains and depending on one person to fulfill all your emotional needs will lead to a decline in sexual attraction over time.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I didn't read that book (my friend did and gave me a bit of a synopsis) and yes, that's a whole other component of putting your guy into the friend role. I thought about adding the sex aspect into the post but I already talk too much :-P

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is its own topic for sure. Apparently a lot of marriages that end up being sexless over time (and consequently breaking) are due to this practice of making your partner fill multiple roles in your life. I’ve personally seen several times that couples who are always together end up losing sexual attraction for each other. It is so important to have full separate lives of your own including sources of emotional support

[–]Hammocknapping10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Do most women only have one best friend? I’ve always used that term to describe multiple people at once (and I know my best friends have multiple best friends, etc.), but maybe that’s a regional thing or something.

[–]imanewwoman2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I also have several best friends and always have. Some of them consider me their only best friend, and some have other best friends as well. Its a personal thing, I think. But I have seen that most people can find one or two tops. I guess we're lucky in that aspect.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think it depends on the person. I'm someone with a small number of very close friends but when I say my best friend, it's usually one in particular that springs to mind.

[–]Hammocknapping3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Because if you are vetting and you’ve become so attached that he is your best friend, a break up means losing both your boyfriend and the future you see with him and losing your best friend, your social outlet and your emotional support.

I think that may be why I struggle to identify with this quote. I have 6-7 people I would consider best friends, and they span several friend groups. I’d probably lose some friends if my husband and I divorced, but I don’t think any of my best friends.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

In that quote I meant more than if your SO and your BFF are the same person, then you lose that all in one break up. Break ups are hard enough without losing your main support person as well. Having several friends who you are close with mitigates this but if you are someone who leans on your partner as your main (or only) support person and you have no one else to go to -- that's a double loss.

[–]Hammocknapping0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There’s no perfect friend, which is why it’s important to have a friend group where each person has different interests and personality traits.

I’ve had friends move away or become so busy we barely see each other over the years, but I’ve been able to adapt and remain friends because I’m not wholly dependent on one person for friendship. This why I’ve always had multiple “best friends.”

I think what you’re trying to convey is that women shouldn’t put all their eggs in one basket and be conscious of the increased risk of codependency if they do not have a support system outside of their SO.

[–]ImTheCaptainNow244 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel a little bit like this is splitting hairs. My husband is my best friend, hands-down. When I say that, what I mean is that there is no one I'd rather watch a movie with on a lazy Saturday night, no one I'd rather go out to dinner with, no one I'd rather go on vacation with, no one I'd rather hang out with on a nice afternoon, no I'd rather talk to about something I'm really happy or really sad about.

What I'm not saying is that he's my only friend, the only person I like hanging out with, the only person I like talking to. He's just the best.

I feel like a spouse is all the things a best friend is and more, which is what you pointed out in your post. Yes, we should have higher expectations for a spouse than a best friend, but that doesn't mean your spouse shouldn't also fulfill the qualities of awesome friendship.

[–]Theendisnearornot7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’ve been meaning to ask about this. And this popped up and so perfect timing!!

I do consider my husband a friend IN THAT we confide in each other and ask for advice on life choices (or even just little things like, say a situation at work or family) and discuss our emotions in depth. However, we have grown apart to a point where we don’t anymore . He says maybe that wasn’t a healthy situation because it would almost feel like there wasn’t privacy or personal space.

But I feel like I am mourning the loss of a friend. I can’t figure out which way is up or down. I am branching out and having more friendships with other women (I have a very hard time making friends and I’ve been burned a few times so I am really gunshy).

So I guess my question what is the balance between expecting him to share his emotions, life experiences, etc with me (and vice versa)? I am trying to give him space and not be pushy when he says he doesn’t want to take about something or it’s private.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have a very hard time making friends and I’ve been burned a few times so I am really gunshy

I think that most people find this difficult as adults. For a long time the majority of my closest friends were men and women I had known since high school. We also see regular posts on here asking "how do I meet red pilled friends" which to me is simply "how do I meet women I will connect with" ... so don't feel too bad because we all go through this. I wish I had an answer for how to overcome it but I think it's just one of the things that is kinda crappy about growing up.

So I guess my question what is the balance between expecting him to share his emotions, life experiences, etc with me (and vice versa)

I tell my husband everything that goes through my head and I'm pretty sure he hears maybe a third of it and the rest is just him listening to the cadence of my voice. I forget what my 'love language' is but I've always needed to talk in order to feel connected to someone so I appreciate that he listens and it took a while to get used to the fact that he's content to sit next to each other in silence.

It sounds like you guys are working on finding a balance between what works for you and what works for him. Perhaps you skewed too far towards what works for you for a long time. So right now you have to figure out how much space you can live with. Things that worked for me:

  1. Learning to recognize his way of communicating. With my husband, he'll spend hours in his garage building me something. Whereas I'd rather go out together and have lunch (for example) I also know that he's putting in all this energy because he loves me. He's not using words but he's using time and effort and I can wrap my head around that enough to be content.

  2. Friends Friends Friends. I actually only have a small number of very close friends and I often rotate who I am talking to at any one time so I don't drive them all nutty. I still tell my husband everything but it can be more like reporting in than the need for a deep conversation to dissect an issue. My need to talk something out gets filled by my friends and my need to connect with him can be handled in fewer words.

  3. Allowing him the space to think first. I do still ask him how is day went or if something is on his mind but I try not to push. If I'm not asking all the time, he'll typically tell me but I think he needs to feel like he has the space where it is his choice.

  4. Reddit. Seriously though, both public and private conversations on Reddit help me to engage with people while simultaneously enjoying the silence with my husband. He's here next to me and I love that and he doesn't have to listen to me babble and ask him what he's thinking (though full disclosure, I did ask him what he was thinking while he was staring at the ceiling at one point this morning -- it was the geometry of some thing he was designing at work).

Give it a little bit of time. I think that with space your guy will come back around to being a bit more open with you, especially since you had that dynamic before.

[–]Theendisnearornot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks :). This was so incredibly helpful. I’m saving it and rereading.

[–]organicsunshine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree 100%. I read a blog post that addressed this harshly and a Ted talk from Ester Perel that says you man has a role and friends are for support and the danger of expecting too much from your man to fulfill all needs.

[–]Bluetinfoilhat2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I sort of agree, but for different reasons. To me a friend --best or otherwise is a strictly asexual relationship. I don't like when people refer to love interest as friends. The love you have for your parents, sibling, friends, and romantic partner are all important but different. I don't see the point in using a word to describe more than one thing.

[–]bunniebell1 Star1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes! DH should be a type of best friend, but you should absolutely have another one. One person can’t and should not fill absolutely every role in your life and I believe it’s cruel to demand it.

[–]aussiedollface21 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with this post so much! It seems to be a modern trend to consider/tell people that your husband is your best friend xo

[–]OhIMeMine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this is kind of silly because it really just depends on what your definition of a best friend is.

I don't have the same relationship with my boyfriend as I do with my best girlfriend, but I still think of him as being my best buddy. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

There are lots of older couples who have had successful marriages last 50+ years, and they often would refer to each other as their best friend.

This just boils down to arguing over semantics.

[–]AmarosaLeela1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband is the best friend I have ever had. I will never have someone like him as a friend. Simultaneously, he is the best partner and Captain I have ever had, and I am convinced I will never find another one like him.

I also have a girl best friend.

Life is good.

💖

[–]Mallorcavon1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You wouldn’t need the outside perspective if you have an internal compass of how you deserve to be treated. The outside best friend would just be optional if you felt like you needed more friends to do life with

[–]thatbadlarry1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow. Solid gold. Thank you

[–]eatavacado0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I appreciate this post so much. I’ve been one to succumb to this reasoning, and it held me in a very confusing and unhealthy place. I’m glad I finally have all the conceptual logic as to why it sucked to feel that way laid out in-front of me, and I’m DEFINITELY not falling for it again. Thank you so much!!

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are welcome. It's something I lived to some degree with my ex but couldn't really articulate until RP gave me a clearer view of the differences between men and women. :-)

[–]SwimmingInterest0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Totally agree with this, however i found myself in the below situation. Moved from overseas to Australia, knowing no one. Managed to make a few friends at uni, who ended up fading away. Through them I met my boyfriend of now 4.5yrs. I find myself hanging out with him more and more, and making his friends my friends. I know, dangerous territory to solely rely on him and his friends to have fun. But it’s been a challenge over the last few months to make my own friends (through work) and make his realise this. Book that has helped me in this: how to make friends and influence people.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm with you! It can be so easy to fall into a ready made group of people. I think it's not bad (though a risk) to be friends with his friends, but you are totally right to push yourself into finding people outside of that circle as well. Good luck with that. Meeting friends as an adult is so incredibly difficult (which is why I think this happens with romantic partners).

[–]leftandleaving_0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I actually really needed to read this right now. thank you.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are welcome. :-)

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband is not my best friend... but he is my favorite person. As this post beautifully articulates, that’s an important distinction.

On RPW, we often idolize how marriage was in the “good old days.” But how often did we see our grandmothers bro-ing down with our grandfathers smoking cigars and playing cards and grandpa joining in on grandma’s knitting circle?

The thing that our elders understood that we lost in our modern conception of marriage is that a spouse is not supposed to be our primary social outlet and fulfill our every conceivable emotional need.

[–]ManguZa1 Star-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think the most important issue with having a "best friend" husband is that he's your best friend before being your lover... and that's really bad for a couple.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, it's not that you shouldn't have the components of a friendship with your spouse. It should be more than a friendship and different aspects of the relationship with a partner come first. I said in another comment that sex is a piece of this that I didn't even tackle in this post (probably warrants it's own) but it's a huge part of what makes a husband a husband and not a best friend.

It doesn't make sense to me to spend all the time we do becoming more feminine women and seeking out masculine men and then to say: My husband fills this egalitarian role of best friend primarily, and then he's my husband second.

[–]loneliness-inc-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This post reminds me of the very first post I wrote here

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter