Hey Whisper, do you know of any good reads or materials on holding frame against parents. Especially against single parent (mother). I could handle normal shit tests but I do find myself a bit lost when having to deal with my mum.
Holding frame against some random clam is much easier than holding frame against your parents. They know you inside and out, there's no such thing as abundance mentality with them, and nexting them is a grave step indeed.
But it can be done. And it must be done. They remember you as a child, but at a certain point, you become a man, and you have your own life to live.
(Some of you are fortunate enough to have parents who are the solution, rather than the problem. For you, the following should be read to understand how the other half lives.)
When you argue about what you should do, you are placing your actions upon the table, and dicing with them for the outcome. The very act of arguing concedes that which you do not wish to concede...the idea that their opinion matters to what you will do.
You are now an adult, and they will have some difficulty accepting that. Remind them of it by not opening up your reasoning for discussion.
Your only reason should be "This is what I have decided to do." To give any other reason invites argument.
They can't argue "No, you haven't." If they argue "You shouldn't" (to try to tempt you into an argument), you can simply agree "Perhaps. But I will." If they say "I won't let you.", you simply point out that they cannot stop you. As you are doing whatever it is.
- Never wait for them to stop talking.
This is implicitly agreeing to have a discussion. If they say they will not let you leave, you tell them they cannot stop you... as you are walking out the door. Tell them what you will do, and immediately do it. Make them scamper after you if they want to talk.
- Prefer telling them what you have done to telling them what you will do.
They cannot argue with what has already happened.
- Draw boundaries. Punish bad behaviour by withdrawing contact.
If they raise their voices or speak disrespectfully to you, warn them once that if they do this, the conversation is over. If they continue, hang up the phone or walk away. Remember that they need to talk to you, but you do not need to talk to them.
Be financially independent of them.
If you aren't, become so, as rapidly as possible.
If you can't (yet), call their bluff preemptively.
If you are afraid they will kick you out of the house, threaten to move out. If you are afraid they will stop paying for your tuition, threaten to drop out of college. Remember that cutting off your child is a dark and terrible thing to do, or have to do... it is much easier to threaten, or imply the threat of, than actually do.
They don't want to do it, not only because they love you, but because it a deeply humiliating thing for a parent to do. It implies a failure of the worst possible kind.
If you threaten them with it, then they cannot threaten you with it.
- Restrict access to information.
If they are the sort of parents you have to hold frame against, then they are on the lookout for weapons with which to undermine your will, your independence, your frame, your self-control, your confidence. Knowing what is going on with you, how you feel, what you want, provides them with opportunities. Tell them little or nothing.
If you become upset, you will be drawn into an argument. Calmly and firmly draw the line between acceptable and unacceptable and enforce it.
- Don't defend. Counterattack.
If they pull some bullshit, immediately focus on the bullshit they pulled. If they read your mail, it doesn't matter what they found out... what's now important is that they read your fucking mail and that's crazy. Doesn't matter that they found your steroids, what matters is that they went through your private stuff.
Put them on the defensive all the time.
If they said your girlfriend dresses like a whore, let her know. Let her know the next time she and they are in the same room: "What do you think of this outfit, mom? Last time you said she was dressed like a whore. Still think so?"
Embarrass them with what they said. Show them that every piece of bullshit they pull, the whole extended family, and the whole world will know.
Problem parents use whatever hold they have over their adult children to do unacceptable shit. They use the privacy of family matters to create a world where the crazy seems commonplace. Let the world know.
Rot abhors sunlight.
- Most of all, hold the fucking line.
Never give an inch to keep the peace of avoid conflict. Peace without honour is not worth having.
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