Upon examination of my sorry state after being dumped I realized I wasn't a man but a boy trying to push all of his problems onto a "mommy" to deal with. I went through the processes of grieving and whatever else and have come to a few conclusions. Here they are.
Conclusions I've made concerning women:
- Women are just people. This was a big discovery for me. They aren't goddesses walking the earth for me to serve. I currently have a resentment towards women. I no longer offer them praise or compliments. The resentment is a blessing. I can focus fully on myself. I see them exactly as I see men. Typically a passing interest. Something to enjoy in the moment, not to savour and prolong contact. Like chillin with the bros who just became your bros for the night because you're all drunk and liked the same song at karaoke.
- I don't like hoop ups. This is a personal choice. It fucks with my head and I don't want to feel feels so it's better to just avoid it all together. I don't feel any more a man when I'm with a woman. She doesn't fulfill me. Only I can fulfill me. I get more pleasure out of a new PR than I do from hooking up with a random girl. I found what I enjoy and I'm going to strick to it. I know what I want sexually and I'm not willing to settle for less just so I can brag to my buddies about it. I've learned to redirect my sex drive into productivity. I don't feel any less a man for that choice.
- Women don't care about your emotions. They are turned off by what I'm feeling. They only care about their own feelings. Same as I currently do, oddly enough. They want drama and resistance. They don't want you to be straight forward. They want you to be dodgy and uninterested. At least that's what my current experience has been. I don't like it, so I'm not dealing with it. I'm looking for my best options and the only place I find them is when I look myself in the mirror.
- I don't fucking need her. That's it. I don't. Never will. It's just an option on the backburner.
- I don't understand love or what it is and I don't care to. A woman's love, other than my mother's and grandmother's. Just to clarify. Though honestly I never told anyone in my family I loved them. Nor have I told women I dated. I've seen the hurt in their eyes when I don't reply but I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I even question if I do love them or not. It's an alien concept to me.
- Now more than ever in my life I have shown women near complete disregard and they chase me. Never before have I been approached, sometimes they are even so forward that I could stand up and take her home just then. Just last night I was dancing at a club me and my buddies frequent on weekends. I was approached constantly with compliments. Easy openers. I didn't take any because I didn't want to and that felt amazing. One woman I was talking to plainly told me she needed a good fuck. I didn't feel anything when she said it. Thinking about it now I would have been ready to explode if a woman told me that 6 months ago. I'd be running to my car. Now, it's nothing. Just an option. That's great.
- Another pulled away from her boyfriend to dance with me. The guy kept pulling her back and a few other guys came to "calm her down" and apparently reclaim some faulty material. They didn't say a word to me. Just tried to get her off me. She kept using me as a barrier to ward off her boyfriend, she told me it was her boyfriend btw, and she even went as far to say "dance with me but don't touch me." An attempt to reconcile with her boyfriend I assume. When she said that I went to move off. She followed me. The guys eventually wrestled her away and left. At least I didn't see them at all for the rest of the night. That's a long story but I'm getting to my point. The only time I ever get that kind of attention is when I don't give a fuck about fucking her. I like the attention. Hell yeah. I'm not going to obsess over it though. I'm not disappointed because I didn't get a fuck. It was a good night. I was in control. Simple as that. That's a big step for me.
- The longest of my conclusions are about the ladies. Monk modes biggest hurtle for me was giving that part of my life up for a while. Or maybe a long long while. I'm not concerned about landing a babe and "making a life together" anymore. I'm concerned about making my own life great. I'm very happy with myself and my growth. I do not feel like I am lacking.
Conclusions I've made concerning my career:
- I've learned to not be afraid to take chances. If I want to go to school for something I will. I'm going to see where it takes me instead of trying to plan out the next 40 years of my life right here and now depending on what major I choose. I'm not concerned about "wasting" money on something that I might not be happy with for the rest of my life because my education doesn't nail me down to one career path forever unless I let it. I can always make more money. I can always change my lifestyle. I've been learning to embrace these changes. I look forward to learning instead of dreading a bad decision.
- I can accept failure. I used to be unable to move forward from my shitty job because I was afraid of failing somewhere else. Failure is not the end of anything. If anything it opens as many, if not more doors than success. It's just a different path. I've learned more from my failures than my successes is most cases. The fear of failure no longer cripples me.
- I can approach employers confidently. I'm very sure of my abilities. I can wear my weaknesses without fear of them crippling me. I know I can overcome them and I know how to explain myself in a professional way that expresses competence. I'm not intimidated or worried. All I have are options, just because I don't get this one or the next 10 doesn't mean the end of the world. Always another opportunity.
Conclusions concerning my health and well being:
- My body is mine and mine only. How it looks and feels is my responsibility and I take that responsibility very seriously. Looking good means feeling good. Which further translates to confidence. Which translates to success. Believing you are capable of greatness is a powerful mindset. Putting on muscle has helped me a lot. I feel the muscle on my body. I see it in the mirror. It has a major impact on my mindset.
- Look strong, feel strong and be strong. Simple feats of strength give me a boost of confidence randomly through the day. Even shit as simple as pushing a door open. Holding open that heavy door at work with one hand easily. Yeah, doesn't seem like much. I let it mean something to me. Why not bolster myself up on some simple shit?
- Little things that used to bother me don't. Little things used to add up and break me down. Now I break them down as they come about and nullify it before it'd ever an issue. I worked to understand my mind and created a mindset that is largely beneficial. That's a crowning achievement for me. Understanding is key to a lot in life. Looking at things in life logically simplifies them and makes life digestible.
I'm getting tired of talking about myself. Just wanted to make a report of my progress and get some feedback. Thanks for the read gentleman. Gonna call this my field report.
TL;DR 23 y/o Boy wants to become man but still wants recognition for his achievements from the gentleman of TRP.