I've been actively gaming and being TRP aware almost 2 years now which has made me convinced that spinning plates and/or being on OLTR (Open Long Term Relationship) is the way to go.
I had my first official "the talk" (ever) with a girl I've been seeing for 7 months now. She has impressed me over the period of 7 months in many ways and shows a great amount of LTR potential. On general level:
- No drama whatsoever
- Not using any typical female manipulation tactics
- Stable background (with some level of mommy issues tho)
- Always willing to have sex as I want and how I want.
- Tries to make my life easier in everyday tasks
- Doesn't bitch about where or when I go (altho couple of times she has expressed that "she doesn't know what Im doing" - meaning she thinks I might be fucking other girls, which I do)
Yesterday I went to visit her and we had a little chat until she brought up the topic of our relationship status. I was about to initiate this conversation myself in the next couple of weeks so I though the time was right and we started talking even tho it would have been better if I've done the initiation.
Well, as you may guess, there was a lot of tears from her although I managed to stay calm even tho it was heart breaking to see a person you care about to fall apart like that. To keep this short, she first started to open up about:
- Me texting her rarely (I text only for logistics)
- Us not seeing more than once a week (I don't see the girls I'm dating/plating more than once a week)
- Not opening about my feelings (being stoic)
- How she wants security/certainty in her life (read: from the relationship - she is 28yo, wall is closing, SMV is going down and she knows it)
- She is worried that I like younger girls and I would dump her in couple of years for younger one (Result of my frame and passive dread and I havent exactly said that I like younger girls but she has read it between the lines - again, she knows the wall is closing)
- She wanted to know "what's next" in our relationship if nothing. (Trying to lock me down seeing my high value enough and fearing that some other girl catch me + once again - wall closing)
- The way she talked gave me an impression that she really had pictured me as a LTR partner regardless of her hunch about me being with other girls etc. As she put it: "I knew this from the beginning" ("this" meaning -> she was suspecting me being with other girls)
After she had left some steam out it was my turn to respond. On general level these were the things I said (now, some of these may seem a bit apologetic/betaish but I felt like I had to go full in comfort with her but still holding my frame and being ready to walk away):
- I told her that this is painful for me to say this because I know how she would react, how much I care for her and how I may lose her (she wasn't that into open relationships based on our earlier discussions about relationships in general)
- Told her that I'm interested in making her girlfriend but only in open relationship because I don't do monogamy.
- I opened myself up to create comfort and for the first time told her how much I like her, how important she is for me and how it will make me sad if she doesn't want to continue. It was interesting to see how mixed feelings she had. Basically I said that I want to have sex with other women too but at the same times she finally heard positive emotional words from me which she had desired to hear for several months. These words for the first time were a nuke level antidote for her disapointment.
- Told her that she would be number one and I wouldn't hangout etc with other girls
- Told her that I see this as a way which will be great for us in the long run.
After that I addressed her questions like:
- What about STDs (Condoms, trust in this matter is important)
- She doesn't want me to find "a better woman". (Said that I'm not trying to find better woman but in open relationship I can be true to myself and to the relationship and I could be 100% honest - something else than cheating in monogamous relationship).
- She asked if I had been with other girls while we were dating (I admitted that I have been and said that we never agreed/talked about exclusivity - This was probably I mistake, I should have dodged the question and used plausable deniability by saying something like: "That's not important. The only important thing is what we have together"). Her response to my answer was that "I should tell you get the fuck out" -> And then more crying.
It was really tough because I really like this girl. The vibe was really strange in a good way while we were having the discussion. She was crying, then kissing me, then taking a bit of distance to me, then hugging me, holding hands, kissing again etc. Internally it was a fucking rollercoaster for me too. Additionally I feel somewhat dumb to "voluntarily" initiate a possible break up. The hardest part for her seemed to be that I was fucking other girls when we were dating. Now the situation is that she wanted to end our relationship. Before I left her place I made sure that she knows that my door is open her if she decides otherwise but basically I expressed that I'm ok with her decision whatever it is. Now I think that I maybe should have stayed a bit longer and just fuck her. It was definitely a possibility considering her behavior during the talk (kissing initiated by her, hugs etc).
Now I'm just waiting to see if she contacts me - if she doesn't, it will be a shame. It all boils down to her attitude towards open relationships and how she seems my SMV (not too high to be unattainable in her eyes, which she actually could be thinking based on her opening up and not too low to agree having open relationship). For my own surprise, I'm actually dealing with the situation pretty well on emotional level (no need for self-pity spiced tears on the pillow). I'm not sure is it because I prepared myself well to lose her or because I'm pretty confident that she will reach after me in couple of days.
Now I may have forgotten something because the situation was kind of intense. Also this was my first time attempting to have official OLTR so I definitely made some mistakes but that's how you learn. Hopefully this gives some insight of what to expect for others who may attempt forming an open relationship.
TL;DR Had a talk about having an open relationship with a girl I'm dating. Lot's of crying and intimacy back and forth. Learned that I had held my frame really well for past months. The Relationship is over if the girl doesn't contact me anymore.