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A simple yet effective method to becoming more charismatic and likable

March 2, 2021
71 upvotes

While it's true that technical skills are important to learn, it is your soft skills that will propel you in your career and personal life. Of course, it is important to know how to perform basic arithmetic, it is important to understand proper spelling and grammar. You can't be a fucking dumbass. However, take a look at the most successful CEO's, the leaders of the highest value social circles and those who simply "win" at life and you'll find that they are rarely ever the smartest people in their respective groups. It isn't their intelligence, their ability to code or any other technical skill that got them there. It's their soft skills, their charisma, their personalities, their communication skills and simply put: their ability to interact with other people.

Everyone has their own unique personalities. Some are more extroverted, some are more witty, some are simply naturals at articulating and communicating. However, this one very effective trick I am going to share with you can be practiced, applied and mastered by anyone. Here it is:

First become interested, then you will become interesting

Those of you who have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie may be familiar with this concept. There is a reason it's one of the most powerful concepts in one of the most influential books that exist.

Take a guess at what is the most commonly spoken word in conversation. It's "I." People's favorite topic and subject is themselves. Your toothache is more important to you than a plague that kills millions in a different country. People by nature are selfish. That isn't to say that everyone is selfish and compassion doesn't exist. But at the end of the day, people's favorite subject and favorite person will always be themselves.

When you interact with people, give them your undivided attention, express genuine interest in their lives and ask great questions. Ask open ended questions (questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no). Get people to elaborate on their thoughts by mirroring them. Someone tells you they had a hard day, simply ask back "A hard day?" and they will begin opening up. Someone tells you they absolutely love a certain thing, ask them what it is they love about it.

It is imperative that when you are asking these questions and conversing with people that you actually fucking listen. I cannot stress this enough. You don't become likable and interesting by dominating a conversation, blurting out disconnected thoughts after thoughts trying to impress people. This will make you seem like a socially unaware prick. You become likable and interesting by listening. There is a major difference between listening and simply waiting for your turn to respond. You have two ears and one mouth, use them proportionally. The majority of people nowadays simply do not know how to have a conversation and it's because they don't know how to listen.

This doesn't just work in one on one interactions, it is equally powerful in group interactions. If you can make someone feel like the only person in a room full of other people you will leave an incredible lasting impression on them. You do this by becoming interested in the other person and once again, actually listening. You can walk away from an interaction not saying a damn thing about yourself yet leaving the other person believing you are the most interesting, awesome, most charismatic person they've ever met.

Although I have stressed the importance of listening, you can't be a silent robot. That's just being weird and anti-social. The reason you must listen closely is so you can respond in a way that reflects your interest. This can be in the form of comments or a follow up question that progresses the conversation to a deeper level, really driving home the point to the other person that you really care about them and you're genuinely interested.

Closing Thoughts

This simple yet effective technique reflects and requires a great deal of emotional intelligence. It is used by all of the most charismatic and personable people in the world. It comes with practice. There are times when it's appropriate to share a quick story that reinforces your audience's thoughts. Sometimes a quick comment can help direct the conversation in your desired direction. There is far more to charisma than simply listening and showing interest (Using people's names, eye contact, smiling, reading and using non-verbal cues, etc). However, this is a very easy first step to mastering your social skills and becoming a more likable and personable person.

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Post Information
Title A simple yet effective method to becoming more charismatic and likable
Author KingGerbz
Upvotes 71
Comments 17
Date March 2, 2021 7:17 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/TheRedPill
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/a-simple-yet-effective-method-to-becoming-more.786595
https://theredarchive.com/post/786595
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/lvwcu0/a_simple_yet_effective_method_to_becoming_more/
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Comments

[–]Schhwing 48 points49 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’ve boiled it down even further:

Generate love and warmth.

Make people laugh, smile, have the warm fuzzies. That’s how you become popular and liked. It also makes you feel good.

I used to be anxious in some social situations and thought I had intermittent social anxiety. But it was because I wasn’t coming in with warmth and love. If you’re cold and frigid, you shake.

[–]Just_Stark 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup, it all starts with how you internaly feel. Which is why being in a good place mentally is absolutely necessary before you can truly be charismatic and likeable.

Most people feel miserable all the time. They always have "that" anxiety in the back of their mind, or issues to solves or whatever. When you become a breath of fresh air to them and can take them outside of their own head for a little while, through the way you talk, the experiences you share, the emotions you're able to convey, they'll enjoy the time they spend with you.

[–]shittyfuckdick 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Can you expand on this? How do you generate love and warmth?

[–]Schhwing 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Connect, compliment, listen, affirm, eye contact, smile, touch, generate warm feeling and love for the other person.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]KingGerbz[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Social interactions are so damn complex with a million different variables, to follow one dogmatic rule all the time is a sure fire way to crash and burn.

Notice the examples of questions I gave were not unprompted, they were responses to what was already said. I’m not saying to interview people intrusively. Listen and expand on the conversational ammunition they give you.

I could go on and on about the nuances of this technique, exceptions, conditions, etc.

If I were to boil it down to a simple and effective rule to follow it would be a sentence I said in my post:

Listen instead of simply waiting for your turn to respond.

[–]Gorillaz_Inc 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You seem like the kind of person who's not very good at winning friends and influencing people.

[–]Warped_Mindless 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There is an element of truth in what you say which is why it’s just as important on HOW you get people to open up and share things about themselves.

It goes beyond “being interested” and is also about making a person feel validated and important.

[–]DareyFathom 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

However, take a look at the most successful CEO's, the leaders of the highest value social circles and those who simply "win" at life and you'll find that they are rarely ever the smartest people in their respective groups.

Grossly underestimating the raw intelligence top executives have. Almost all your commonly identified American executives (Gates, Jobs, Musk, Bezos, Zuckerberg, Buffet, etc.) have high, if not genius level IQs. Many are characterized as limited social skills. Anecdotally plenty of fields attract high IQs that require almost no social skills to master the hard skills; surgeons, data scientists, economics, IT, engineering, etc. Sure develop your charisma, but you need elite hard skills to excel in most industries.

[–]KingGerbz[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You make a good point, however I’d argue Gates and Zuck are the only ones who I’d characterize as having limited social skills. They also happened to create literal world changing technologies that shifted industries forever. Sure you can skip the charisma requirement if you come up with once in a century groundbreaking world changing ideas. How applicable and practical is that advice, though?

I digress. The good news is technical and soft skills aren’t mutually exclusive. You don’t have to sacrifice one for the other. Reason being- soft and social skills can be developed in natural settings simply by being aware and intentional. You don’t have to spend time choosing between one or the other.

You’ll interact with people no matter what. You can choose to simply exist and go through the motions in these interactions or you can be cognizant of how you’re responding and make an active effort to improve your sociability.

[–]Mr_KenSpeckle 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

According to Stanford MBA professor Jeffrey Pfeffer in his book “Power: Why Some People Have It and How to Get It”, intelligence is correlated to success only up to a point and at higher IQ levels is actually NEGATIVELY correlated to success. According to Pfeffer, one of the most important factors in success is making key relationships work and overly intelligent people are often piss poor at this. I don’t have the footnote handy but it is a heavily footnoted book, if anyone cares to investigate further.

[–]DareyFathom 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sure charisma and conscientiousness surely make significant differences. However, for a single trait, IQ is the best predictor. And humans are inherently uncomfortable with acknowledging IQ disparities, which is the fundamental problem with many societal inequalities. https://www.businessinsider.com.au/why-your-iq-strongly-influences-your-success-at-work-2017-10

[–]Gorillaz_Inc 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men that work in tech related fields seem to be the exception. I think much of it has to do with the type of culture that you find in tech related fields where social skills and looking presentable is downplayed while simply having strong technical knowledge is more vital.

[–]kalashnick 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good post. I read the book and you know I can't begin to count the time I've spent listening to people over the years who saw I actually showed interest in them. Once you prick open that water balloon, it becomes a deluge. People just won't stop talking. I still haven't found a good way to cut the conversation short without coming across as rude.

Empathy must be a rare thing today. Makes you wonder how suppressed every one is because of how little people are talking to one another.

[–]SadKnight123 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This. I was needing something very simple and basic to start to follow to improve my social skills that, to be completely honest, are terrible. Focus on creating the habit to really listen and paying attention to what other people are talking is probable a good start.

This is something that I often neglected being always lost on my own thoughts while interacting with others and being anxious to what shoud I say or do when my time to speak comes.

Making a effort to maintain eye contact while others are speaking with you is another thing I'm trying to focus on until I finally beat this eye contact phobia.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

First become interested, then you will become interesting

Beware of becoming a "good listener". People who listen to other people rather than leading with their own lives are not respected. People love talking to them in the same way people love receiving money, but it does not convey social status on the listener.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Exactly. How To Win Friends... makes the same argument: be a good listener. It's bullshit advice. I used to be a fantastic listener and people LOVED it. But they didn't respect me in the slightest.

You should absolutely listen to people, but YOU COME FIRST. You should lead, you should talk first, and other should listen. Self first, but not to the complete exclusion of others.

You do not get respect by nodding and smiling and saying "tell me more".

You become likable and interesting by listening

Likable does not get you respect and it does not get you laid.

Who gets laid more... the rude loudmouth everyone says they hate, or the guy who acts like a verbal tampon for people who spew out whatever crap is in their head?

People love to be heard, but most people don't have much to say and rarely an original thought. You want to be the guy others want to listen to, not the listener.

"I'm a good listener" is often an excuse to not lead. The same people who say "how are you doing" and pretend they are genuinely interested but really they just want the other person to lead the conversation because they dare not do it themselves.

There is far more to charisma than simply listening and showing interest.....However, this is a very easy first step to mastering your social skills and becoming a more likable and personable person.

I agree with this..... listening and being interested is a first step, but there is a lot more to charisma than this.

Using people's names, eye contact, smiling, reading and using non-verbal cues, etc

Charisma has two main parts: being perceived as powerful / attractive / having control over the world. This is the hard one to get. The easy one is to convey "I like you". This is the listening part, and it's the part that every beta thinks is the most important and the only thing. In reality the powerful/attractive part is 90% and listening-and-interested-and-I-like-you is 10%. Chad who ignores everyone gets laid. Fat Billy Beta who listens and smiles and nods does not get laid. That should tell you which is most important.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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