If you head over and lurk at deadbedrooms, datingoverthirty, sexover30, adultery, divorce and others - you'll find many discussions, opinions and perspectives on the dynamics of the DB (dead bedroom). Occasionally, people will share these things IRL but due to its embarrassing nature, it's mostly shared online.

Over the years, I observed many such heartbreaking posts and the many - often passionate - comments that follow. I'm here to share my general observations. Yes, there are some exceptions, but what I'm about to share seems to be generally true whether the story is shared by the man or the woman, the HL or the LL (high libido, low libido).

Early beginnings and NRE

A young man and young woman meet and start a relationship. They fall in love (lol) and are infatuated with each other. They fuck like bunnies. Sometimes they go at it 3 times in succession, sometimes they do it every day + twice a day on the weekends. They're having fun, they're happy, they're loving life and loving each other.

Then “it” happens. They move in together, they get married, they had their first, second or third child, they got into their first, fifth or tenth nasty fight. Someone died, a house was bought, work became long and repetitive. Something happened and her mood for sex began to wane. The NRE (new relationship energy) has run its course and worn off.

The warm home analogy

In a recent post, I wrote about the warm home analogy, for the purposes of this post, I'll assume you read that post.

There's an old saying - men marry hoping she'll never change, women marry hoping he will. There's a lot of truth in this saying, especially with regards to sexual desire. A man provides the solid structure and consistency, including consistent sexual desire. When he vows to love her forever, he means it. He'll keep on loving her and listing for her even as her body changes due to pregnancy and birth, stress and aging etc.

Not so with her. She's the fire, the element of warmth in the warm home analogy. Her fire needs fuel. Without fuel, her flame goes cold. Unfortunately, the stability of mundane life is incredibly boring and her flame may begin to run low. The mundane is certainly not exciting.

Furthermore, she may be distracted or overwhelmed by the pressures of life, she may suddenly have other priorities that come before you and she may feel touched out by the baby and not have anything left for you.

The poor husband's love and desire for his wife has not wavered at all, not one iota. His wife says she desires him as much as ever, she may even vehemently insist, but her actions tell a different story. Her actions tell him in no uncertain terms - I'm avoiding you like the plague.

Problem solving man

As men, we like to solve problems. The problem of a dying or dead bedroom is no different. When faced with this problem, the first thing we fall back to is our indoctrination to communicate. Because communication is key for a good marriage. Right boys?

So the poor husband talks to his wife. He tells her how he feels. That he loves her so much and desires her and wishes that she desired him too. Instead of compassion, apologies and an effort to change - he's shocked and saddened when she lashes out at him.

Can't you see how much is on my plate? I'm touched out by the baby and haven't slept normally since s/he was born and I'm supposed to be in the mood for sex? All you want is sex, you one track minded pervert. My body is gross after giving birth. I didn't shower, I stink. Maybe try connecting with me the person and I'll be more in the mood of sex.

And so the poor husband hears this list of problems and takes to trying to fix them. He does his best to take stuff off her plate and to take care of the kids so she can sleep. He spends more quality time with her so she won't think he's only after sex and he compliments her body and how she's as sexy as ever to him. He expresses desire for her even if she stinks and he tries his best to create that emotional connection that she said is a prerequisite for sex.

In short - he got busy adding more stability to her life, but sadly, stability does not create a fire. Stability does not ignite the sexual passion. Everything just gets worse and now - in addition to less/no sex, he also feels used because of the one sided nature of his marriage. He's bending over backwards to make her life great and she can't be bothered to make love to him because she's too tired or just not in the mood.

Furthermore, all his efforts result in her losing respect for him. Truth is, she should feel so grateful that he's so good to her. In reality, the more good to her he is, the more she takes him for granted. Then, to add insult to injury, the nagging and criticizing begins.

Enough is enough

One of the key differences between male and female sexual desire is - men find all women sexually appealing except for the ones who are a turnoff. Women find all men sexually unappealing except for the ones that are a turn on.

Over the years, the slight weight gain, the saggy boobs, the stretch marks etc did not diminish his sexual desire for her. He committed to her for life and he found her sexually appealing each and every day. But that nagging, that criticizing, that humiliation, that she didn't believe in him or trust him…. Yea, all those little jabs were the ten thousand wounds that chipped away at his sexual desire for her. At first, he plowed ahead anyway while still trying to communicate the seriousness of the situation to her for the thousandth time without issuing threats. When his pleas continued to fall on deaf ears, eventually he loses interest in her. Some men lose interest altogether, other will still acquiesce when she asks for it. He stops begging, he stops asking, he makes no moves on her at all. He finally gives her what she said she wanted him to do.

Devastation

She's devastated. She wakes up one morning horny as hell. Who can even remember when the last time was they had sex. She reaches over to her horndog and places her hand on his dick. In his sleep, he swats her away. She's upset but writes it off as him just being sleepy.

That day, she does her best to bump into him, cuddle up to him, bend over in front of him and to wear more revealing clothing. But her horndog hardly even looks at her.

That night, she goes to bed completely naked and starts rubbing up against him. This used to set him on fire, but now he sometimes just turns away and sometimes they have sex but he isn't all that passionate about her. She's devastated. Absolutely devastated and can't understand what happened.

Finally, she looks online for answers. She joins deadbedrooms, sexover30 and other such subs. She pours out her horrific story of how her husband won't touch her anymore. She gets way more sympathy than the dozen men who posted the same thing within the last few days. Some people tell her to divorce the bastard and that she deserves better than such as abusive asshole.

But sometimes, somewhere in the most downvoted comments, someone starts asking real questions. Questions about how they got there. How the marriage fell so far from the passionate grace of yore. Some of these women are self aware enough to admit that they sexually rejected their husbands for years or even decades, others only admit to it “between the lines”.

This story that I shared with you today is the story of almost every HLF who's just trying everything and but her husband just turns the other way and isn't interested in her anymore. The specifics may vary, but the general story is almost always the same. There are exceptions such as the men who were abusive to begin with, who were players all along and who never loved their wives (etc). That women choose poorly is covered often on this sub and isn't the topic here. I speak here about those who chose wisely and ruined a wonderful thing that they had going. Sometimes there's still hope to fix things, sometimes it's gone forever and he'll leave as soon as the kids are old enough.

This my friends, is the story of the mythical HL wife who will love you, desire you, appreciate you, admire you, reciprocate to you and practically worship you with great passion and fervor, forever and ever amen! A wise woman will study and become the best wife she can possibly be and this is the purpose of RPW. However, most women are not interested in any of this.

Then they wonder - where are all the good men?

Cheers!