Butter Mug. What's on your mind?

I'm an awesome woman

Yeah, I will be the judge of that. But wit a face like yours, you might want to elaborate a bit.

With

Did you just spell shame me!?

So tell us, what do you bring to the table in a relationship.

children

I didn't mean the DRAWBACKS!

Add that to your nose and droopy milk bags, and you have like 230 pounds of nope going on right there.

And I NEED an awesome man

Don't we all sweetie. Don't we all. (no homo!)

Are you

Homo? Nah, I just like raunchy inappropriate humor.

So what are you looking for. Like the number one thing. GO!

A single dad

Ahhh! I get it. If you land a single dad, then he cannot hold any moral high ground with you. Nice move!

Damn woman. That nose is just distracting. I don't want to be mean, but can't you get surgery for that thing?

Speaking of which, Have you ever had surgery before?

vasectomy

WHAAAAT!!!!!!????

Wait. Are you really, a, you know - one of those? Because if you check back with me after about 8pm tonight, after I have had a glass or two of bourbon, I will be down to, ahem, talk - if you catch my drift.

I am nothing if not adventurous.

is a major plus

Yeah. But it gets me in trouble from time to time....

Anyhoo. Next question. How do you like your coffee?

Emotionally available

Uh, what?

What is your favorite drink?

Endlessly empathetic

Never heard of it. Is that like a Tequila Sunrise? I prefer Sex on the Beach. Not the drink. I just like banging on the beach.

What do you look for in a good female friend?

Must love cats

Well, that makes sense for your long term future. Good strategic thinking.

I actually have a cat. She is black.

non racist

Is that like the racial version of "no homo" or something?

What do you like about your cat?

non gun enthusiast

Hmmm. Now that you mention it, that could be a problem.

I had a talking parrot once and he turned out to be a Communist. That's how I came to despise Bernie Sanders. Sounded just like him. "Polly. Want. A CRACKAH. Mistuh one puhcent."

I hated that little fucker.

Anyways, moving along...

If we went on a date, what's the first thing you would say to me after "hello"?

love family time and only care about you and your children

HOLY HANNAH! No red flags there....

Why would any reasonable man stay with you after saying such a creepy thing?

having awesome people in their lives?

Yeah. Well, I would rather raw dog a butt ugly psychopathic single mom with zero self esteem in a Shake Shack bathroom stall...

Then I'm your girl!

Well. Hey now.

Ah screw it. It's five o clock somewhere...

Text me - (555) 867-5309.


Thanks to /u/goodmansaysfuckyou for the original