This article is the second part of a 3-part series. Part 1 discussed why a man’s purposes are the most important things in his life and why they also bring him the most pleasure. Part 1 also discussed how a man’s confidence pushes him towards his purposes and anxiety pushes him away from his purposes. Part 2 will discuss how a woman’s attraction to a man is centered on his purposes, which in turn create his emotional experience and his reality. Part 3 will discuss how a man can manage his ego to maximize the pleasure he receives from pursuing his purposes and minimize his anxiety.
What are Women Attracted to?
Most men cannot answer a simple, yet extremely important question: what exactly is it about men that women are sexually and romantically attracted to?
Most men would say that women are attracted to good looks, height, a big dick, social status, money, and cool stuff like cars and houses. Obviously women find these things attractive, but it is clear that these things by themselves are not enough to build real, sustained attraction over the long term. Sometimes men say that women are attracted to men who are alpha, confident, intelligent, “nice” or have a good “personality,” but those answers are usually not helpful because they just create deeper questions: what exactly does it mean to be alpha, confident, nice or intelligent? All of these answers contain some truth but miss the primary thing women are attracted to.
The most attractive aspect of a man to a woman is the emotional experience he enjoys. What HE enjoys, not what SHE enjoys. Women obviously also want to experience positive emotions, but there is a hard ceiling on how awesome a woman’s emotional experience can be, which is why she prefers to enjoy the man’s emotional experience vicariously through him, as if she was experiencing his reality through his emotions. It’s a bizarre quirk of human nature, and the strangeness of this concept is why most men completely misunderstand women.
By “emotional experience” I mean the totality of the emotions a person experiences, from your lowest emotions (your desire to eat, shit, and scratch your butt) to the highest emotions (your desire to learn about the universe, have deep relationships with people, and venture into the unknown). The pinnacle of an attractive emotional experience is the pleasure that comes from pursuing desirable purposes (what I call journey pleasure), and not the feeling of actually consuming the fruits of the journey (destination pleasure). It is the difference between journey and destination pleasure that most men do not understand, and why they think they can attract women by buying them things or doing them favors.
To create an attractive emotional experience for yourself you must have confidence, which is the feeling that you can easily make progress towards your goals and that nothing can stand in your way. Confidence is the firepower you need to feel journey pleasure, and is essentially the feeling that you can get whatever you want, whenever you want, nothing can stop you, and that you are pursuing the best possible thing you can be pursuing. Anxiety is the opposite of confidence, and occurs when your subconscious mind feels like 1) there may be a better purpose you could be pursuing and 2) your journey to your current purpose might be thwarted because of threats or obstacles on the way. Because confidence is the primary ingredient for an attractive emotional experience, it is the most important trait women look for in men.
Women can also pursue desirable purposes and feel journey pleasure, but their ability to do so is greatly hindered by the fact that they naturally feel much more anxiety than men, which means they naturally feel less confidence, which is why they prefer to vicariously feel a confident man’s journey pleasure, which is stronger and more consistent than hers. Having anxiety is like living in a physical and psychological prison that cripples you when trying to pursue things you want and makes you a slave of what others think of you, which is why women want to psychically step out of their own body and fly on the alpha male’s wings. In addition, humans did not evolve in a world with police, guns, or jails, so women have a strong, constant emotional need for an alpha male to keep them safe and hunt down future resources for them outside of the tribe’s territory. Even though these emotions make less rational sense in the modern world, women still have those emotions and are still strongly attracted to confident men who hunt down desirable targets. The larger, more difficult, and more desirable the purposes you pursue, the more attractive you become.
To provide an attractive emotional experience for women, a man must create an attractive emotional experience for himself first, which requires him to insist on following his own purposes rather than the purposes of others. “Holding frame” is the alpha male’s insistence that his purposes are the correct ones. A man does not hold frame by forcing his purposes on others, but rather by sticking to his purposes with laser focus and only paying people attention who help him pursue those purposes. And if a woman chooses not to pursue the alpha male’s purposes, that is her loss – she is just stupid. It may sound counter-intuitive, but the more of your thoughts and emotions you dedicate to your own fun and following your own purposes, the more she will feel attracted because your “selfishness” causes you to enjoy a superior emotional experience, which will in turn allow her to vicariously experience a superior emotional experience.
The feeling projected by an alpha male, and the feeling that betas wish to vicariously experience, is the feeling Mike Tyson feels when he knocks out his opponent, when Eddie Van Halen rips a guitar solo in front of thousands of screaming fans, when firefighters walk into the burning World Trade Center on 9/11, when Elon Musk invents some new technology that changes the world, or when Michael Jordan hits the game winning shot and cry tears of joy as he hugs the championship trophy afterwards. People enjoy watching those men in action because they place themselves in the shoes of those men and feel the confidence, power, and ultimately joy of those men vicariously through them as they purpose their grand purposes. Because those men have cultivated the conquering emotion with regard to the at least one of their primary purposes, they can also carry around that emotion to other aspects of their lives, which is why people like being around somebody like Mike Tyson even when he is doing something mundane like eating dinner or going bowling. But even those great men sometimes sacrifice their own emotional experience to make women happy and lose the thing that is most attractive about them. Each of the men I mentioned in this paragraph is or has been considered one of the top “alpha” males in society but each has also been treated like shit and taken advantage of by women for acting beta.
To create an attractive emotional experience, you must consciously and rationally determine your purposes, rather than let your emotions or other people determine your purposes. You must also order and prioritize your purposes correctly so that each purpose has the correct amount of space and importance in your thoughts and emotions. And most importantly, you must feel like your purposes are “correct” such that doubt and anxiety do not cause you to deviate from them. The universe is constantly trying to distract you from your purposes, and you must stand steadfast in the face of these distractions – especially if they come from women. Women evolved to carefully analyze mens’ thoughts and emotions and can often determine what your purposes are when even you cannot, and the moment they suspect the hunt is compromised and you are being distracted, even by them, they start looking elsewhere.
Your purposes create your reality, so when a woman adopts your purposes and your leadership, she enjoys your reality as if she stepped into a virtual reality game where you are the hero. A woman who emotionally invests in an alpha male often acts like a little child in an amusement park because her reality is a constant joyful adventure towards desirable goals with nothing to fear or be anxious about. The world is a beautiful place, but most people live in a miserable reality because they feel like there are obstacles to the things they want. But those obstacles melt away in the alpha male’s reality, which is why people want and should want to live in his reality rather than their own. Women obsessed with an alpha male often compare it to a religious experience because being in his presence makes her feel like she in a higher reality where there is complete abundance, joy, and no anxiety.
Anybody can create an appealing emotional experience for themselves for a short time. A nine year old girl can snort a line of cocaine or buy a ticket to Disneyland. The challenge, however, is to sustain that emotional experience in the face of potential threats and distractions, so that you continue feeling joyful and confident no matter what anybody else does or says to you and no matter what happens to you. It is this solidity, immovability, and ability to draw boundaries to protect their emotional experience that women are seeking in men – they want to make sure the virtual reality game they have stepped into is “safe” and free from threats. And to check if you have this solidity, women will try to attack and destroy your emotional experience from every angle to see if you can continue to maintain a joyful emotional experience. If she can destroy your emotional experience, then she will feel like anybody can. Furthermore, humans evolved to view reality as a battle of wills and a struggle for power in the dominance hierarchy, so if your word is not law in your reality then somebody else’s word is law. And if your word is not law, then she will subconsciously feel like you cannot pursue your purposes, which means that you cannot guarantee an enjoyable emotional experience.
To vicariously experience your emotional experience, a woman must feel accepted by you. In fact, the desire for acceptance by the alpha male is one of the strongest human emotions, because without acceptance by the alpha male we are left in the jungle alone with no protection. But women evolved to only feel accepted by the alpha male after they positively contribute to his emotional experience. This means she must take meaningful steps to gain your validation, and only afterwards can you provide it to her. If you try to “accept” a woman when she has done nothing to deserve it, she will either feel like you are not really the alpha male, or that your acceptance is fake. You must protect the quality of your emotional experience with your life because women are attracted to you because of your emotional experience, so if she can ruin your emotional experience, not only will your reality be less enjoyable, she will lose attraction to you.
The predominant emotion in an attractive emotional experience is joy. Joy is THE emotion women are attracted to because it is the culmination of all of the other emotions coming together in a harmonious and satisfied way. A man feels true joy when his lower desires/purposes are satiated so he can focus his thoughts and emotions on venturing into the unknown to transcend his current reality and create a superior future reality for himself and others. Think about the most fun you have ever had: you weren’t worried about you had enough food, or shelter, or money, or that somebody was going to kick your ass, so you could focus your thoughts and emotions on your highest purposes: your sense of wonder, your sense of curiosity, your sense of adventure, your sense of accomplishing something valuable: that is joy. Because the alpha male is uniquely suited to feel joy and to spread that joy to others, he is uniquely attractive.
It may sound cheesy or gay to say that the pinnacle of an attractive emotional experience is joy. Most people think of an alpha male as serious, angry, aggressive, stoic, or mean. Certainly, the alpha male must be able to embody those traits when necessary, but the ultimate reason for deploying those traits is to obtain joy. Similarly, the purpose of money, status, material things, and everything else is ultimately to feel joy. It is a sign of the beta-ization of our society that the ideal man is depicted as gloomy, aloof, angry, or “hard”. Throughout most of history, a “real man” has been portrayed as a simple dullard who works his ass off and sacrifices his own enjoyment for others. That man is not the alpha male; he works for the alpha male.
The Ideal Emotional Experience
The ideal emotional experience for a man to experience depends on three primary factors, each of which depends on the others. First, you must feel safely, warmly, and permanently accepted into the tribe, as if there is no chance you will ever be rejected. The alpha male is the top-ranking member of the tribe, so not only is his status unquestioned, he can reject others at his discretion, which means that everybody must follow his lead or suffer rejection. Second, because you enjoy a privileged position in the tribe, you have privileged access to all of the tribe’s resources, including food, money, sex, and anything else you could ever want. In the ideal emotional experience, you are a member of the perfect tribe, which means that the tribe has everything and anything a person could ever want or need. Third, because you control all the tribe’s resources and can give orders to the rest of the members of the tribe, you can focus on doing what is most pleasurable to you or anybody else: confidently venturing into the unknown to defeat challenges, obtain new resources, and create a superior future reality for yourself and others into the tribe. I call this pleasure “journey pleasure.”
If you can induce these three emotional states in yourself, you can feel like the alpha male and you will act accordingly. Inducing this emotional state, however, is difficult and may require meditation, study, self-analysis, therapy, successful accomplishments of goals, and other spiritual work. To make matters worse, even if you induce this emotional state in yourself for a short while, it is always liable to be wrecked if you are faced with a difficult challenge, if you are rejected by somebody, by biological factors, etc…. You need, therefore, a way to quickly bring yourself back up to emotional speed, especially if you are mid-interaction with a girl. I discuss how to induce this emotional state later in this article and in Part 3 of this series.
Journey pleasure is the highest pleasure humans can feel because, from an evolutionary perspective, the most important thing an archaic human being could do was to venture outside of the tribe’s territory, kill enemies, and hunt down animals for food. Everything about a human being’s body and mind was designed for hunting, and we feel our highest pleasure when hunting a resource-rich target. The power of this emotion is even apparent in modern society: most popular sports involve defeating some kind of rival (sometimes in physical combat) and hurling a projectile into some kind of goal. The plot of almost every movie and play involves a man defeating a challenge to get some resource, and usually the resource is a beautiful woman. Because journey pleasure is the strongest and most exciting pleasure a human can experience, I believe it is also the raw, unfiltered “thing” that women are most attracted to.
A man who has achieved these three primary prongs has fulfilled all his emotional wants and needs, so he can feel the highest emotion of all: joy. Joy is the feeling that we are making continuous progress into the unknown to fulfill our desires in novel ways, and we can only feel joy when our lower desires are satiated. When a man perceives obstacles on his path he feels anxiety, so joy requires feeling that any obstacle can be overcome. That is why, at least at the very beginning of every interaction with a woman, you must exude unfettered joy. Even if there is something negative and shitty you can talk about – don’t – the most powerful thing you can provide her is positivity.
An extravert, by the way, is just a person whose subconscious mind naturally feels positive emotion in social situations because it feels like it can get the things it wants from the interaction (and in general). Conversely, an introvert feels negative emotions (neuroticism) in social situations because it feels like the paths to the things it wants are blocked by threats. Psychologists define happiness as just extraversion minus neuroticism. People who are energetic and excited in social situations feel like they have a clear path to the things they want from other people, whereas people that are timid, low energy, and feel drained by social situations feel like other people represent a threat to them that they cannot overcome.
Your challenge is to be able to “trick” your subconscious mind into feeling that the paths to the things it wants are open, just like an alpha male would feel. To do this, you must build an “inner world” that you can use to “delude” your subconscious mind into feeling these emotions. If you are tall, rich, famous, and women throw themselves at you, your ”outer world” will cause your subconscious mind to create these emotions, but if your outer world is not there yet, you can use your inner world to “trick” your subconscious mind into producing the right emotional experience. I discuss how to do this in Part 3 of this Series.
Venturing into the Unknown
Journey pleasure is strongest when one ventures into the unknown because it is wired into our genes to understand that all “new” resources must come from the unknown. If we stay within the confines of the tribe, we will only have access to the existing resources, all existing resources will eventually be consumed. The unknown, however, provokes deep anxiety within humans because 1) it is full of potential threats and 2) it is full of infinitely appealing paths, so it is not clear which path one should take.
The individual best equipped to venture into the unknown is the alpha male because 1) he is the most capable, both physically and emotionally, of overcoming threats, and 2) he can provide certainty to himself and others that he is on the “right” path. Evolution determined that the tribe will be more successful if it ventures into the unknown and faces threats as a unit rather than as a set of individuals each doing their own thing. Because the alpha male is most capable of venturing into the unknown, evolution wires betas to follow and obey the alpha male, to let the alpha male lead the way, and to give the alpha male superior access to the resources of the tribe. In return, the alpha male provides the betas protection from the dangers of the unknown and resources in proportion to what they have contributed to the tribe. The most important resources the alpha male provides, however, are two “meta-resources”: 1) protection and 2) the ability to venture into the unknown to go get more resources. These meta-resources are much more important than any other resource, which is why women are not impressed with guys who buy them things – they don’t care that you can give them a banana, they want the man they feel can protect their current banana stash from thieves and get them infinite future bananas in the future.
Anxiety causes us to freeze and slowly gather information about the unknown until we see a clear path through (this is partly why anxiety causes you to ruminate so much). However, sometimes the additional information is just not there and you need to jump into the unknown with wild abandon. Only the alpha male has the emotional fortitude to jump into the unknown like this because he has more testosterone than anybody else. Testosterone is the chemical that makes men competitive and want to do wild, reckless things. It is usually dangerous to do wild, reckless, things, but sometimes when facing the unknown that is your only option.
You can think of the tribe’s territory as a physical place surrounded by boundaries: these boundaries are invisible, enforced by the emotions of the apes in the tribe, but the betas often instantiate their emotions in the physical world by actually building physical boundaries or walls. Evolution keeps the betas within these walls by making them feel strong anxiety whenever they even think of leaving the territory to venture into the unknown. At the same time, evolution causes betas to want to obey and follow the alpha male using a carrot and a stick. The carrot is that venturing into the unknown is the most emotionally appealing thing a person can do, so betas can enjoy that experience vicariously through the alpha male. Oftentimes a beta fuses his own mission so deeply with the alpha male’s mission that he loses his own identity and just sees himself or herself as an appendage of the alpha male. The stick is that beta evolved to feel crippling anxiety whenever they feel they might do something that would upset or offend the alpha male. The alpha male decides who is accepted or rejected by the tribe, so if the betas do not play their role, the alpha male can reject them, leaving them in the jungle alone and unprotected.
Humans also emotionally conceptualize the walled territory abstractly (a human is just an ape that can think abstractly). Your “comfort zone” is essentially the walled territory, and you conceptualize everything outside of your comfort zone as the unknown. If you leave your comfort zone you feel anxiety, whether it involves getting a new job, getting a promotion at your current job, moving to a new city, approaching a woman at a bar, or even exploring a new idea that contradicts ideas you are comfortable with. Humans are resistant to change because it makes them feel like they have left the “territory” where they are safe and protected by the alpha male. This is why feminists often demand that men “encourage” (give courage to) women to do things that women traditionally have not done.
When interacting with a woman, you must read her and determine what her “walled territory” is. In other words, figure out who she IS. Then, you excite her and build attraction by leading her out of the walled territory into the unknown in a controlled way. For example, if she is interested in philosophy, you can build attraction by having a conversation with her about philosophy that is slightly beyond what she can do normally by herself. If she has a stupid opinion about philosophy, you can challenge it, but do it in such a way that she continues to feel accepted by you: the last thing you want to do is pull her into the unknown and make her feel abandoned there.
Humans become bored the moment there is no unknown left to explore. The desire for the unknown is why people “want what they cannot have” and why “the grass is greener on the other side.” It is also why a woman married to successful businessman will fantasize about slumming it with broke rappers and why people with nice houses with big lawns and beautiful kids have mid-life crises. The desire for the unknown is the source of all human innovation and creativity, but it can also lead to insanity and useless wandering down meaningless and dangerous paths. Worst of all, the desire for the unknown can lead to serious problems in relationships, as we will discuss later in this article.
Practically speaking, you can “venture into the unknown” by creating art, consuming art, learning stuff, overcoming your own limitations through self-improvement, solving problems in your life, being curious, growing in your career, or just walking through the world with an open mind and absorbing everything. In social situations with a woman, you can "venture into the unknown" by engaging in challenging, interesting conversations where you both learn something and/or solve some problem together, consuming mind-expanding art, exploring a city together, violating social norms with respect to behavior and opinions (in a good way), having new experiences like trying new food, challenging each other by making fun of each other, playing competitive games with and against each other, engaging in some kind of self-improvement together, etc...
You fail to venture into the unknown by having boring, mundane conversations, by focusing on your lower pleasures like eating and video games, by letting her take the lead and take the conversation into boring and stupid territory, by doing mundane, repetitive things that she has done a million times, and by acting fearful and anxious. If you talk, dress, and act like every other guy, and hold a series of narrow-minded and conformist opinions, and show a strong fear of doing anything that violates social norms or her "rules", you will not represent the "unknown" to her.
To remain on the cusp of the unknown you must remain dynamic and be constantly ready to change the subject of conversation, leave the situation or suggest that you and her go somewhere else and/or do something else, or just do and say anything that pops into your head that will make the interaction fun for you again. There is no rulebook for how to do this; you must do what is fun for you at that moment, whatever it is. If you feel the interaction dying or slowing down or becoming boring, it is your responsibility to do something to make it fun again. Most guys let interactions go to shit just because they are happy to be in the presence of a hot girl. If your only option is to leave her, it is better to do that than to suffer through a shitty emotional experience; once she sees that you are willing to defend your emotional experience at all costs, she will be more attracted to you, more willing to emotionally invest in you, and more willing to let you take the lead the next time you come back and give her a second chance.
Ordering your Emotions
The ideal emotional experience is a pyramid where the less important emotions (eating, fucking, staying warm) support the higher and more important emotions (hanging out with your friends, expanding yourself intellectually, accomplishing goals). The less important an emotion, the less precedence and time you give to them. The pinnacle of this pyramid, the purpose that all lower purposes support, is venturing into the unknown to pursue the Ultimate Transcendent Purpose. The Ultimate Transcendent Purpose is the creation of a future reality that is infinitely better than the current reality in every way. It is an impossible goal, which means that you will never run out of journey pleasure as you pursue it.
The alpha male has perfect abundance, which means that he can fulfill his lower emotions at any time. His attitude towards lower pleasures is “yes, I enjoy sleeping, eating, and fucking, but I can get those things whenever I want so I don’t worry or even think about them.” Because his desires are ordered correctly and he can fulfill them whenever he wants, the alpha male consistently feels a calm, disinterested, almost humorous, satiation and contentment about most things, the same way you feel most of the time about cheeseburgers. The only desire of the alpha male that is not satiated is the feeling of venturing into the unknown, which is fine, because venturing into the unknown is our highest purpose.
Human beings innately “know” what the ideal emotional experience is, and we just feel right when our emotions are correctly prioritized. Unfortunately, most people cannot maintain this prioritization because they feel scarcity, so they place that particular desire at the top of the pyramid. Obviously, many men feel scarcity with respect to sex so they put sex at the top of their pyramid. Putting sex, or any other lower desire, at the top of your pyramid, is unattractive to women for several reasons: 1) you are no longer focusing on venturing into the unknown to pursue grand purposes, which is the most fun thing you can be doing, so your emotional experience now sucks, 2) you are showing that you are not satiated with respect to your lower desires, which means that your emotional experience sucks. If you were around a guy who was constantly talking and thinking about eating food, and was constantly desperate to eat, you would think he was either starving or mentally ill. In either case, you would not want his emotional experience. Eating food is great, but it is objectively not the highest part of your emotional experience.
Women evolved to constantly scan your thoughts and emotions to to figure out what your emotional experience is to determine whether it is worth vicariously experiencing. Women can therefore “sense” if your emotions are ordered properly. If not, they lose attraction. When women complain about the men in their life they usually complain that the guy is over-prioritizing some purpose the woman thinks is stupid, like video games. They also complain that the man is not ambitious enough, which is code for “his highest purpose is not impressing me.”
There is nothing wrong with desiring sex, discussing sex with women, and even telling a woman you want to fuck her. In fact, women want a man who is confident and in control of his desires and lose interest if you try to present yourself as a harmless, asexual dork. But sexual desire becomes “creepy” when wrongly prioritized. “Creepiness” is just emotional over-investment in a particular emotion, and you over-invest in something when you place it in the wrong place in the hierarchy of your emotional experience. If somebody spent more than 4 hours a day worrying about how good his shits were, you would think he was creepy. Therefore, when you talk about sex, you should talk about it as if it had the same importance and emotional weight and importance as eating lunch.
I used to wonder why women only wanted to have sex at the “end” of the night. Why can’t we have sex at the beginning of the date and go out to dinner and a movie after? Why do I need to have a conversation with you and pretend like it is interesting? Like most guys, I assumed that women would not have sex with you until you “proved” that you liked them, and you prove you like a woman by doing things for them, like buying them dinner or listening to their bullshit.
The real explanation is actually much weirder and more interesting. Women do not want to have sex until the “end” of the night because women want to have sex with the alpha male, and to the alpha male, sex is a relatively low priority activity, almost an afterthought. The archetypal alpha male goes out, has a fun night, and then has sex as “dessert,” almost like masturbating before bed. A man who just wants sex is beta because he is willing to spend time with a woman who contributes nothing to his emotional experience. Because so many men overvalue sex, and because women know that most men overvalue sex, when discussing sex you should be careful to pull the conversation back to “higher” things occasionally to show that you are not a needy monster that just wants to put his dick into something.
Women’s Access to Your Joy
Women want to experience the alpha male’s emotional experience, including and most importantly, his joy. Women want to feel like they are at the center of the tribe, like they can cut through any challenge to get the things they want, like they can control other people to do their bidding, and most importantly, like they are on a fun adventure towards a worthy goal. Unfortunately, women cannot BE the alpha male because they do not have alpha male’s confidence. Women are about twice as prone to negative emotion than men - this evolutionary curse is because women are physically weaker than men and also evolved to protect children. In other words, you must defeat challenges to be the alpha male, and women are too afraid to confront the challenges in the unknown head on, especially when those challenges are other people, and especially when those challenges are men. And because women cannot become the alpha male, they also have a deathly fear of rejection from the tribe because they need the alpha male’s protection. The hottest, meanest, sluttiest, most arrogant woman must obey and follow the alpha male because, from an evolutionary perspective, he can go get anything he wants, and she cannot, so she has to rely on him both for the things she wants and needs to survive, and for the journey pleasure he feels to get there. And she must act right because he can get anything he wants so he can leave and go get 10 better looking women if she does not act right.
I am out of space on reddit, go to my website at https://www.woujo.com/blog/2019/12/15/the-purpose-series-part-2-of-3-how-women-are-attracted-to-men-with-attractive-purposes to read the rest.