I recently read hilarious thread on 4chan about a guy who harvested his ball sweat, mixed it with cologne, and used the concoction to attract women with great effect. At first, I thought – like any other experienced internet user – that this gent was just taking the piss; grinning with glee at the thought of gullible anons wiping themselves with nut butter and approaching females while smelling like a wet jock strap.

But then, during a particularly relieving session on my heated porcelain throne, my extensive history in armchair biochemistry and human evolution slapped me in the dick and said, “Wait, this is actually plausible!”

Half-Baked Background:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androstadienone http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_pheromones#Humans http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apocrine_sweat_glands http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_attractiveness

  • There are a number of studies that suggest the existence of chemical signaling between humans via pheromones. Chicks living together synchronize menstruation, humans may be able to smell fear, etc.

  • Why the fuck do we have pubic hair? Pubic hair is concentrated in the same regions as our apocrine sweat glands, the secretors of pheromones. Thus, it is reasoned that the function of pubic hair is to diffuse those secreted pheromones by increasing surface area. By covering ourselves with clothing, however, we may be hamstringing our ability to send signals through olfactory channels.

  • Androstadienone, the purported male sex pheromone, is a metabolite of testosterone. Androstadienone itself is odorless. There may also exist other, more volatile, unidentified pheromones that can signal sexual fitness.

  • Men with faces rated attracted by females, i.e., faces which show characteristics indicating exposure to high levels of testosterone during development, also are rated by females as having a more attractive scent.

  • Many men anecdotally report that activities/diets that increase their testosterone also increase their attractiveness among women.

  • What we consider “body odor”, a.k.a. “stinky balls/pits”, is not completely inherent to the sweat excreted. Bacteria that feed on the elements of the sweat produce waste products that give our pubic-haired regions their distinctive funk, which is universally off-putting to both male and females. I suspect this is because stinky sacks and pits are indicative of uncleanliness and thus the potential for disease.

Half-Baked Hypothesis

Gathering apocrine sweat in such a manner as to minimize unpleasant odors and applying the gathered sweat to exposed areas of the body will cause increased attractiveness from females and increased hostility from males when compared to a sweat-less control solution.

Suggested Sweat Gathering Protocol:

  1. Eat whole foods and drink lots of water to flush out any undesirable and/or unnatural odor-causing chemicals in your body. Stop usage of soap and deodorant to normalize skin flora to minimize the presence of odor-causing bacteria. This step may require several weeks to complete.

  2. One day prior to the sweat producing event, eat meals high in cholesterol, saturated fat, zinc, selenium, and vitamins D and E, e.g. whole milk shake with 4 egg yolks, brazil nuts, and peanut butter. Engage in heavy, whole-body resistance training, e.g. squats and deadlifts. Get a good night’s rest.

  3. Shave/minimize pubic hair, wash asshole, crotch and pits to prevent bacterial waste metabolites in the sample. Secure towels/sponges to the crotch and armpits.

  4. Do something manly that generates a lot of sweat, e.g. hit a heavy bag, fucking in a sauna, bear wrestling, etc.

  5. Gather the sweat collected in the towels/sponges into a glass container, refrigerate or store in a cool area out of direct sunlight.

Testing protocol:

  1. Prepare an amount of distilled water equal to that of the gathered sweat.

  2. Mix each solution with an equal amount of the same cologne.

  3. Apply the test sample to exposed areas of your body before going to any social event for a period of a month. Then do the same with the control. Observe any changes in reaction.

So, who wants to give this a whirl with me?