We got into a blow up fight over a week ago over affection differences.. it spiraled and we were drunk. I didn't like that he rolled over right after sleeping together... he blew up at me.
He hasn't tried to resolve anything with me since - only saying we both need to think about what we want from a relationship. I've tried twice now to ask where he stands and he's been ignoring me.
What's that mean?
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Tell yourself he has another girl, everytime you think about him just repeat that over and over. Stop thinking about him, but if you can't- remember he has another girl
Dude ain't dropping easy sex unless he has another one on the line
That's why he doesn't want to talk, he has nothing to resolve
He doesn't think twice about you
Also repeat that in your head when he comes to your mind (bc he really is not thinking about you)
These are two mantras that helped me when my fiance of a 6 year relationship GHOSTED me
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[–]Delishtise1 points [recovered] (9 children) | Copy Link
Like all others have said here, I think the best thing would be for you not to see this man anymore. When countless others have pointed out that he’s intentionally pulling a power trip on you/wants to hurt you mentally & emotionally and you are still concerned with his actions AND are blaming yourself... you need to take a deep breath and step back from it. Ideally, permanently with this one.
Sure, you’ve only been seeing him for a couple months and look how this incident has made you feel. How will it feel for you when he does it again at 6 months? 8 months? 2 years? And yes.
Yes. It will happen again.
Yes. It will hurt more each time because of the sunk cost fallacy.
And yes. It will be a complete waste of your time. And that regret, the feeling of time and emotion wasted, is much worse than the regret of whatever you said to him or however you’ve decided you’re “to blame” for this.
I really recommend that you stop dating for a long while. Completely. You mentioned that you’re already in therapy. Discuss a game plan for this “break.” But do really consider doing it.
All of this energy and anguish you feel can be mitigated. You can build yourself up to be strong and not choose these kinds of men anymore. But herein lies the rub...
When you have things you need to work on, wounds you need to heal, you gotta walk that path alone at some point. Otherwise, everything someone else does is just going to set you back. You can’t learn how to cope/heal if you’re constantly hitting yourself in the knees with men like this.
Even if he isn’t ghosting you and he pops up again (he will, I speak from experience, and it’s not a compliment on his end)
Save yourself the time and the pain and the regret and ghost him.
[–]Lalaland_92[S] 0 points1 point2 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]Delishtise1 points [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
You just have to deal with it. Take deep breaths. Have a bad week or a bad month. But you’ll get through it. Delete his number. Do not engage with him anymore. Grieve.
Life hurts sometimes.
I was in your position once before and that’s the only thing I could do. Deal with the pain. Stop driving myself crazy by analyzing everything.
Recognize that I WANTED to blame myself because back then I wanted reasons to feel bad about myself. I didn’t love myself very much and it was apparent in the way I let men treat me.
I had to sit in the pain. Accept that no answer was an answer. I stopped dating. I worked at having compassion for myself. And I slowly built a new life. One where I loved me wholly and completely, more than any man ever could.
And the very first step in doing that, for future you, is to WANT to love yourself enough (you don’t have to love yourself yet) to hang up the “self blame” and the “maybe I ruined everything by being this way! Or doing this!”
And realize that you have to choose the pain to get through the pain. And I mean also in not dating. If that scares you too, then I suggest (again) that you lean into that fear and choose it.
He’s garbage. It has nothing to do with you. Wasting 2 months of your life is much less pain than wasting 6 months or 2 years.
[–]Lalaland_92[S] 0 points1 point2 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]Delishtise1 points [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
You need to really let go of this. The comments throughout this post are the same.
“It’s hard for me to process the fact that he doesn’t think I even deserve a response.”
Ok. So what? Who is he???? It’s really sad that you’ve decided HIS opinion (or lack of one) is more important than your own.
What do YOU think about someone who you were intimate with who didn’t respond to you? “Deserving” doesn’t factor into it. That’s your (probable) abandonment wound speaking.
You are seeking approval (and that’s what it is, because you keep going on about how you aren’t WORTH a response to him) from someone who sucks. He will never change or be better. And he’s not going to have success with any other woman, not really.
Other people are NEVER going to be able to provide anything for you. Call it clarity / closure etc. None of that will come from him or anyone else. It can only come from you.
Stop thinking you need anything from HIM to move on. You don’t. And you don’t get it. Even if you did, it wouldn’t “help you move on one way or another.”
Harsh truth is that you gotta put your big girl pants on and find closure without hyper focusing on “deserving” anything from someone who is garbage. Men suck.
You should not be dating. If you were dating from a healthy place, this wouldn’t have happened.
You live and you learn.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
He’s shown you. Stop making it about your “worth” and see it for what it is: not worth even the energy to reply to all these advice posts with the same comments about deserving / wanting closure and how could he do this to you.
Face the pain. You’re capable.
[–]Lalaland_92[S] 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Delishtise1 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
People who are healthy (healed, active in their hobbies and building their own lives, enforcing good boundaries, stable sense of self /self worth etc. AKA HVW) attract healthy partners.
See: the FDS handbook for a guide/examples on how to become this kind of woman. As well as a multitude of secondary resources.
HVW will also still deal with men like this BUT they don’t let it get this far. They see the red flags immediately and don’t engage.
If you read through FDS, all women there have been in some kind of situation that really hurt them / was a “final straw.” And that’s how they came to FDS and began to get healthier / find support etc.
As I said before, you have a (probable) abandonment wound that’s obvious from your post and the replies. Again, as SO MANY OTHERS have said to you, you will need to heal that or you’ll keep getting into the same situations.
Best of luck!
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