Preface

There are not many RP posts on grand parent dynamics. This will be the first then. Perhaps others will chime in over the years and we'll learn how living an RP life affects the relationships with grand parents and what RP laws stand out when we take off the Blue Lenses.

Body

The most important rule I've learned from NMMNG is to set and reinforce boundaries. I never considered that, by not reinforcing boundaries, no one would really know me. Which is exactly how I felt all my life. I felt so frustrated with people for getting me wrong or treating me like shit. Well, dumbass, it's because I let them. I've been very adamant about treating people as I prefer and avoiding them or setting boundaries immediately including my granny when I'm with family.

Now my granny is a peculiar case. She was raised on a farm. My sailor grampa married her when he was in his early 20's after his enlistment was up in the navy. He'd seen it all. Did all he wanted. My granny had never left her farm state; a southern bell. So when I was raised mostly by her when my dad was in his early 20's, she was the sweetest bell. The best woman you have ever seen.

The Grandma script

I'd come to find out later my grampa bent over backward as each of my granny's shit tests increased. He is no longer the lively happy man he once was "to make my granny happy". Her sweetness, softness, and charm seems artificial now and rightly so. Her emotional responses are not appropriate for the given context. Overly sweet and overly concerned. Etc. This is the grandma script. She worries about everything and interjects with everything (being overly helpful to a fault) because she's been allowed to.

My grandpa has given up everything because "she didn't like it". One by one. One hobby and one passion after the next. Slowly over time. He wants to move into a bigger house because he can afford it. She doesn't ever want to move. He wants to get rid of all the junk stacking up in the house. She says some of those broken trinkets are her mom's given to her or "will be important". About half of every drawer in the kitchen is now stashed with junk. I talked to my grandpa about the junk. He hates it. But he "can't get her to take it out". Grandpa has loved the new me. He talked about cathouses in the navy. Shows me his pipes he still has. Shared about his travels and beautiful topless Hawaiian women. He's more mentally there than I originally thought. I hardly lose him when I show him how to use his computer. He's just been so quiet because he keeps his mouth shut to not upset my grandma.

Resentment to her AF turned BB

Now things go from sweet to sour. After everything my grandpa did for her, house, new cars, took her out of the farm and around the world, etc... she now resents him. She doesn't realize it. I do. She mocks him and his "silly dreams". Dreams he talks to me he wants to do or wishes he did because he never did them. Or can't because she doesn't want to. She mocks him in front of guests. She made him think he was starting to lose his memory around the house because she acts like she's always right and knows best. She's bitter. When she comes home from work (she's 70 and still on her feet, blue jeans, sneakers, the whole deal) she complains to him.

Comfort Tests & Shit Tests

Here's where I set boundaries and female solipsism rears its ugly head besides telling me I don't eat enough now that I've lost weight. Since swallowing the pill I have treated her like a child who wants my attention. If she points out anything worthwhile I engage in conversation. I used to tell her I love her a lot. I only say it sparingly to make it special and certainly not when she's done something I don't like. I do not let her complain to me like she complains to grandpa. I tell her "I don't want to hear any bad news. Let's talk about something else." She likes to bring up medical problems of her friends or deaths. I simply do not wish to know. I tell her "I'm sorry to here about your loss" with a hug or tell her I do not wish to know of anyone's medical problems. That is not my business. I do not want to hear any more bad news. This has made her salty with me. Sometimes, and she even says this (comfort test), she thinks I don't love her. I calmly tell her I love her very much but I do not wish to be treated a certain way (based on her behavior) and she'll say "I'm 70 years old! I have seen more than you have of this world!" She acts like a know-it-all. I see where I get it from. Like family. Or my personal favorite: (shit test) "awalt_cupake! The devil has gotten a-hold a you!" I didn't mention her heavy dose of conservative Christianity. Everything's about being good and loving jesus until you get on her bad side. More on that later.

Solipsism

She emulates masculinity and reason but cannot understand it. (My theory is this is root of lesbians and any sexual attraction to them. A strong womanly figure I was raised by. I tend to attract and be attracted to bi-sexual women.) She says she was raised by an alcoholic father and beat and forced to hold up heavy weights and stand outside for hours if they did something their father didn't like on the farm. Now this could be true. But it can also be exaggerated. I found that my grandma waited bars when my grandpa and grandma traveled after marriage. And she had no problems. Now anything alcoholic is the devil. Regardless of the merits she is a strong woman still going to work at 70. However, it is to be without saying she emulates the behavior yet doesn't understand it. Here's why.

I am busy but I stopped to visit. I'm working on my startup reading some books that will help me when she pops up in the room. I am intent on finishing the paragraph. She tries to interrupt and I tell her to hold on I'm not finished. After she asks me about a package that didn't come by for me that I had delivered here. I checked my e-mails this morning and saw that the package would be a late delivery. I knew about it. I calmly told my grandmother "don't worry about it". She got all huffy and puffy like I just told her she couldn't go out to see her friends it's passed her curfew. I said again "don't worry about it". And my grandmother stormed off. She was angry she could not worry about it because everyone lets her worry. My grandpa sees this. But his understanding of women is flawed. Instead of seeing the absurdity I see, he sees his wife's feelings being hurt.

"Now why did you say that to your granny?!"

"I didn't do anything wrong."

[pause] "No but- but- it was how you said it!"

I'd like to add this has been a reoccurring statement of how I'm handling my life since RP. They don't like my new behavior but I calmly explain I'm setting boundaries and being my own man. Their only fall back is "it's not what you say it's how you say it!" Equivalently "It's not what you do, it's how you do it!". That's grand parent speak for "I don't like it anyway." Their goal is to make you feel guilty so maybe you stop. Guilt trips and shame (sexual and non-sexual) were a major part of my emotional doctrine growing up.

Feels > Reals

Men do things because they must do them to accomplish some action. A man must punish his child for disobeying to command authority. Perhaps this authority is to protect their child. Or to train them to be the kind of person they need to be much like a smith must strike his iron when its hot to mold it into something useful or better. If these things do not happen in adolescence, then nature or the harsh experience of the world will. And it will do so crudely and mercilessly.

Women cannot fathom this reason. They don't do things to accomplish a goal. They do things to capture a feeling. So when they see men, they see cruel gods made to smite them and make them feel bad. Dolores Umbridge in the Harry Potter series is the perfect example of this behavior. She seeks power and respect. She emulates masculinity to command what she seeks and the crude emulation is fear tactics and cruel physical punishment. This is one reason why women don't make good leaders. They are unnecessarily cruel. Men see a logical flow of reason to their actions to get the results they seek. Women seek to deliver feelings with their actions. (Projection)

My granny makes dinner. It's one of my favorite meals. I see an opportunity to give my grandmother praise for making something I prefer and to give her good feelings (I love you and a hug). I ask her if it's the meal I like. No answer. I speak up. She slowly nods her head.

"Granny? Granny? Can you hear me?"

"Yes... I can hear you"

This is her being salty. She's ignoring me because I ignore her when I'm doing something important or she tries to start complaining to me wish I have told her I don't want bad news. She's being spiteful.

"I love this meal. Thank you so much."

I give her a side hug which she isn't too happy to be a part of.

"Don't worry about it." She says dryly. Flatly. No emotion.

"I'm telling you thank you for it."

"Don't worry about it." She says the same way again. I chuckle.

"You know I love you anyway." I grab a fork to sit down next to her.

"Ha Ha Ha" It was the kind of chuckle from your chest you might hear from a man who'd done it all and seen it all and was amused by my statement.

She doesn't understand my behavior towards her isn't to spite her. I was doing something else that required my immediate attention. But she thinks it's all about her. She can't see why I said it. She only sees what I said. And she forces it into conversations like she did her. Just to smack my compliments and love away because she herself is being salty. To project it back onto me. Just as an anecdote, she might stick her tongue out at me and hustle away. One time I was talking to my grandpa and she came up beside me and hit me with her fist on my back. It was soft not like she could do any harm. But she did it out of dislike towards me. First time my granny ever hit me besides a paddle when I was just a little boy. I found that rather disturbing. I ignored it and did not give her any validation that day.

Since losing a lot of weight she tries feeding me garbage. Bakes too many cakes and gets me to "just try a slice". I tell her those foods are not good for me. One time she tried telling me her home made macaroni and cheese was good for me. I laughed. "Just because it tastes good doesn't mean it is good". ".... It's good for you". She insisted I don't know everything again. As per her script.

Like under-developed man getting angry at the gods because it rained on him. Not knowing that it needed to rain to quench the earth, but because the gods spite him.

Sometimes things just are. But in women world they are either good or they are bad. They like it or they hate it.

Summary

Then there are times when I see the little girl in her. She'll be soft spoken and gentle and ask me what I'd like to eat or if I'm hungry whenever I visit. Some days I'll reward her behavior with praises of her work (sewing my clothes) and you should see her light up. And she'll be in a great mood all day. So it's not always like this. But we already know the sweet side of the grandma script.

Lessons Learned:

  • Granny will disrespect grandpa in front of family and friends (what a silly man he his! Him and his dreams)
  • Granny will try and stuff you with food and unhealthy foods. They don't know how health works.
  • Even if you take the woman out of the farm, you can't take the woman out of the woman
  • Solipsism forces grannys to crudely interject spiteful behavior in contexts that don't make any sense
  • Setting boundaries and being your own man is akin to the devil
  • BP behavior may have started with your grandpa
  • Women emulate masculinity & use cruelty because they can never comprehend men don't have to feel in order to do
  • Grandpa is sharper than granny.
  • Grandathers keep their mouth shut to avoid problems.
  • Talk to grandpa, he knows more about women than you think even if he err'd on the side of love and equality in the marriage
  • Grannys will act out like complete children to get any kind of response out of you