There is a field of Psychology that posits that every human being lives in one of three mental states: The Parent, the Adult, and the Child. This was originally put forth by Eric Berne many years ago and has since been built on quite significantly.

Essentially, the belief is that when we are having fun, or care-free, we are the Child. Playing video games, watching a film, having fun with friends - all child-like activities. As the Adult, we are responsible for ourselves. The Adult handles standard exchange conversations while at work, deals with responsibilities - the Adult is simply that - being an Adult. The Parent comes out when dealing with another person and usually is a response to their Child's activities.

The hierarchy is Parent at the top, Adult in the middle, Child at the bottom. The best interactions are Adult - Adult. Parent - Parent interactions tend to cause trouble. Child - Child interactions can too (unless you're both in a fun state of mind and having a blast together). And Parent - Child interactions are a big problem because one side feels picked on while the other feels like a badguy spoiling their fun.

The best way to elaborate on this is with examples.

Say your girlfriend comes around. You're messing around on the couch, tickling each other, laughing, having fun. You're both in the Child frame of mind. Suddenly, your phone rings - it's your boss. There's a problem. You switch to Adult: "Yes Mr Ross. I understand Sir. No, it's not a problem, I will have this dealt with shortly." You and your Boss are having an Adult - Adult exchange.

You turn to your girlfriend and say, "I'm sorry, but work called. A server has just gone into meltdown. I need to fix this urgently." Your girlfriend, still in Child mode, whines "Awwww not againnn! You always do thissss! When are you ever going to find time to spend with meee!"

Your Child response would be, "Oh yeah? Well what about when you ditched me to be with Susan?" Boom, argument. Your Parent response, in a frustrated tone: "Listen honey, you know how important this job is. I can't simply ignore major problems. I've told you this before! If you just wait here, I'll be back in an hour, then we can continue where we left off!" There's a very good chance this will lead to her feeling like a scolded child, which will only elevate the argument, with her whining about how you always do this, and you try to defend yourself and explain why things have to be the way they are.

The correct way to deal with a situation like this is to identify at what stage the other person is in, and bring them back to Adult, using your own Adult. "Jen, I realise this isn't what we planned, but I have responsibilities. You knew this when we got together. Find something on Netflix and I'll be back before you know it." By not doing the Parent accusatory tone, where it sounds like you're talking down to her, hopefully she will respond in an Adult way and say "I understand. I'll see you when you get back." and not whine anymore.

The important thing to remember is that some people are naturally prone to remaining in one state or another. Think back to any whiney ex's you had. Did they spend most of their time as a Child? What about the Ex who was always telling you to get off your ass and find a job, while you sat there playing video games all day; was she being the Parent and you the Child most of the time?

The best relationships are always Adult - Adult, and Child - Child (but only during positive interactions; arguing with a child is pointless). When we say "Maintain Frame", what we mean broadly is to remain Adult. Chewing someone out for a dumb thing they did is Parent and turns them to Child. Moaning about something turns you into a Child.

Think about another exchange: You promise your boss a report on his desk by tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow morning comes and he's yelling for it. Adult You says "We agreed I would complete this by the afternoon, which is what I will do." He suddenly turns parent and says "Well when I hired you I expected you to be able to work under pressure, are you telling me you can't finish a simple report in a few hours when I ask for it?" Suddenly, you turn Parent: "Hey! Don't patronise me! Who the hell do you think you are? I am not your servant, we agreed a time and you'll get it when you get it!" All that happens is two Parents start fighting. If you had simply remained Adult and said, "I understand you're under a lot of pressure. While we agreed this afternoon, I will go back to it right now and aim to have it done within the hour." this argument could have been avoided.

They're only very basic examples of course; real interactions are far more complex than this. You often hear women say, "I'm not your Mother!" That is in response to you being a perceived Child and her taking the Parent role. Women don't want to be the Parent - they want to be the Child. Because they ARE children, essentially. Yes, they can be Adults too, but it's not their preferred state. She likes men who facilitate her Child mindset during her 20s, then she wants a man to facilitate the Parent mindset when she actually has kids.

My point is this: Go back and think about some of the arguments or irritations you've had with people. Try and identify what state of mind you were both in when they happened. Chances are, if you were both Adult - Adult it would have been fine. But one of you slipped into Parent or Child and probably clashed with your "opponent's" Parent or Child.

My Mrs and I get along very well and argue maybe once every 3 months. She is almost permanently set in Adult mode and so am I. We do have fun together but don't tend to linger in Child-mode longer than necessary. The arguments start when one of us turns Parent and the other feels like a scolded Child. It helps me to remember that I am not her Father, nor am I her Son, and that it's my responsibility to lead this to a resolution in a composed way. Losing your shit begets them losing their shit. We used to argue a few times a week before I started looking out for this. Now, as I say, maybe 4 times a year. Be the Adult - don't let them pull you out of that.

Please keep in mind, I'm not saying that this IS a 100% perfect proven theory. I think it is a very good observation by Berne that can be applied in the majority of situations, but I also think more testing of the theory needs to be done, and some human interactions are too complex to simply boil down into 3 absolutes. Still, if this helps you to maintain Frame by bringing your opposition's Parent or Child back to Adult, where they can be reasoned with, then great.