Good god. Ever since I have learned that phrase, it has put so much into perspective..stuff that I have kind of already known, but it was nice just having the pieces fall into place.

As I scour my FB Friends list. I scour my wifes FB Friends list. I see people on the street, at work, old friends from HS...putting myself FIRST has never been a higher priority. I am SO GLAD that I started lifting years ago, dropped some good weight, packed on some solid muscle, and for a man in his 30's, when compared to my peers...I look fucking good and it was the best decision I have ever made. My wife is stilll beautiful, but her looks will fade, I know it..especially if she continues her drinking. But her friends...holy shit, I see their looks fading FAST. My friends (men and women) YUP! getting chubby / fat, hair thinning out (sometimes that isn't their fault), etc.. and I just realize, from at least a physical / physique perspective, how much of a gem I look compared to them. I honestly wonder if my friends wives, or my wifes friends ever look at me and compare to their husbands (overweight or out of shape, or super thin, etc...).

I have to admit, being a man in his 30's with kids and married, but being in great shape...there is a pride factor that comes with it. I "enjoy" taking my shirt off to mow the yard or do yard work, or go for a run, etc... and do wonder if ladies or other peoples wives are checking me out. Yea, my ego is talking..but I have worked my ass off for it. 4x a week, 1+ hrs a day, for several years.

But that wall man...holy shit is it ever more true in MY LIFE then ever before. I find ZERO of the women around me or on my FB friends list, or her friends even remotely attractive. There are some cute ones, but as I age and keep myself looking young and in shape, I eyeball the 20 something year old girls all the time, at the gym..and sometimes think I get some looks back (not sure though).

The sad part, unfortunately, is wishing my wife just KNEW the gem (in my opinion) I am for her and she would go out of her way to want me. We are in a bad place, oh well..not sure if we will recover, but the more my confidence rises, and our marriage crumbles, it makes me wonder about what is in store for me for the future. I am not sure I would ever get married again. It would have to be someone super special. And the more RSD Tyler videos I watch, all his free tour shit, the more I realize if I go single, I want to try all types of new women...new pussy, and get to the point where saying NO is easy, and my SMV is super high and I would have my choice at a partner. I have felt lucky as shit for having the woman I do now...how I feel about her, unfortunately, is not how she feels about me I don't believe. What women say and feel are 100% different.

And I have been drinking a little tonight, so I apologize for the long rant / confession.

But that fucking wall man...has hit ALL the women I know right in the fucking face, with a shovel. And so many could have prevented it..by taking care of themselves a little. I know I could catch a hot fucking girl...and in all truth, my wife could still catch a hot guy. She will age well. She is a milf, and WILL BE a milf. That is why I have always wanted it to work out for us...because we have been together since HS, have gone through SO MUCH together, built EVERYTHING together, had a couple kids, and the wall hasn't hit her yet, or if it has..it is slight. Still has a nice body, beautiful face, nice boobs (aren't big, slight droop because of kids but I am not a boob guy) and a sweet ass. Just too many trust issues at this point that makes staying so fucking hard.

Anyways....that wall man. That fucking wall.