TL;DR - Just read the fat stuff.

**Storytime: Respect the Jab*\*
A few years ago, I was competing in a martial arts tournament. This particular competition was of the "get hit in the face" variety - not just performing choreographies in front of some judges.

Since a lot of these tournaments run on a KO system, there is usually a wide variety in skill between competitors in the first rounds.
This was quite noticable in my first opponent. He was quite bad actually. His moves were wide and telegraphed and he had more tells than a four year old pulling a "+4" from the stack.
However - he was 8 years younger than me, ripped as hell and he had gas for miles.

He was also perfectly willing to get hit in the face - either that, or he accepted that there was little he could do about it with his current skill-set.

Now when experienced fighers fight, they usually measure each other up with a series of little jabs and feints before serious fistycuffs ensue. They rarely get in each other spaces at first: There is barely any fire coming down the centerline - but there is a tangible \threat** of getting hit. The feinting and jabbing is for figuring out a way around \that**.

Now \this** guy was having \none** of that. He was coming straight down the middle, asking to get hit in the face - and I kindly obliged. It was a rinse and repeat: Him walking into my space and me bonking him on the nose - which he seemed not at all concerned with...

Until, eventually, I misread the timing and he hit me with the nastiest low kick imaginable. It was sloppy, but it stung bad. It was Bruce Lee's worst nightmare. This was that guy who practiced \one** kick \one** time and decided he was good to go, because he did crossfit the other 5 days of the week.

Or to paraphrase Ali: This motherfucker floated like a monstertruck and stung like... well... an even bigger truck.

I also noticed another thing: I was beginning to gas out. I had wasted all my energy chipping away at him for points and I had failed to see the obvious - This man was not respecting my jab.
He wasn't respecting \any** of my strikes, actually. He was also not playing for points. He was there to hit me as hard as he could. Nothing I did so far had left a sizeable impression on him.

And there I was - circling, circling, getting tired. Instead of decisively ending the fight at first chance, I was hesitant - and thereby taught him I am not to be feared. Allowing him to walk me down, to draw blood. I started hitting him harder, but past experience had already proven to him that he could win. He was hearing me breathe heavier. I was in his world now...

**Boundaries are worthless if not enforced*\*

The lesson here is that boundaries are only as good as you are at enforcing them. In my fight, I was at first neglectant of enforcing my boundaries. And then, when I noticed I was in danger, I was unable to.

That same pattern can be seen in pretty much any social setting that is prone to conflicts - most of all work and relationships.
We all have heard the stories of girlfriends growing ever more disrespectful of the man they are supposedly in love with. Or of lazy-ass co-workers dumping an increasing workload of turds on your desk, which they are either unable or unwilling to clean up themselves.

If seen from a distance, it all seems so clear: "\Man the fuck up!**", you say to yourselves.

But why is it so hard then to finally \change** something?

Why is it so hard to \stand up** for ourselves?

**At first, you are not establishing boundaries - you are course correcting*\*

In the German language, we use the word "Grenze" for interpersonal boundaries, which I feel is a lot stronger. It means "border", which highlights the following aspect perfectly:

**In order to draw a boundary, you need to have a valid claim to the thing you are drawing boundaries around*\*

Now with your own body, that border is well defined. You have claim over your own body. Our skin is a boundary that is recognized culture-wide. Only a few people will deliberately cross this border against your will. Doing so is a widely recognized dick move - and even if you are powerless to defend yourself, the perpetrator will lose social status over this. (Unless he is a highschool bully).

When it comes to other domains however, things get fuzzy. If you girlfriends / co workers have been able to repeatedly carve out large chunks of your time and energy, and have been left unchecked, \they** will feel they have a claim on these things.
\They** will feel like you are trying to challenge \their** claim, overstepping \their** boundaries.

**When trying to reclaim your claim, rock the social boat as little as possible*\*

Even if, on paper, you have the \right** to loudly and openly re-claim your claim, it does not mean it is \smart** to do so. Don't go Rambo. Rocking the social boat, even with a justified demand, can get you to lose social standing fast.

Instead, whenever someone comes up with an unreasonable demand, just be busy. Be \sooooorry**, but don't budge. Don't compromise. Don't explain yourself in detail. Throw fog. Don't make promises Other things have priorities. Leave it at that. You are under no obligationto justify yourself. If they keep drilling at you, kindly remind them you are busy and get on with what you actually want to do.

**Remember: If you have a valid claim to a boundary, you do not need to explain yourself.*\*

Explaining your reasons for a boundary in detail is just giving the other party more ammunition to take it down. "I don't want that" is enough. Use DARE, not DEER.

**Someone asking WHY to a valid boundary is already probing and therefore not accepting that boundary*\*

Some people just can't help to double check every boundary they stumble upon. They love the thrill of inching up to the line. Presenting a clear boundary is presenting them with a juicy target. Hell, some women even get turned on by intentionally overstepping a boundary and then seeing you enforce it.
People like this are the reason for the next advice:

**Explaining your boundaries explicitly and in detail is an act of affection and friendship and needs to be earned*\*

Explicitly telling your boundaries to people you value is an act of friendship, because it helps them build more secure relationships with you. It is handing them a manual to your psyche.
Explicitly telling your boundaries to people who do \not** respect you, however, will cause them to creep right up against them. This is bad because:

**In order to be socially relaxed and not constantly on guard, you want people to keep a safety margin around your boundaries*\*

**Even a slightly tapped boundary is a challenged boundary*\*

People will keep this margin through respect - either because they value you as well as your friendhip and would not want to lose it. Or because they fear you - sometimes you gotta make them respect your jab.

**Never show your hand by detailing the consequences of overstepping*\*

Some people might decide they are fine with the consequences and push on regardless. Ín that case:

**Have a concrete plan of action ready for each boundary. If push comes to shove, react quickly - otherwise your reaction will feel like petty revenge.*\*

Also, one last bonus tip

**Some people are idiots and accidents happen*\*

Calming word of advice: Not everyone overstepping a boundary is doing so on purpose or out of neglect. \Some people are just borderline clueless.** If one of them happens to tresspass and trample on your domain, kindly show him to the door, inform him of the rules and leave it at that.

Shooting clueless fools is bad karma.