Like most of us, before I started this wild ride, I was what we shorthand as “beta” around here. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being that kind of person. Most betas are decent guys. You’re not really a loser or an idiot. Being beta makes a lot of logical sense. You try to please others, avoid conflict, help others be happy, and assume other people will like you, like being around you, be nice to you, and do nice things for you. That makes sense. You’re not even doing this as some kind of entitled nice-guy™ covert contract thing. You’re just being nice to people to avoid making waves or hurting others, and because you like it when other people are happy. And it makes sense to assume that most other people are pretty much like you -- generally nice folks that would do the same for you, right?
The end goal of most "beta" guys who come here is power over women. Independence. Success. Most of us go through a series of stages, outlined below. Some of you might see yourself in me, some of you might have done things a little differently.
Appeasing: As a "beta" guy, when I dealt with my wife, I dealt with her from the position of a people-pleaser. She would say something, usually a complaint, and I would assume that her complaint was legitimate, serious, and warranted addressing. Essentially, I assumed that she was saying what she meant, which is not really an idiot assumption. Most people say what they mean, right? So I would verbally respond to her complaint at face value, that response usually being an apology or some form of defending myself if the complaint was about me. My specific response depended on whether I agreed with her complaint or not. Being “beta” doesn’t mean you’re necessarily a total pushover and concede to every remark a woman makes, just that you elevate each of her remarks to something worthy of serious consideration and response. If the complaint wasn’t about me, I’d usually respond with some form of proposed solution, advice, or an offer or promise to help address the source of the complaint. Because if she said something, then it was worthy of my consideration and response. She wanted me to consider it and respond. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have said it.
I don’t need to tell any of you guys how those years went. Constantly in the dog house. Infrequent sex. Publicly and privately disrespected, shamed, emasculated. Never good enough. Always wondering what the hell was wrong with me, with her, with our marriage. How I could do so much all the time, yet all that I did went completely unnoticed, or wasn’t appreciated, or was actively minimized and brushed off as trivial and unimportant during the bitching and emasculation sessions. Why somebody I loved, who supposedly loved me, who I did so much for, could treat me that way, and not see how she treated me.
Bargaining: Continuing with the “beta” assumption that most people are nice and most people appreciate others who are nice to them, it was obvious that the way my wife was making me feel must have been completely unintentional. So all I had to do was tell her how I saw things, and we could have a discussion about that. Good communication is the key to every marriage, right? She needed to know how she was making me feel.
I don’t need to tell any of you guys how those months went. Each time we spoke, she did a good job of not laughing at me, but took great care to explain, quite loudly, why everything she said and did was justified due to some action, behavior, or character trait of mine. And how she definitely wasn’t feeling very attracted or in the mood for sex when she had to deal with a husband who was like that. I would promise to improve in some way if she would work on the way she interacted with me. Compromise is the heart of marriage, right? And she explained, quite loudly, why the way she was acting was my fault and was based solely on what I did to cause it, so of course if I wasn’t such a loser/idiot/slob/selfish/etc, her responsive behavior wouldn’t have ever happened and wouldn’t be an issue.
Being “beta” doesn’t mean you’re stupid. I knew damn well that when somebody does something you dislike, there are respectful ways and disrespectful ways to address that person about it. I’d been doing the first for quite some time. I knew it was perfectly possible to respectfully address issues with people, and my wife had a master’s degree and was able to hold a steady job working with idiots, maintain friendships, and speak respectfully to a lot of people – I’d seen her do it. No, she was deliberately choosing to be a disrespectful bitch to me when it was fully in her power not to. But I figured there was no sense pressing the issue. She’d heard what I had to say and would probably be a little nicer in the future, because no wife wants or deliberately tries to make her husband feel that way.
Confronting: So I stumble upon this Red Pill thing, read about 15 minutes worth of material, and realize that I’m not supposed to tolerate disrespect. Of course bargaining and negotiation didn’t work – the Red Pill said so. And I got mad. Decided I wouldn’t put up with her disrespect any more. I started calling her out every time she was passive-aggressive, just plain aggressive, or downright mean. I yelled, fumed, said mean things back, argued that her response was disproportional to whatever she was unhappy about. I even got pissy and angry in front of her friends, who tended to get uncomfortable and leave, further pissing my wife off.
I don’t need to tell any of you guys how that went. Even if you’re shooting down a woman’s shit and getting into screaming matches with her, you are still elevating every word she says into something worthy of the full force of your response. Arguing, defending yourself, yelling, getting angry, saying mean shit back – that’s just as “beta” as being a people-pleaser. You’re still making what she says the focus of your existence and responding to it. You’ve just changed the words you use to respond.
Dodging: So I keep reading this Red Pill thing for another 15 minutes or so, and realize that I’m not supposed to pay attention to stupid shit women say, so I start ignoring her when she’s a bitch. I walk away. I blow her off with 1-2 word responses and go do something else. But come on. When you walk away from a woman every time she does something mean to go hide in another room, it’s not like that isn’t obvious. You’re a butt-hurt little baby. And my wife called me on it. Stomping off, giving her the silent treatment – that was just a different kind of whining. That’s just as “beta” as yelling at her. I’ve just changed the color of my response. But I’m still responding to her. Making her words the focus of my life.
Enlightenment: I get a new job and we change cities. I started work at a small office. The boss is old, a lot of younger kids work there, and the only people kind of close to my age and my place in life are these two 30-something single moms. I’m a 30-something married dad, so it makes sense that we kind of hang out, have things to talk about, grab lunch together, get drinks after work. And when I come home and talk about my day, these are the people I talk about.
I don’t need to tell you guys how that went. My wife starts bitching me out about spending too much time with these women and how I’m always talking about one of them. She accuses me of cheating. I’d been reading The Red Pill for awhile now, so instead of profusely denying it, I simply responded that if she really thought I was cheating, we wouldn’t be talking about it. She’d be handing me divorce papers. I chuckled that she was just trying to get a rise out of me and that it was cute, but I needed my voice tomorrow, so no yelling for me.
Then I did what any logical married man who doesn’t care what his wife thinks would do. I set up a play-date with my daughter and both of my co-workers’ kids. At the pool. Because unlike my wife, these 30-something single moms are actually skinny and look awesome in bikinis. And I’d been working out like a fiend and my chest looked badass. And we sat around looking hot and drinking beers and talking about work and inside jokes and shit that didn’t involve my wife and playing with each other’s kids, and these moms, for all of the crazy drama in their lives, are good at mothering and my daughter loved them. My wife cares about her social appearance, so even though she had next to nothing to contribute to the gathering, didn't want to be there, and especially didn't want me to be there, she was polite as could be.
That not caring part is key. Every bit as important as the other women in bikinis part. When your woman is seriously out of line and has been for a long time, she needs to wonder if you love her.
Fucking: So my wife is acting all quiet and brooding and pissy that evening, and I’d usually have taken some kind of action when she’s being passive-aggressive like that, but I just have another beer and keep playing with our kid, give her a bath, read books, put her to bed. I get back to the bedroom, and my wife asks, “Did you have fun today?” fully intending to start an argument. I push her ass on to the bed and we have sex.
Gaslighting: Afterward, she asks if I’ll stop being an ass now. I ask what the heck she’s talking about. She asks if I’ll please spend less time with my co-workers. I act like that’s a silly request and remind her about my 12-hour work days, but assure her that they don’t wear swimsuits to the office. She calls me an asshole. I pretend not to notice and remark on the short dress one of them wore last Thursday. Instead of crying or getting pissy, she giggles.
From that point on, a good three quarters of the time, when she complains about something, I act like she didn’t even talk and just continue with whatever it is we were discussing, or whatever other thing is on my mind. And she acts like I didn’t just ignore her. The other quarter of the time, it’s straight up agreement and amplification.
This shit’s long. I’d better write a conclusion or something:
We all go through Red Pill stages. We start off beta, we try to negotiate, we try to argue, we try to ignore. Only when you reach the point of true uncaring does anything work. In fact, once you reach the point of true uncaring, everything works.
The key is not caring. Being aloof. Saying and doing things you’d never do if you were worried how a woman might respond. Because the very act of doing those things indicates that you don’t care how (or if) she responds. You want a woman to wonder if you care about her. If she knows that you do, or knows that you don’t, there’s no point in her remaining invested in a situation. You want her investment? Make her wonder if you care.