TL;DR: Finally broke it off with a girl I've known on and off for a while after I finally come to terms she can't give me what I want. I hate using the phrase AWALT, but I at last realise that a woman cannot deny her nature no less than a man can. (It's gonna be a little ranty)
All Women Are Like That. Before I started seeing beyond the politically correct narrative of the Red Pill, it was the phrase I despised the most. How dare people lump every single person under a blanket statement!?
But then I started looking beyond that veneer. AWALT doesn't necessarily mean 'women are bitches and are inferior to men' as much as it means 'it's in a woman's nature to do that'. I'm sure that there are many things that is in a man's nature that irritates women, but that's beside the point.
I met this girl just before I went off to college. I had zero interest in her at all, and at the time, I was open to having friendships with members of opposite sex. We kept in contact sporadically via email, FB, and whatnot. She seemed extremely interested in my work (I'm a writer) and was always keen on starting conversations with me.
It dawned on me later, as my friends overwhelmingly suggested, that she later took an interest in me. Being the aloof person I was, the IoIs kind of went over my head, until recently. I took her to a book signing and she was touching me up and saying 'let's hang out more often!' Up until recently she stalked my instagram (i.e.: liking every one of my posts)
I had no idea how to respond to it. Dating is this weird reverse tug of war where you need to exert less pressure than the other party. But I refused to believe that, and my limited understanding required that I return some interest.
Problem is, I have a habit of falling in love with every single girl who I think I have a chance with. As a child of the 90s, I was thoroughly indoctrinated by the media that said that noble self-sacrifice was a virtue that women appreciated.
So I started telegraphing interest back. I straight told her I liked her, to which I got a weird response. That she liked as a friend but that she didn't know if it was more than that because we didn't meet in RL enough.
It was a really fudgy answer. If she straight up told me that she only liked me as a friend and that was it, I could have moved on (after days of being really sad about it, being the beta I was), but this led me on.
I ignored her for a few months, and she re-established contact, even wrote me a letter. Hope reinvigorated.
It turned out that we lived not too far away from each other at the time (well, relatively. One of the reasons why I never gave making a move a thought was because she was always on the other side of the world, then, only the Korean Peninsula separated us) and it also turned out that I was touring East Asia at the time, courtesy of my visa requiring me to leave Mainland China every month.
I tried to play it cool, but mentally, it was full-throttle Oneitis. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Hell, I was fantasising about the stupid shit we'd do together (sipping straws from the same cup, kissing at the top of the ferris wheel, calling her funny nicknames)
We did meet up. We had things planned, and she was ecstatic to see me. She said we had the whole weekend.
But then something happened. We were going to attend a games convention together, I got my ticket, she got hers, but then couldn't make it because she thought it was the next day. She made an effort to get someone to cover her for that day, but to no avail. Ok, I won't chalk that up to a flake because she paid for the ticket herself and wasted her own money.
The next day we met, and the chemistry was off the chain. We definitely had something going on. The teasing went back and forth and she even confessed to looking all over the building for me after we met for the first time. She was really keen on meeting the following day. I had a great feeling about this.
Then it happened. The AWALT thing.
She completely went back on her word and told me she couldn't meet up (she was sick, and I don't question that) and thus, that was the last time I saw her.
I had a habit of getting angry at girls who did that. And, as most you know, it's not a good look at all. So I decided to bottle up my frustration that time. Hell, maybe she really couldn't meet me.
Contact slowly faded away. She still stalked my instagram and even sent a few messages my way on Twitter.
She moved back home to California, and it just so turned out that I was heading back for the holidays. We happened to be at the same place at the same time. Hell, we were both going down to LA at the same time too (not together, of course). In previous emails she was keen to meet up.
But, once again, she did that AWALT thing again. She texted me saying 'I'll let you know if I'm available', which, in my experience, is never a good thing. I told her to do so asap because I had people to see (which is true), and she said she didn't have time.
That's twice this has happened. I took the Red Pill last year, hit the gym hard, and started gaining some self-respect, but even though I knew that I shouldn't do it for a girl's sake, I was still wifing her subconsciously.
I'm disappointed. It's not her fault. She's simply looking after numero uno somehow. What irks me though, is what could have been if I handled this differently. This could have gone somewhere, but I wasn't fully Red Pill, and I wasn't that alpha male that all girls crave.
I'm not going to lie, if you managed to make it to the end, thank you. I'll admit that that post was incredibly painful to write. But suffering builds character, and while AWALT, all men must suffer through and overcome.
Back to work
EDIT: I forgot to add that there's a really big piece of irony about this. Previously, this girl knew about my past travails with other girls and slammed them for flaking on me, saying something to the effect of 'women are awful, I apologise on their behalf'. Then she turns around and does the same shit to me. Once again, I'm not angry at her, but this definitely drilled into my head that NO woman, no matter what she says, is the exception to that rule