I’ll chat about this point with an anecdote rather than a bunch of dry theory, because stories are way more interesting than lectures, and I’m about the farthest thing from a professor on the planet.
Back in my pre-Red Pill days, about once every month or two, my wife would snidely declare to me that I only want her for sex. This insidious and offensive declaration always coincided with the one time every month or two that I would ask for sex. Because we were having sex about once every 1-2 months. The ritual would go that after my attempts at advances and escalation got nowhere for 59 days, I would finally break down and actually talk about sex (because open communication is the key to a great relationship!) That conversation was immediately met with defensive snarking.
How dare I imply, by the mere act of asking for something, that my wife is imperfect? I am a mirror, after all. And every time my wife asked me to do anything, it was never a request. It was a message, always delivered with a choice of tone and words that said: “Why haven’t you done this thing you should have known to do already? Why am I even having to lower myself to ask you to do this at all? You’re not worth a shit.” My wife never asked me to do anything. She accused me of being a loser, under the guise of a polite request, and when confronted about this would always respond, “What? I was just asking you to X. Why are you getting so defensive? Feeling guilty?”
So naturally, whenever I asked my wife for something, no matter how innocently I meant my request, what she heard was a reflection of her own thoughts: “You’re not doing something you should be doing unasked.” And because that statement (which the old, beta me never meant) was 100% true, those unsaid words stung her even more. She knew she was supposed to have sex with her husband and wasn’t, and my asking for sex shone a light on her failings.
Thus, an innocent question from an innocent beta husband provoked an astounding, almost suspicious amount of defensiveness. “We haven’t had sex in two months” was unfailingly met with, “I’m always tired because you never do X, Y and Z and everything you do its always half-assed because you’re such a selfish loser, then I have to do everything myself! And I don’t feel like having sex with a selfish loser! All you ever talk about is sex! You only want me for sex!”
Even beta-me from years ago was taken aback by that statement. Because beta-me was still a highly educated nerd, and as a nerd, he knew that 1 divided by 60 is less than 2 percent of the time, and that words like “all” and “only” used in that context really didn’t apply to something that happened less than 2 percent of the time. Beta-me also understood that going to work every day, making 80% of the family income, cooking every meal, doing the laundry, paying for maid service, and handling a good chunk of the childcare duties made statements such as “I do everything” from his wife seem like a little bit of an exaggeration.
So instead of saying, “No, baby! Don’t say that! I love you for [insert validation here] and it’s not about sex at all! And by the way, I’m a supplicating loser not worthy of respect or fucking, as evidenced by the fact that I don’t even have the balls to stand up to such a blatant falsehood for fear of angering you!” Beta-me said, “Wait a second. I’m pissed off here. Not about you accusing me of wanting sex, because wanting sex is normal. But because you’re essentially calling me an idiot. We never have sex. Like once in forever. If I only want you for sex, then what you’re saying is that I’m so fucking stupid that I don’t realize that we never have sex, and that I’m so fucking out of touch that I think this is normal. Or that I’m such a loser that I think the once in forever that we do have sex is the best I can do. You know what? Forget it. I don’t want to have sex after all.”
Fifteen minutes later, my wife had cooled down and said, “It’s fine. If you want to have sex, we can have sex,” in a very resigned tone of voice, making it clear that she was making a great sacrifice to do me this incredible favor. That got me all pissed off again. I told her to fuck off and that I wasn’t turned on by the idea of having sex with someone who just called me a loser five minutes ago. Not the most “alpha” of replies, but it got the message across. She stormed out of the room, tears in her eyes, slammed the door, and slept on the couch for three or four days after that, thinking she was teaching me a lesson. It was strange, though. I slept really, really well that night. I don’t think I’d ever rejected my wife before. I’d probably never been that honest with her before either. Not really.
While I was typing this bullshit last night, intending to make a more generic point about shit tests, Rollo posted a new article describing the difficulty women experience in separating their worth as a human being from their sexual worth that seemed to at least partially apply here. I say partially because my story illustrates a seeming contradiction. On one hand, rejecting my wife sexually made her feel worthless, not just as a sex object, but as a person. On the other hand, the very thing she accused me of was only valuing her for sex while neglecting her value as a person. However, this contradiction is an illusion if you think about basic Red Pill 101: pay attention to a woman’s behavior, never her words.
“You only want me for sex” is a shit test. Men aren’t supposed to ask for sex. Ever. They’re supposed to just be attractive so that women want to have sex with them, without them having to negotiate for it. The sex is supposed to “just happen.” When a beta husband asks his wife for sex, however innocent the request, what the woman hears is two things: 1) “I am a loser, unworthy of sex;” and 2) “You are sexually failing me.” She responds to both of these statements you unwittingly made in one fell swoop. She doesn’t want to have sex with you, because you’re a loser, so she attempts to shame you for asking by accusing you of not valuing her as a human, only as a sex object. But at the same time, when you indicate that she’s sexually failing you, she experiences this not just as an attack on her value as a sex object, but as an attack on her very value as a person. You indicate that she is failing you sexually, and she responds by defending her personal value, not her sexual value.
Today, whenever my wife screeches that I only want her for sex, I calmly respond that I also appreciate her carting our daughter around and keeping the house clean, so “only” is a bad choice of words. But yes, I definitely want her for sex. She storms off in a huff without fail every time. I then set a reminder in my cell phone to beep at me in 48 hours. Every time we’re having sex, she stops and asks, “What’s that beeping?”