You see it every day people saying stuff like "communication is key to a healthy relationship". Pretty much every sub dealing with relationships in some way, shape, or form this gets brought up. What they don't detail is HOW to communication, which is what this thread is about.

I was reading Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages and it's actually quite good once you get past the fluff and Blue Pill parts. IMO you can skip the filler as very little of it puts the love languages he describes into any sort of context. As such, I'm going to give you the streamlined version of what I found of use, along with some examples.

The primary "love languages" he describes are:

Words of Affirmation
This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence. To guys like myself who find acts of service and physical touch as important, this love language doesn't carry much weight. In fact it'll often just come across as lip service.

Quality Time
Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention. I find it frustrating when women I've been in a relationship with will be watching TV and they claim we don't do anything together. For them, quality time isn't that, it's actually doing stuff together where you focus on one another. How do you do this? Mutual activities where the other partner is the focus of the time you're spending together. An example of this might be grooming or a massage. This is different from acts of service.

Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved. This is also a very female-centric "love language", probably because of hypergamy. Just be mindful of Briffault's Law here. Buying her trinkets to show your appreciation and feelings don't mean squat in the long run. All they do give her that short-term feeling of glee of being appreciated.

Acts of Service
Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love. This is something men can and should excel at. Not in doing beta acts of service, but "many" acts of service. Chopping down a tree, doing something physical that gets you dirty like chaining the oil in the car, things like that that get the woman's blood pumping. Those acts of service are far superior to things like doing the dishes or vacuuming. Remember, women are not immune to social roles and preconceptions about this stuff, so old school Gender Roles do have an impact here.

Physical Touch
Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need. This also includes sexual touch, and IMO is the #1 love language guys will respond to. I know it certainly is the case for me.

His book focuses on determining which version of the above love languages you and your SO respond to so that you may more effectively communicate. The three questions he uses discover what you respond to are:

  1. How do I express love to others?
  2. What do I complain about the most?
  3. What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse's love language most likely won't be natural for you since men and women are different. What works for women simply doesn't work for men and vice versa, and we can see from the abvove that certain love languages will be female dominated, others male dominated. As I mentioned above, for many, if not most guys, physical touch and acts of service will be one of your primary languages. Just as we respond to visual stimulation to become attracted to women, we frequently rely on touch and actions to convey our feelings. If you've ever heard the phrase women need intimacy to have sex, but for men sex IS intimacy, now you know why that is the case for so many people. Women on the other hand track to more verbal "languages" for communicating their feelings of affection. The point of all this is to recognize the differences in what the two of you respond to and make sure you are communicating in a language your SO understands. Keep in mind this is also a two-way street, so you may need to do some leading to make sure she understands your "language" as well, which Qualification is a valuable tool for. I've written about Qualification before, so do a search on it. A short example is if she's not using a "love language" that works for you, maybe acknowledge her communication but don't reward her for it. Instead, when she does stumble onto something you value in terms of "love language", reward the shit out of her. So long as you're not dating/married to a box of rocks they'll eventually figure out what you value and works best for communicating with you. The catch is that they may actually resent you in some cases "all he wants is sex". For that, see below about introducing them to the idea of Love Languages.

Fading Tingle and Empty Love Tanks
After the first or second year of marriage, when the initial "tingle" is starting to fade, many couples find that their "love tanks" are empty. Complacency sets in, "I love you" loses it's weight, and things become routine. You've really got to be mindful of this when communicating. If acts of service work for your gf/wife, bringing home flowers every week stops having the impact it once did, the gesture stops being appreciated, and Briffault's Law can bite you in the ass. Remember, you've got to give women the emotional stimulation they crave. Doing this with the "love language" that works for them is important and you'll need to do some trial and error to figure out which one works for them. Once you do you can start doing a little push-pull. If they've started expecting you to bring home flowers every week, stop doing that for a while. Maybe do something else instead, but you've got to break up the routine. If she's used to you saying "I love you", break up the routine and give the 3:2 rule a try for a while. If she's always wanting sex, tell her no once in a while. You've got to create that negativity, however small it may be, if you want to positivity to be valued. This is the meta-level push-pull of emotional stimulation women need and you guys have got to create.

Tank Check
Dr. Chapman recommends that you have a "Tank Check" 3 nights a week for 3 weeks. Ask one another "How is your love tank tonight?" If, on a scale from zero to ten, it is less than 10, then ask "What can I do to help fill it?" Then do it to the best of your ability.

Personally I think this is just silly because life doesn't work this way. It's men's "role" to lead and I personally believe it's on us to figure out what love language the women in our lives respond to. Using that knowledge we can stoke their fires far easier than thinking what works for us must work for them, because after all, it's what works for us, right? This is the pitfall I see far too many men falling into, especially when the relationship is having trouble.

Where his advice does have relevance is if your SO isn't fulfilling your needs in the relationship. For example, if you need more sex and Physical Touch is your primary "love language", or you find yourself in a dead bedroom, then the book may be a great investment, assuming you can get her to read it! That's the real catch though, isn't it? Like any type of therapy, it's only effective if the person wants to be there in the first place.

If your SO isn't picking up on what works with you, then it might be time to introduce her to the book and its concepts. If things are already rocky, sit her down with "we need to talk". That phrase will install a ton of dread, so you'll have her attention. Once you do, pull out the book and lead her through what you've learned and that she isn't picking up on what you're putting down. If she doesn't make the effort to understand you better, then there's bigger problems that communication isn't going to fix.