My girlfriend and I been together for 8 months. So a bit about ourselves, I graduated from a top 10 Public University, and I work at a great architecture firm in NYC, as a senior project architect. Because I know people will ask I make in total 135k a year. My girlfriend works as a software developer she went to a decent state school and works at a tech company as an engineer.
When we go out for dates, in the beginning, I used to pay all the time, now we do closer to 60:40. When it comes to salary, she specifically asked, I don't like to have that conversation but hey I thought, if we are going to one day be married than its important to know. When I told her, she got a bit shy about sharing hers, but I didn't mind. And my girlfriend prides herself on being a feminist so I didn't think anything of it. I thought she was worried she was going to embarrass me but I didn't care.
This is how things went down, I was in the living room working out, and she was on the phone with her sister. I was doing pushups and wasn't paying attention but it went like this. Her sister was going to leave DC to come to NYC, and she was like oh don't want to come to NYC. That dating here is a hellhole, this is when I started listening, and she said that she has to date down. She said "my name" is a sweet guy, but he doesn't do that well, he "only makes 130k I am surprised he wasn't living with roommates.." She went into other parts and then mentioned this isn't what she envisioned with life.
After she got off the phone I confronted her. First of all she gets angry for me saying that she deserves privacy. And I told her that was bs, that she talks about being open so let's talk. This thing is massively summarized we talked for over 6 hours and resulted in me leaving for my cousin's apartment.
Long story short: she told me that she loved me is happy with me. She then says its just that if I am going to judge you by 'societal norms' that we all know is out there that I am not doing that well. I got angry about all of this. I told her that I am doing great in my field, that her field pays more but that doesn't make her better than me. And that my title is much higher than her's that I actually manage a team of 10.
She starts going off on how computer science brings in a lot more talented people. But it doesn't matter that she doesn't want to have this conversation because it's hurting my male EGO.
I got angry and told her that my EGO is just fine, that being talked down to is fucked up. This leads to more back and forth. And then if she wants to compare me by 'societal standards for men', then I will compare her to societal standards for 'women.' That she isn't a catch by any means that does anyone really want a 30+ year old girlfriend. She starts crying and insulting me more. Says that "she gave me a shot" and that I treat her like this?
I got even angrier and after this I just left. I don't know what to say. I am okay with dating a woman that makes more than me. Really I don't mind. But I hate that she thinks she is smarter/dating down being with me? That's messed up. Also too in our conversation she compared me to some of her ex's that had more money than me. And I can understand that if a girl is used to a guy paying for everything it can be a bit change of pace. I get that, look, I wish I made enough to where I could pay the bill without blinking. I wish I could. And I hope to one day. But the catch is these guys didn't even date date her. They hooked up a couple of times and they might have taken her to a couple of fancy restaurants. They weren't official.
I am sorry if this came off ranty. This fight happened yesterday. I am still in my cousin's apartment. My girlfriend has called me a couple of times and I haven't picked up. I don't know what to do. I feel like even if she does apologize, intrinsically she might just believe that I am inferior and she has to 'settle.' She might just say some things to stroke my ego and that's it.
At this point is this relationship basically dead? Is it even worth salvaging at this point? I know I said some mean things too, and if she was to apologize I would as well. I don't want to put anyone down, but at the same time the thought that she was being snobbish and looking down on me for my financial situation just really irks me. What do you guys suggest I do?
Tl;Dr- my girlfriend and I had a fight about money. She was talking to her younger sister about dating and basically said that she is dating down being with me because she makes more money than me. We got into a really big fight and now I am at my cousin's apartment.