Writing this to process things. Feel free to roast, feel free to comment. But please let's keep it professional and rational. I cover a lot of points that I messed up.

Personal background:

31, lifelong athlete, on the swim team, (bit on the skinny lean side but active as hell), speak 5 languages, plays an instrument, involved in two startups, and have a solid job at a big corporate company. Eloquent and semi-well dressed for the most part. Discovered game and red pill in my 20ties. Went from rags to riches in 10 years during my 20ties. Started with 300 euros on my bank account and 50x that during the time. 30+ lays, stopped counting BJs.

Cons (writing this as my own reminder): sometimes introverted, loner type personality.

Oneitis story:

A couple of months before COVID hit I meet this girl. Let us call her Anna, 26. Prior to that I was in a 3 year LTR with a person with a borderline personality disorder. That relationship was fun but had an end since I had to end up supporting the girl in order to get sex. Ended the relationship.

Anna is an artistic type. Never dated somebody from the arts before. Body = 10, Personality (when she wants) = 10. Since I am 21 I did not get my hands on a girl like this for longer than 1 month. And fuck she liked me.

We started off casual, joking that the relationship will only last 3 more months. A good year later I got involved with her family, her friend's circle and integrated a good part of her habits into my life. While I was distant in the beginning but she was really warm and integrated me in her life, her family etc. Got tricked there.

I always believe that dating people from different fields helps you develop yourself and grow if you can pick the things that work for you. You have to let loose to some degree. Sometimes it is good to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Fast forward to spring this year she mentions she wants to be in an open relationship. I have seen warning flags of this before as she increasingly hung around with other men, other social circles. I was really good at ignoring the red flags. I kept my frame, saying "sure why not" however, did not secure any options for myself since I really could not be bothered to look for other women. I tried with some girls, but they were generally against seeing somebody who was dating somebody else (NO SHIT, should have seen this one coming.) Had a fling with 3 girls, one even preferred anal to everything else so that was nice.

I was on a 2-month break between jobs and spent time with my family abroad. I did not spend so much time with my boys since a lot of them ended up moving elsewhere or having babies. Not thinking about other girls since I felt certain security from her side, especially since she was mentioning forward-looking statements prior to the open relationship story.

While I was away I noticed this thing with Anna was ending. We saw each other maybe twice every two weeks. She was mentioning that she would like to have me as support, as a lover but see other people until she is ready to settle down (WHOA, alpha fucks, beta cucks.).

This is where things went loopy in my head and I could not help it. I started to feel such strong jealousy towards any potential guy she might want or has slept with. I have never-ever-in my life felt these emotions. Fuck it was like somebody took the joy switch in your head out and burned it in a furnace. I lost 3kg this time and dropped my body fat below 12%, which made things even worse in terms of anxiety. I told her that we either close this up or end the relationship, or just stay fuckfriends which made her go nuts. She said she needs a month to think about this, and I insisted on an ultimatum. She said no, and this is where it broke me. When she came to pick up her stuff from mine I broke down, and started to barter how we could make this work again (again, NO RATIONALITY IN THAT, pure fucking chemical imbalance and hopium). I come from a family where my parents went to hell and back again due to family illnesses and tragedies. They stayed together, unquestionably. This is why this shook me up so much.

Afterward, I even made the fucking mistake that I still needed to talk to her. I KNEW i shouldn't, I even wrote it fucking down. I wish I just dumped my iphone down the fucking toilet to stop myself but I couldn't. Fair enough we spent almost every day last year talking to each other. It went as far that I had to ask her to tell my face that it is over, and she is never planning to get back together with me. Funny enough she did not want to say the never part (fucking mindgames). Otherwise, my brain just did NOT want to accept it. Slowly it is now.

The problem, I notice in hindsight is that I did not have the patience or stand the ambiguity to wait it out. Scarcity mindset hit in HARD. I should have retracted all my attention from here on and let her do her shit, knowing that it would have not ended in an LTR anyway. I think this is an attachment problem I need to work on in the future since people hate needy people. In the future, I will keep myself more distant from girls, but also constantly remind myself of this experience, like a memento mori.

The second problem I noticed is that once you get the oneitis it is hard to acknowledge and rationalize it. If you are really so attached to the person it feels like a cigarette or heroin when you talk to them and they are nice to you. If they are not, you feel rejected, hurt, and deprived. If you live alone, in a foreign country this can sometimes be extremely hard. At some point I even had suicidal thoughts which I rationalized away (smart enough to know when I am going loopy). And it is extremely hard to keep true to yourself in a relationship when you hang out with somebody seductive like this. It is almost impossible.

Started going out and mingle with people 3 times a week now, play an instrument outside and just chat to everything that passes me to get back into the mood. Training about 14 hours per week. Did a high-dose psychedelic trip (was overdue anyway). Got about 6 plates spinning but no lay for 2 weeks. Need to go through the sidebar and write the shit out. All I need now is PATIENCE.

I think I still have a long way to go. But in terms of TRP there is no going back now. This one made me realize, hypergamy is a thing. And the easiest way to keep women is not to be afraid of losing them. As soon as you do - it's over. You give in to her shit tests? It's over. She might stay with you, but the relationship is over. Had this confirmed to me way too many times now.

Go ahead, roast me here, talk shit, (would appreciate it if you keep it nonvulgar and rational).

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QUESTIONS

Open to advice and suggestions on how to build a stronger friends circle as an ex-pat. I have lots of friends from sports clubs, but the "chad night out" friends are slowly fading after I hit 30. I would like to only sleep with HB8+ in the future, which makes it a bit difficult. I am not really attracted to anything below.

Open to advice where to meet women, other than at bars / parks. I did a good 5 years of Ashtanga Yoga and thinking of signing up for some classes.

I will get out of this runt, and I will find my inner zen again. But I realize I have to work on it and find strategies. I am asking you for all the resources you can give me on this. Please keep vulgar to the minimum and this as effective as it gets.

Thanks guys. TRP is sometimes labeled as extreme, but once you go through this kind of shit you see there is truth to it.