My god, that was some terrible stuff. BP me would have been bored to tears, but thanks to this sub, I couldn't stop laughing or cringing the whole time.
A special reminder to "All the men out there" that rape is wrong. Enumeration of the school's zero-tolerance policy, followed by a reminder that women are special snowflakes who must always be made to feel respected and empowered.
It was funny to watch all the freshman guys move away from the nearest (usually 2-4 out of 10) girl. But most of these guys are Beta/Gamma anyway; no need to push them further down the spectrum.
The University laundry list, including "all non-white cultures are valuable and must be respected above the nasty whiteness that fills this auditorium", "being an unpaid lackey in a psychology lab is as good as or better than an internship in engineering", and "please take a degree that costs $80,000+ without considering whether or not it will matter in the workforce".
Cappy Cap deliver us from the idea that you shouldn't expect payment for services rendered.
Speeches to the effect that private enterprise is neutral-to evil, as opposed to the glory that is VOLUNTEERISM!
"All hail the great American state. My life means nothing. My honor means nothing. I give all I am and all I can become for the glory of the state."
And of course, a guy who took more than six years to graduate with an undergraduate poli-sci degree delivers the speech about how to succeed in the big, bad real world.
Seriously, though, thank you guys for making this long and plodding affair hilarious.