sigh Okay. Let's do this.

What's your name woman.

Home owner

Yeah. Whatever. Cuntageous suits you better.

So What is a 23 year old tatted tramp with a swaller collar trying to prove here? (Did I just answer my own question?)

Can keep a plant alive

Well, I am pretty sure you do that by watering and talking to them. Not come across like a MAJOR cunt.

AND a mini human

Are you a little person?

Not a regular mom

Ok. Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean. Why do trampy women always seem to interject the most random shit in their profiles? To show that they are....

A cool mom

WTF does that even mean?

Look. Let's cut to the chase. That swaller collar indicates that you do what I need you for, so let's exchange numbers and get this moving along.

I definitely won't remember to message you first

Stop taking drugs and you just might.

Also, I will need more photos. A lot of women show pics of themselves from two years ago. Then you meet them and it's like they lost a personal war with cookies and meth.

Tinder keeps removing picks of me

Yeah. Nice try.

Well, I can show you some pics. What sorts of pics of me would you like to see?

blasting douchebags in their natural habitat

Well, I usually don't take such photos, but after I am done with you, I will be happy to oblige!

If you agree to that, then let me know your terms and we can get this party started!

But just know not to be a giant piece of garbage

Perfect. It's a deal then. We will meet up at the truck stop (your natural habitat), I will blast your douchy face and take photos for you, and I promise to not be a giant piece of garbage.

But I cannot promise I will be nice.

Thanks to /u/cdballer for the original.