In most relationships, women end up controlling men.

 

They do it by taking the "judge role".

Such as, they take control of the frame or reference on good or wrong, what’s proper and improper and by setting the standards of behavior.

 

Men rarely challenge her frame, which basically means: they end up playing by her rules. To enforce her rules on the day to day life, which is the focus of this post, she uses the following compliance tools:

 

  1. Drama and nagging (set the priorities of what’s important)
  2. Blaming & criticism (browbeats him on the defensive)
  3. Shaming (the compliance superpower)

 

With these three tools she becomes the relationship leader, which allows her to:

 

  • Task him (so he can provide and make her happy)

 

Here are a few examples on how each work:

Nagging

Nagging is a long term, semi-permanent behavioral changing tool. It works in part through conditioning of reward and punishments (behaviorism): do what I like, and you make me happy (and get the cookie); don’t do what I like, and you get nagging.

Eventually, he internalizes the rules.

 

Video example:

 

https://youtu.be/RwYp6ze4Ips?t=73s

 

Drama

While nagging is a long term behavioral modification tool, drama is concentrated, focused, laser beam compliance tool.

If nagging sets the priorities of what’s important, drama sets the priorities of what’s urgent.  

Nagging says "you're not OK", while drama says "what you are doing right now is not OK, move your ass now to change it".

 

Women put a lot of emotions and passion into the drama, and they do so with a self-righteous attitude that screams "I'm right". Since men do not engage in drama and are not used to that over-emotional (and aggressive) type of communication, they fail to see it for what it is: a compliance tool. And they act (for her).

 

Video example:

 

https://youtu.be/H7CgCQIP0WU?t=20s

 

Shaming

Shame is the superpower of the judge role.

It’s a tool of psychological aggression, torture and compliance.

 

Shame leverages our need to be worthy of love and basic respect (Brene Brown). Shame punishes us with scorn, isolation and by stoking our own fears of unworthiness.

 

When women use shame in a relationship, they attack something that every man feels deeply inside:  what it (supposedly) means to be a man.

Some of the most powerful attacks on manhood are:

 

  • Unsuccessful
  • Weak
  • Impotent
  • "Pussy"

 

Shame is is turbo-charged when, as it's often the case, the whole society stands behind it.

This is the case for weakness for example, as a man is not supposed to be weak. But it's also the case of providing for the family, or protecting women.

Men internalize those values and beliefs, which allow women to push his manhood thumbscrews without even sounding nasty (albeit they sometimes still do like in the example below).

 

Here is an example:

 

https://youtu.be/LCHPSo79rB4?t=475s

 

She didn't even need to say "you're not a real man if you don't provide", but she didn't need to: he already had internalized that rule from society.

 

The full article is here