After the death of my child and girlfriend, improvement is all I've got left.

January 11, 2017

I've written and erased this submission more times than I can count. These words aren't easy to get out, but maybe I can help someone here who feels hopeless.

Four years ago, before I found the Manosphere and TRP, I starting dating a girl I had pedestalized into someone far beyond what a drug abusing, alcoholic, cheating girl could ever be. For two years she slowly got better, she started to become the perfect person I thought she was. Then she got pregnant. We fought so much about what to do about it, but I pushed her into an abortion as we were both young and the time wasn't right. She wasn't ready for that decision.

Turns out, like anyone with a serious chemical dependency will do after trauma, she relapsed. She killed herself and I found her cold body on the floor. Prescription pills can destroy your mind and body when you take everything you can find at once. As much as I'd like to remember her smiling and laughing, I dream of her cold hands and twisted face.

I took two lives that year, and I planned on a third: my own. I got so far as to get drunk and stick a gun against the roof of my mouth. I cried like a little girl, it was the lowest I've ever felt. And yet.. I didn't because I couldn't hurt anyone else. I didn't want them to go through what I did when she died. She wasn't perfect, and she hit almost every red flag in the archive. But she was mine, and I loved her as much as any blue pill guy would.

I found TRP and without gaming women (I'm still not ready for that, BP or not I don't care) I started improving my life. If I was going to be an empty shell of a man, I'd at least have fun doing it. I picked up hobbies like woodworking and automotive maintenance. I doubled down on past hobbies I'd neglected, like snowboarding and going out with my buddies. The nightmares don't end, but the days started to become bearable.

I wrote this because I'm seeing a trend of depressed guys asking what to do next, or if life is really worth it. I can't answer that, but I do know that if I can hold the guilt inside and still be a pretty okay dude, so can you. Don't end your life over whatever petty reasons you see. Find help. See a counselor, try medication, (at least until you've worked out your problems) and start seeing some buddies. Make friends, find hobbies, and start to really enjoy your life. Lift hard and see what you look like with abs. Go back to school for something you've always wanted to try. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Do anything. Just start to do, something.

We talk about gaming women a lot, but by being on this sub, you have an advantage that most don't. You have an opportunity to find a mission in life and really live your fucking life.

Don't waste that chance on suicide. When you've hit rock bottom, you can't sink any lower.

Edit: I had originally written this to help others and show that we all have different struggles: don't fucking kill yourself over something dumb.

But the community outreach has been great and things like this make me grateful to have found TRP. Thanks guys.

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Post Information
Title After the death of my child and girlfriend, improvement is all I've got left.
Author FerociousOreos
Upvotes 1273
Comments 116
Date January 11, 2017 7:20 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/TheRedPill
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–]redpillschool[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (21 children) | Copy Link

If you're depressed, Vitamin D + k2 and fucking exercise. You'd be surprised what a difference it makes in your attitude.

[–]Randomshortdude points points [recovered] | Copy Link

That's deep. I'm proud of you for overcoming. Keep pushing and making strides forward man.

And always remember no one has a crystal ball. I was a little more fortunate than you in the fact that my ex survived her suicide attempt, but it's not something that's in your control. Some people are dealing with demons in this world that we don't have the power to fight for them.

Keep pressing on man.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 68 points69 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. I'm sorry you had to go through that, it isn't easy.

I know now that she wasn't even close to perfect, and rational thought tells me she was a mess before me, I probably couldn't have helped. I'm still struggling to get past the mental blockade of oneitis. It's difficult when you know you'll never see them again.

Some days are harder than others, but I keep going. It's my only choice.

[–]danO1O1O119 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The power of one man. You are a survival machine!

[–]chiefbl2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you're taking two steps forward and one step back, you're still moving forward.

It's the moment you think you have lost everything, is when in fact you have everything

Keep at it

[–]jackandjill222 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Powerful thanks for sharing OP. RP at its best. Take care.

[–]2comment56 points57 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The worst pains I see people go through life is when they internalize the faults of an addict family member, someone whom they had no absolute control over to begin with.

Maybe you'll be able to distance yourself or at least forgive yourself over this, one day, even though you'll likely carry it with you forever.

[–]drty_pr2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I remember the pain of internalizing it. Realizing there is absolutely nothing you can do for a person who doesn't want help is tough. What's also tough is watching others who fail to accept the truth.

He will carry it forever. Sounds like he is well on the way to forgiving himself though. Keep your head up OP

[–]indivisibleremainder55 points56 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

The desire to kill oneself is the reflection of the psychological need to discard an aspect of yourself that is holding you back. Whether your demons are addiction, false ideologies, or whatever, they are a part of your psyche and in order to transcend them you must kill them. This means a part of you must die so that something new can be born. When a person is unwilling to change, their life becomes ruled by their demons, and they live in a veritable hell on earth. Those who are unable to psycho-spiritually kill themselves and be reborn, their final act is to literally kill themselves.

In your moment of hitting rock bottom, you did "kill yourself" in that psycho-spiritual sense. This freed you up to begin the path of rebirth and self improvement. The path of self improvement, aka Life, is a continuous series of deaths and rebirths.

Although you have already made great strides, I highly recommend the work of Professor Jordan Peterson. I was in quite the rut when I discovered his stuff, and I ended up watching tons of his lectures in the span of a few weeks. It helped a lot.

Slaying the Dragon Within Us

The Necessity of Virtue

If you find that stuff interesting, just check out his youtube channel for more, he has uploaded entire semesters worth of classes on these topics:

Personality and its Transformations

Maps of Meaning (PDF)

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The desire to kill oneself is the reflection of the psychological need to discard an aspect of yourself that is holding you back. Whether your demons are addiction, false ideologies, or whatever, they are a part of your psyche and in order to transcend them you must kill them.

This resonates so well. For years I focussed on battling anxiety/depression but realise I was fighting the wrong thing.

With some introspection and RP I've realised the basic mantra 'become a better man' and everything that entails is the solution to those issues. They are the foundation of anxiety/depression. So the only way to kill them is to be honest about the underlying causes (lazines, procrastination, drug addiction, cheating, lying, whatever).

great comment. Thanks.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'll definitely look into it

[–]anymanusa1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've known about Peterson from his stoical resistance to the PC brigade, but never thought to look into his work. Looks interesting, thanks.

[–]badchad_isglad20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's only one way to move in life...forward. Count this as another lesson,albeit a hard one, that will make you into the type of man you are working towards.

[–]HumanSockPuppet20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You've got self improvement.

And you've also got us.

Keep pushing your limits, keep fighting for your Mission, and keep coming back. We got you, bruh.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks dude. This is where I go when I lose sight of my mission. Keeps me on track.

[–]VigilantRedRooster19 points20 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Rock bottom suicidal posts are not uncommon on AskTRP. This post is a great resource and inspiration for them. I'll definitely curate this in the AskTRP sidebar. Thank you for posting, OP, and may the road ahead of you be clear!

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. I'm happy to help, nobody should think they have it so bad that they lose the will to live.

[–]VigilantRedRooster16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Probably every human contemplates suicide, and ponders our mortality and all which that implies. It's getting stuck in that rut which becomes dangerously problematic. If you can't self-talk your way out of it, reach out to someone.

People who survive jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco almost universally report the same thing: I realized on the way down that nothing in my life was truly unfixable the way this was!

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That was why I wrote this post. If I can help one person down from the ledge, then my story is worth sharing.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you have recovered somewhat.

I don't think your not gaming women is somehow BP. In fact, what you are doing is much more RP than all of these hamsters seeking validation 'scoring'. Keep working on yourself man, good luck.

[–]ArkAngelEV61 points62 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you bitched out. Dark humor aside, glad you didn't do it. Sounds like there is a bit of guilt about the abortion, don't. Just because your princess was finally getting her shit right and potentially on the path to fulfilling the image you had of her in your head, she would've fallen short one way or another. Don't give rancor an inch, it would only grow.

Especially with thought experiments, who knows in what parallel universe in which she lives, her doing would've been to your detriment. Once you walk the paths of what ifs, it's hard to get out. Only thing you can do is pinch yourself and realize you can only deal with whats in front of you. Not behind, not on the sides, and not over the horizon. What is in front of you.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 22 points23 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate the mildly harsh words. If everyone coddles you, things never change.

[–]ArkAngelEV14 points15 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

If it makes you feel any better, I've had two oneitis's die relatively young. The truth is, had they lived, they wouldn't have taken any interest in me whatsoever and, most likely, would've gang banged other Chads. It simply wasn't meant to be

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 16 points17 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Critical thinking tells me that it never would have worked. But those feelings are hard to bury. I get it, and I'm striving to do better.

[–]kneeonbelly51 points52 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You know, it isn't blue pill to grieve for this girl and miss her. You're able to see the toxicity in the situation and recognize it now, but I think it would be dishonest to pretend like it was all a negative mess and there is nothing worth grieving over. You didn't figure your way out of the relationship on your own terms; she ended it. The fact that the end of it was because of her death would create a substantial lack of closure. It sounds like you are dealing with this well and with integrity for yourself, but I think some people here are underestimating how devastating this situation would be for them.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That means more to me than you know.

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Meh, who cares. Waste of time to think about it. You had a girl, she had issues, probably best avoid those issues in the future, but its normal to miss her. You have a really healthy attitude, good luck friend.

[–]zezozio2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

/u/ArkAngelEV says pinch yourself, what works best for me was to put a rubber band around my wrist and... snap it to get back to the present moment. Relevant.

Kuddos to you for your post. This is real talk. And sorely needed.

[–]BluepillProfessor6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]ArkAngelEV1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]sfengi18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not wanting to fuck sluts doesnt make you blue pill

[–]FreemanPontifex6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't know what to say except for that I read the whole post.

Rough shit, man.

[–]dontaskaboutjack4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You're an inspiration, bud. Thanks for posting. And to be sure, you didn't take two lives that year. You made a very tough call about the abortion, and you were put in a bad scenario with your girlfriend. I'm sorry that happened to you. But I hope you don't feel guilt over it.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Appreciate the kind words. I'm doing what I can to move past it.

[–]sweetleef1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Once you internalize the concept that you can only be responsible for your own opinions and actions, you can free yourself from the guilt. You didn't force her to do anything - you presented your opinion, but how she interpreted that opinion, and what she chose to do, was not in your control. You might benefit from reading the works of Epictetus and his followers.

My condolences, and best of luck to you.

[–]thatbrofoshow points points [recovered] | Copy Link

"Do anything. Just start to do, something."

Yup, definitely agree. Doesn't matter if you don't know what you're doing or suck at something just get in there and try.

[–]sweetleef6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Simply acting is 10% of success - the other 90% is doing it again and again and again after every failure. There's no magic secret, success is just never giving up - and most people give up very early.

[–]Dark-Ulfberht8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good luck to you, man.

Years ago, I lost the dearest person to me very unexpectedly, my mother.

I was red pilled before TRP was a thing, and had had some brutal experiences by that time, including facing the deaths of multiple friends.

But her death nearly put a stake in me.

I will tell you that the pain never really goes away, and neither does the anger. However, in time, you will become immensely more formidable. Events like what you have just experienced, which is arguably worse than what I went through, put everything else into perspective.

All those little problems that bother other people are exposed as utterly trivial. This is something only deep, deep suffering can provide.

You are on the path now, and I think you know it. Continue.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Good on ya brother, and good luck with your journey. Might I suggest a prostitute every now and then to let off some steam and keep the juices flowin? I have a feeling you'll be ready to get back in the game soon.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I do casual shit every now and then but it lost the thrill. I used to love the chase, but I dunno.

[–]JimiJons2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The love comes back when you taste a good chase again. It just takes time.

[–]zezozio2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hoping you're right, let's drink to that!

[–]FractalFactorial5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Its strange how common that response seems to be. Sort of like sink or swim.

Of course I was beta as fuck when I was first broken up with, felt pretty depressed and suicidal for a little while. But when I woke up from it I made an extensive list of improvements and projects. The next time I was confronted by my ex she was all of a sudden interested because I was back on my feet and goal-oriented.

Men (or at least not betas) don't have the luxury of falling back on "rebound" sex or getting validation easily on social media or a club. The only way forward is self-improvement and if you're not getting better you're almost assuredly getting worse.

[–]meh6136 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My deepest condolences for your loss.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I have been an opiate addict myself, and I lost friends to it. I used to feel guilty because I taught several of my friends how to shoot up. None of those have died yet, but I have seen their lives ruined by addiction. I used to feel responsible for causing their destruction especially after I got clean myself. Now I realize it was nobody's fault but their own, but I still feel guilty sometimes.

I told you that to say this: it is not your fault. I could not possibly imagine how it feels to believe that you are responsible in some way for her death, and I am sorry you have to bear that burden. But believe me, it was not your fault. Addiction is a disease. You didn't cause the relapse. That's just the nature of addiction. It preys on us when we are at our weakest. I trust that you put a lot of thought into the decision before choosing to abort. You did what you thought would be best for you, your child, and your lady. There is no way you could have foreseen the future. I probably would have done the same thing. Such is life.

I know this won't help the pain and the feelings of guilt. You are probably thinking what you could have done differently. I know that feeling. I lost my father to alcoholism 2 years ago. I tried so hard to save him, but there was nothing to be done. Addicts will either help themselves or not. No one can save them. With opiates, it's always a game of Russian roulette. Every relapse has the chance of turning deadly. I've seen both of my older brothers lying on the floor not breathing, only to be revived just in time by paramedics. This used to happen every other month.

I don't want to diminish your struggles by talking about my own. I would not want to trade places with you. I am only trying to relate to you with my experiences of surviving this horrible drug epidemic sweeping our country. I have seen it from all sides. Please believe me, there is nothing you could have done. Some of us got lucky and were cured through the grace of God. Some of us didn't make it. I still wear the jacket of my good friend that I used to go on pill runs with. It is only chance that he died and I didn't. Sometimes I feel like he is the lucky one.

Now I am trying to go on with my life and struggling every day. I imagine your struggle is even harder. Please have faith in God. He has obviously graced you too, because you weren't able to kill yourself, and you seem to be slowly recovering. You are still here for a reason. Be strong brother.

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Message me if you ever need someone to talk to. No judgement dude, just someone who knows what it's like.

I kept her blanket after she passed. I feel for you brother.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. They say the best way to fully recover is to help others who are going through similar struggles. We are definitely not alone. I think everyone has been affected by this epidemic in some way.

[–]jimmle3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I lost my red-pill partner in crime to opiates last month. Literally some of the comments on this post about 'junkies' make me so angry. So many people try way too hard to be red-pill and just embarrass themselves by talking a lot of drivel about something of which they haven't the slightest inkling.

Well done for coming out the other side. I know how mighty a beast it must be to have beaten him. It is a remarkable accomplishment.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Sorry about your friend. Sadly, that's just what happens in this game. Thank you for the encouraging words. Slaying the beast is the most difficult thing I have ever done. It took some pretty extreme things to make me come to my senses and live for something greater.

You are right. The others do not have a clue. I think a large percentage of people on this sub are not truly red-pilled. It's not their fault though. Most people will never understand. Its probably better that way. I think that a person needs to really suffer before the truth reveals itself.

[–]jimmle2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

And thank you in return for your kind words.

Agreed; they can't see the wood for the trees. Well I'm glad to hear you are impervious to the nonsense. I hope life is affording you all that you deserve. Live for the fallen, as they say.

[–]zezozio2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Touched by your exchange. Thanks for sharing. This sub has attracted a lot a boys lately, but there still are a few men standing (and walking). It's good to be with such great company.

[–]jimmle2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your generous words. Glad to know I'm in your company too. It's easy to feel outnumbered here; I totally agree that the sub appears to have been commandeered at times.

[–]BluepillProfessor7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I took two lives that year

No you didn't. That is almost ridiculous. Not quite ridiculous and believe me, I understand your point and exactly how you feel. However it is simply not true. The pill manufacturers are every bit as at fault as you and they don't sit up at night crying. There are probably dozens of people who share your guilt. You are responsible for one life, your own and it is yours to live for the rest of your life.

If suicide were even a permanent solution to a temporary problem I could understand it- but it is not a solution at all. It leaves behind devastation and wreckage in its wake.

Thanks for this post. Suicide is never the answer.

[–]suske1274 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey there, brother.

Personally, TRP stuck with me because It promises to teach you how to have a will; over yourself and others. Before coming here, I was always the follower - no matter how much I wanted to be a leader. After all of the reading I've done here, self-improvement, and practicing much of what is preached in this online community, I have become able to control others, when I want to/need to. I have become able to lead and not just follow. I've become "a man"

Now, I do what I want to do, not what others want me to do. That's what TRP has done for me.

I fear a bit because I think if I were in your situation, after finding TPR, I would have said "I do what I fucking want cause I'm a man" - and pulled the trigger.

I hope that in finding this community you have become able to exert your own will over the earth and other humans, like I have learned to do. It's a gift to be able to make change, especially in your liking.

However, I hope if you never get to that point of "helplessness" again. I believe with all of my heart that life is pointless. And therefor all of the things we do, say, learn ; all the relationships we create, are pointless. And that's what makes life so fucking awesome

We don't have to do any of it. We choose to. We choose to wake up every day because we only get so many days. We choose to make friends because we will only ever have so many. We choose to learn and improve ourselves because we only get one chance to live. We'll all die eventually. I want to get the most out of my time. And so no matter how bad it gets, I never seriously contemplate taking my own life. Even though it sucks sometimes, it'll end eventually. I'm in no rush to accelerate that end. I've got too much left to accomplish.

I hope my words strike you somehow and help a bit. Moreso I hope you're alright/recovering well. Keep kicking ass bro and remember that eve though we're mostly assholes, this community is here for you

[–]Woujo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That really sucks man. I know it's cold comfort to know, but you've dealt with the worst, so any success you muster in life will be all the more impressive given your adversity. I've had some adversity in my life too (nothing like what you are facing) and I'm way proud for being where I am than other people in my position.

[–]hulksmash19915 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The best way to describe suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem because no matter what is going on in your life it can always change.

[–]TooManyRappers points points [recovered] | Copy Link

Sorry i dont mean to come off as rude, but i dont understand the bit of having taken 2 lives if you "wanted" the abortion at first? I am aware they are not mutually exclusive but it still sounds like an odd way to put it.

Again, i apologise and i am glad youre focused on improving yourself

[–]FerociousOreos[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It was a tough decision that I made not because I didn't want the child, but because it was the best choice. Then she died and I wished more than ever that I had our child to remember her by.

Sounds stupid when typed out, I know. But that was my reasoning.

[–]KittyMittenz2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for sharing man. Everyone has their battles and demons, some have it worse than others.

This is a very humble reminder to me that no matter what I've gone through, someone else has gone through worse, and they can heal too. Me and 500+ other people thank you for taking the courage to share your story.

[–]lepel743 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have been where you are now brother many years ago, I lost a girlfriend and an unborn child. In my case I was a foreigner in foreign country and moved to there to be with her and the baby. But I lost them to tragedy. And pretty much I had to come over it alone.

I can only express i truly feel you , i know what your talking about. I can guarantee you one thing time heals , be patient. Man up dont sucumb to alcohol or substance abuse it will only make it worse. In my case coping this tradegy made me a better man , let that be your goal be an even better man then you are now.

I feel so sad now... Just dont give up.

[–]MrChillBroBaggins3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks man this is a big help for all of us who are currently struggling. I know what rock bottom does to a man, so I'm glad you are adjusting and I wish the best for you and yours!

[–]Cardonish3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As someone who has attempted suicide - looking back, I can see it was, yes, in part a cry for attention, a way to try and escape what I was feeling - but ultimately, I think, there were also strong elements of selfishness and narcissism behind it, as well.

In some respects, suicide represents one final act by a damaged individual to further hurt those who love them most, and those who want the best for them.

But nothing is ever black or white in this world, or red or blue, and I won't, nor do I think you'd believe it anyway, tell you that you are totally blameless, but it sounds like you need to forgive yourself, which will take time - and it honestly sounds like you know this and are pretty far along in that venture.

We can talk about self-improvement and a mission all day, but in reality, much of what happens to us is out of control. We are all riders in the turbulent river of life. Sometimes it will flow uncontrollably, and the best we can do is to try and build the best ship we can, and steer it the best way we know how. But we are still at the whims of the uncontrollable flow, and to think otherwise would be madness.

It sounds like you are closer to enjoying the ride a little more these days, and I salute you for it.

[–]TrueFacets2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Remember stoicism - you cannot change a person. The only thing you can do is change yourself. And by changing yourself you can influence how you are perceived and acted upon by others.

It is however not you responsibility to carry all the weight and all the blame for everyone who is suffering in the world.

You were close to her and your decision probably had some influence on the tragic outcome BUT you are not responsible for the problems which led to your decision.

Hedonistic society and the neglect to teach you and her discipline and restraint by our parents caused the problems, not you.

what do I know? nothing, I don't know how you feel or how you should or should't deal with the situation. You probably had no evil intentions, so I would recommend to do and behave in a way that you think is right, so you can walk with a clear conscience from here on out and focus on building a better future for you and the people in your vicinity. So that you are a person others like to be around.

It's either this or death. And death is, as you correctly recognised, harming your dearest. The last option is ending in self pity and alcohol yourself but that's like killing yourself, just slower.

I cannot even imagine how hard your situation must be, I wish you all the strength in the world!

EDIT: a little addition, I remember reading a serious study about nostalgia. The super short is: "It's a trap". Humans tend to pedestalize and romanticise the past. And people in the past too. She had real problems back then, and maybe you too. So to at least some degree its her own fault aswell, she was not an innocent angel.

[–]zezozio1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

RE:your Edit. Well, you know what they say:

nostalgia is not what it used to be...

[–]infiniteslinky2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Jesus dude. What a horrible thing to go through, but what an awesome outcome. I have been to pretty serious lows, and have come out the other side much as you have. I am glad there are some success stories of guys out there that make it. Women aren't that important, and when you realize that there is a lot more left to live for out there, you can get started living, and just maybe then you'll get some Vagina on the side as a little added bonus. Keep keeping on, you're going to be great - better than you ever were some day.

[–]Buchloe2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Holy shit man. Be proud. You could have gone any direction, and you chose to take positive action when you could have destroyed your life over these things. Thank you for posting.

[–]SirSubwayeisha2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Best thing I read all day. I'm happy you stayed with bro.

[–]curiously_crazy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You've sorted hinted at it in the sentence "You have an opportunity to find a mission in life and really live your fucking life." but to put it another way, when suicidal there is no way to go but up.

Look at it as a chance to do whatever the hell you want, If one is already contemplating suicide might as well get out and about with a death wish rather than do it yourself. It's the ultimate IDGAF attitude because by not caring about living or dying then by extension you don't care about anything.

Use the weakness and turn it into power.

Cheers for the post mate.

[–]sunshine_machine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am really glad you've made it here. Internalizing all of this will not be fun at times most of the time but carving the boy out of the man includes the pain. The beauty is the journey and being able to see what mistakes you've made is the reason you're here in the first place. Grieve for a day and then get going.

[–]trippinallday2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Agree with everything you posted but the "try medication" part.

There's no medication that can cure your sadness or solve your issue, it just masks it only for it to come back twice as bad one you get off it.

Unfortunately the only way you're going to recover from bad times is facing them head on. Dissociating with drug/alcohol abuse or prescription anti-depressants only prolongs the issue.

[–]zezozio2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're right to an extent. but OP's right also: medication may have it's use when extreme.

[–]Schmoarndi2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My respect! And my honest condolences.

To me, you didn't take two lifes - if this was a well thought through decision there is nothing wrong with it. People decide to abort every day and a lot of the time it is better for the unborn child!

When me and my girlfriend got together we also talked about children. Back then and right now (I study and she is an apprentice) we don't want, can't afford and don't need children. So that's we are using very effective contraception and we both agree that if she gets pregnant she will have an abortion. It wasn't and still isn't a easy decision but we both know it is better that way.

About the second "life": there are things you have no control over and you definitely didn't push her for suicide in my opinion.

I have so much respect for your will to live even though you struggle - it is worth it! Things will get even better!

Also: not wanting a partner or not wanting to fuck women doesn't make you any less TRP. It's about the mindset and oh boy ... Your mindset is beyond basic TRP! Kudos and keep going

[–]drunksaver2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just wanted to say I've been close like you have. I didn't go through with it either because I didn't want to hurt my family and loved ones. Thanks for sharing your story.

[–]Marcuskb912 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You should delete your post history.

[–]StinkyDogFarts2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Damn bro. Bottom is bottom. At least you're creating your new foundation on solid rock, right? Don't torture yourself on what would have been. You have to deal with NOW, you need to be present and you need to let go. You need to work. Work on yourself, work on your community, work on your career, just work. Create. Find something beyond the emptiness you feel, it will fill you.

[–]sickofallofyou2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Punch the heavy bag until the pain stops.

[–]Oz70NYC2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't even begin to fathom that level of loss. You are a testament to the true definition of a man. To suffer that level of loss, near give into you grief, but realize taking the easy way out would hurt more people...and owning up to the responsibility of living on. That takes courage on a level very few can comprehend. You are a true inspiration. I hope you find happiness in your journey my friend.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Who's to say now that red pill can't help you fix yourself?

That's some deep shit man. Best of wishes.

[–]Sir_Distic1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The Red Pill is all about fixing yourself.

[–]RemyPrice2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you need to chat (whether you're feeling low or not) give me a call.

Shoot me a PM and I'll send you my number.

[–]Theunforgiven1932 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A friend of mine once said that he was standing on the edge of a bridge (abusive parent) and made a deal with himself: I'll give it five years and then I'll see if I still want to do it.

To me that was very powerfull and I've used it multiple times. (Not that I made multiple attempts)

He is now in a high end job banging every hb7+ he can find. And he said to me he's really happy that he didn't do it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

you deserve my gold! geniuesly written, so true. people need to focus on the most important things in life, its not all about girls-pussy-ass

[–]dk20033 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't imagine what you went through but I am even more proud that you bounce back. Thank you for sharing your story. It was inspirational.

[–]DevilishRogue4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The pain still sounds too fresh from what you wrote for me to write the home truths as brutally as I normally would, but suffice to say you did the right thing by encouraging her to have an abortion - anyone unstable enough to relapse and kill themselves by OD'ing is not parent material and would in all likelihood have made the child's life nasty, brutish and short too. Better what happened than a few years down the line she has custody, you're paying child support but futilely trying to see your kid and you read in the paper how she drowned the child and then killed herself on a binge. This was never going to end well but it ended a lot less badly than it could have.

Well done for dealing with the situation. It isn't easy, I'm sure. And well done for writing this down to help others. I'm certain that wasn't easy either.

[–]akkyle23 points points [recovered] | Copy Link

There's been a lot of good things written here, but after seeing your post Need to chime in.

Your taking responsibility for another persons action.

Stop it. One of the core tenants here is that you can only control your actions and reactions. What she did was her choice. She made it, not you.

I'm glad you found TRP, and I hope the you can embrace this truth. That's the red pill that sets you free.

[–]jimmle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


I'm not trying to be an arse, I promise! One day you might make the derp in front of someone altogether more important than myself!

[–]orestis_prs1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this post man. I totally appreciate it.

[–]LordThunderbolt3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You didn't take any lives my man. If the child was a foetus with no brain yet, it's still just an egg. Also, you're not responsible for anyone's emotional response but your own. It was her choices in life as a free adult woman that led to her spiraling down the path that a lot of addicts end up at.

A junkie will do what a junkie will do. A woman will do what a woman will do. A human will do what a human will do. She was responsible for her own actions and chose to react the way she felt most comfortable reacting, by medicating.

Now I don't know what your value is or if you're a bum yourself, but you have to learn to not associate with certain types of people aka hard cases. She would've ODed with or without your opinion because the pills to her were her safe haven. Independently of you, the human that lost her life understood her choices and the consequences of her practices. She was already at a threshold, there was nothing u could do about it. Pretty much any strong emotional stimulant would've led her down that path, or a culmination of minor emotional stimulants would've eventually led her to OD.

Wipe your hands clean, forgive yourself, and realize that it was a blessing.

[–]Daxxipro18041 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It takes a lot to share this experience with the internet. Positivity from here on out. You got this man.

[–]mikesteane2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To anyone thinking of suicide: DON'T.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's something that gives me this testosterone rush about "being an empty shell of a person."

Kind of like being a sociopath. Lol.

[–]amateur_acrobat1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just finished my first semester in college. In that time I fell pretty hard for a girl; she was an amazing human being to say the least. She died a few weeks before the end of the semester in a weather related car accident. Losing someone you love isn't ever easy, and you're absolutely right about there being nothing left. Improvement or death is the only way forward after that kind of emptiness. Thanks for posting this.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

But she was mine

I hope this doesn't come off as disrespectful, but she died before Chad could come along.

I think it's a dead people fallacy to think they were frozen in time at their point of death and thus they could do no further wrong.

[–]Horus_Krishna_52 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

likely true, whatever, luckily OP is past that and improving his life now

[–]slay_it_forward3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She'll be greated by Chad in the afterlife.

[–]StinkyDogFarts0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude.. bitter, party of one.

[–]throwawayguy151 points points [recovered] | Copy Link

thank you for this post. i am around where you are

[–]sd4c0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

From what OP said, she cheated on him.

Good riddance. May she burn in hell.

[–]Esthermont-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As much as I'd like to remember her smiling and laughing, I dream of her cold hands and twisted face.

Wtf dude?! Get help, you sound depressed and this is fucking hilarious. It's like poetry

[–]ex_addict_bro-5 points-4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

What the fuck did I just read.

Dude, if you ever want to kill yourself JUST DO IT. Stop attention whoring. But you did, now you do it with a post like this.

Just do it. Less competition for me.

[–]jimmle2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Spoken like someone whose meagre mind couldn't even contemplate the notion of demons let alone house them.

I hope you never lose someone to suicide or at the very least I hope that if you do have the misfortune of such a loss that you don't remember that you ever penned that post because, by fuck, it will torture you. Because I am not a complete cunt, I also hope you never have to try to resist, or succumb to, suicide's draw. You know not of what you speak.

[–]ex_addict_bro-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I hope you never lose someone to suicide

I hope you eat shit and die.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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