The father you knew wasn’t the man who attracted your mother- attracting a woman is the easy part. You put your best foot forward- you accentuate the positives and hide the negatives; you do everything in your power to embody the fantasy she has of the perfect man. It isn’t an act- this man is someone you’d like to be, and her attraction makes you feel confident in that identity- you strive to be her rock.
But life is hard, and every man will stumble; he’ll feel defeated, he’ll question himself- and he’ll find it increasingly difficult to hide these feelings from his wife. When respect was her responsibility it may have encouraged him to fight, but in the wild west of a post-patriarchy, she’ll more likely resent any sign of weakness. In the dance of mating and courtship, women are those who select, and she’ll be irritated thinking she chose a buffoon. In a world where divorce is an easy escape, she’ll wonder what if.
I remember standing next to the eggs, at the supermarket with my mom, when I was twelve. We ran into my best friend’s mom. She was buying eggs too. They got to chatting, and within a minute or so, she tells my mom that she never wanted to marry my friend’s dad- he was a good guy, but he was boring– he was her back-up plan. Her main choice wasn’t interested, but now she wonders what if. Then we picked out our eggs and went to the check-out.
In all fairness, the guy was seriously boring.
The father you met was a man who had been through a lot- was the mother you had the type to respect him through his struggles, or wonder what if?
[Excerpt from WELCOME TO HELL- available now]
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