TL:DR - Mediocrity in a man is unattractive, excellence is attractive. High value in one area of your life doesn't mean you can afford to be low value in all others. For most men, selective excellence is their undoing and most never realize how much their embracing mediocrity outside work causes their life to suck. Excellence must become a way of life.
This started out as an observation of various boys and men in and around my life - myself, my dad (especially him), uncles, neighbours, my friends, and the like. All but one or two never got the respect they needed from the people around them, especially their wives or other women in their lives. And they knew it. Deep down it filled them with resentment and anger and often led to victim puking, jealousy and other behaviour. And none of that helped, it made it worse.
And what was the root cause? Mediocrity.
But wait, mediocrity? Come on! Dad was a CTO at a major MNC, my uncle was a genius, my neighbour is a very rich man, another friend became an award winning researcher, another's a banker, no one can fix a car like the man next door.... - what do you mean?
Unfortunately, they excelled in only one or 2 dimensions, which were career oriented. In all other dimensions of life, they were mediocre. And it wasn't for lack of ability as much as lack of vision and the will. And a big ego that wasn't ready to stretch out from the comfort zone and "This is what I am and that's that".
Therefore their wives and girfriends (and eventually even their children) need to nag and beg and plead with them to keep their room clean, keep the keys where they're supposed to be kept, don't dump the clothes on the floor, go to the gym, lose weight, decide what clothes to wear, buy the groceries, know what the kids are studying in school (or even when their birthdays are), or the fact that the bills aren't paid, etc.etc.etc. Not one of them were an exception to a huge, fat belly. Some of them are so pathetic that they won't have the motivation to do anything all day or even cook their own meals if their "second mama" wasn't around, unless they're nagged hard. And even when they had to do it, the results were pathetic. And not because there was a learning curve involved.
With that attitude, you wonder how any of them survived a week at work. Except that at work, they brought in all their high value qualities, and promptly left them all at the office when they returned home. The contrast could not have been more stark and for a while I wondered if they were indeed split personalities.
The fact was that their excellence was selective and reactive. And that was their undoing.
This is the biggest thing that's making one beta - thinking that it's enough to just be good at one or two things, and get just passing grades at the rest, and of course, fail to pass even basic standards at the rest of life. Their favorite question at home, "Ok, so what do you want me to do to keep you satisfied?" They were ok with the fact that someone else would fill up their holes for them and were expecting their partner to do it for them. At work, they were abundant. At home, needy.
And they wonder why life's not working for them. These men were leaders in their lives at work - others asked them what to do, they had the vision, the competence, the drive, the standards, the results, maybe even the inspiration. But at home, they were busy trying to supplicate and hope the true master / mistress of their lives would give them a pass this time. They'd complain they did do a lot of work at home, but the problem was -- they weren't the leader. They weren't generating the right energy - the energy of a true master. They did not exude high value outside of work. Most of them even believed that it was enough to be good at work alone.
This is pathetic. This is what was making them unattractive. They weren't taking responsibility for what was needed to be done for their life as a whole. Deep down they knew it, but never realized what to do about it, or their beta egos got in the way of their own salvation. Many of them were even treated with contempt daily and all they ever did was spread their miserable energy around the environment. It was a bad cycle.
In retrospect the solution was simple :
-- becoming aware of everything that exists in your life - that includes your clothes, your room, your hobbies, your health, your vision for the family, your finances, your cars, or even how you brush your teeth (seriously, most men don't even keep their tongue clean and drink enough water, which is what causes most bad breath)
-- Being truthfully honest with where you stand in each one of these and where you ought to be.
-- Accepting that your life is your responsibility. Others can help you out, but you must lead from the start, sit in that driver's seat, or else you are not taking responsibility for your life. A true leader does his job and knows how to get everyone else to do theirs as well.
-- having a vision and standards for each and every single one of those, and developing it till it becomes a signature style that is respected for its standards. Of course, using others' ideas are totally fine, but these need to be integrated till it becomes your own.
-- bringing in the needed masculine energy, the desire, brains and drive into everything one is or does. You need to bring in huge desire to do this, not a small, weak desire that promptly flees at the slightest discomfort.
-- not living a life dependent on reactive emotions all the time. For e.g. a need to keep things "fun" all the time makes it impossible to deal with the tough stuff. It's better to accept what needs to be done, and do it because it is the right thing to do. Unfortunately few people ever outgrow these childish paradigms. These men needed self generated drive for feeling, instead they were depending on externally dependent emotions. This was not just their problem, it is a collective failure of humanity to distinguish between proactive and reactive states of living.
It's at this point most of them resorted to rationalizations - as if they were children. The worst part of that was as they got older, so did their egos, so they found the truths harder and harder to handle and began to engage in too much beta thinking about worrying about what others would say when they started improving (as if their image was good to begin with). These men wanted to be revered - but they found it more comfortable to deal with being treated like shit than to do something about it.
A very common characteristic of a beta male is to resist truth and act arrogant when confronted with his own mediocrity. They lose frame very easily at the reality shit test, because their frame isn't based on reality.
Unfortunately there is no magic wand, no way to grow that muscle without the right pain and discomfort. A lifetime of mediocrity cannot be erased overnight, but over time. Every man has to go through the process where he's still unfinished, and none other than those who care about his growth value him, before becoming a finished product that his former critics now shamelessly adore and try to imitate themselves. And he's the beneficiary of it.
This is man's biggest weakness and BP conditioning - to think that just being good at a couple of things is enough to take care of his entire life - to think that only a few things matter and it's ok to just make the passing cut or neglect the rest. Nope, your life is way bigger than you, and every aspect of your life deserves the appropriate best of you - otherwise you will find yourself undeserving of the life you want. Every aspect of life is different and needs to be dealt with accordingly - what worked for you as a child will not work as a friend or a parent and definitely not a leader. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole, so you must do what works.
The second is that proficiency in one area of life won't guarantee results and excellence in other areas of life. Rather than trying to indirectly compensate for your lack of game with your salary slip, that weakness needs to be addressed directly for what it is. You must learn to game women, become an excellent lover - I know a lot of people come here and somehow do not want to acknowledge this as part of self improvement, but there's no point hitting the nail except on the head. Likewise, if you have no dressing sense, instead of using your nerd credentials, it's time to learn the art of wearing clothes. Whatever area that is found lacking needs to be addressed directly.
Excellence doesn't come overnight. Your earliest attempts at self improvement will be met with the usual contempt because you've created that reputation for yourself. A little later, you might inspire enough dread in the people around you that they'll tell you any shit to keep you mediocre, and even see you as a threat. Because you changing is pushing them out of their comfort zone as much as it is pushing you. But eventually a change happens in the very way people experience you. And that is where they must adapt, or die. Many will adapt and treat the new you in ways that will shock you. Others will drift away, which is ok, because those relationships are no longer authentic. Only the few ones who knew what you were capable of, wanted you to grow and helped you in your journey will take real pride in your growth at all stages. All the others are simply reactive to how you are at any given point in time, notwithstanding their earlier memories of you.
Your mediocrity in the aspects of your life which your BP self deemed unimportant (which is untrue) is making you unattractive, and the results in your life are the proof of it. You are losing respect, authenticity and attraction. You are treated with contempt. Forget sex and positive energy, you're not being treated with the same grace and basic manners given to another human being who may be a complete stranger even. Do you really want that?
An attractive man is respected, even revered, let alone being the heartthrob of many a woman. Without that respect, there is no foundation for the rest. But that respect is earned, created. That needs excellence, vision and standards to be a life principle. And if you want excellence, you must be willing to take the discomfort needed for your own growth and a more authentic life. Selective excellence must be banished. Only when your excellence is not selective, and is a way of life, will it begin to appear in all facets of your life, not just your job or passionate hobby.
Discomfort? Yes, it's the way of the man. It must be embraced with pride, with strength. One day you'll be grateful for it. And you'll sleep so well you'll know what real comfort is.
PS : The fact that some people might think I'm advocating <cough> choreplay <cough> kind of shows how they only see taking responsibility = becoming a better mule and not = transforming into a lion. That's how deep seated our conditioning is. A leader means he pulls his own load, outsources the rest and gets everyone else to pull theirs as well. Simply working harder won't help you if you simply keep doing more of what doesn't work - also it won't help you if she's still the master who owns the frame of your life.
But hard work is actually needed cause it's another matter all together that some people are utterly lazy and unwilling to push their comfort zone even by a few feet. I've been there, I know guys of my age who're still there and who're too lazy to even notice how bad their socks stink, and I need to tell them to stop wearing pants so loose that the whole world gets to know what brand of underwear they wear. At work.
If you just aim for the lowest possible performance, you will get the lowest possible life. Simple.
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