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Another rant: Do I have a narcissist on my hands? If so, how do I proceed?

March 3, 2021
1 upvotes

I’m 24 and have been dating a man 14 years my senior since September, and I’m beginning to suspect that he is a narcissist.

He is a very intellectually inclined man which has been the biggest draw for me. His great intellectualism and superb writing skills have lead him to some acclaim as a journalist. In fact, he works for one of the biggest networks in television producing news content. However, he often seems restless and dissatisfied with his current position. His only been working in his current position for a little over a year and a half, but he seems desperate to give it up and explore “bigger and better things.” Namely, he is overly obsessed with doing journalistic work in South America and Africa; sometimes it is all he can talk about, and it doesn’t seem to be for any clear altruistic reasons just selfish reasons mostly. It seems pretty absurd that one would risk a steady network television job with benefits to travel for an undetermined amount of time in the midst of a pandemic with the expectation that jobs will be available for him when he returns to the U.S. The more I’m thinking about it the more I’m realizing that he is out of touch with reality. Not to mention the emotionally distance is really crazy. We can have such a great time together when emotions are not involved and times aren’t tough; but he seems to completely shut down when it comes time to discuss my emotions. Nevertheless, when it comes time to discuss his hardships I’m all ears.

For example, 3 weeks ago my mother was hospitalized with COVID and suffered a psychiatric episode during her extended hospital stay and I was so worried about her well being, particularly since she lives on the opposite coast. Also I was trying to get through my college final exams at the same time. As a result, I had an emotional breakdown in front of him and he could hardly touch me and gave me a pitiful pat on the back then proceeded to go into the kitchen to wash dishes. Like what the hell? Then when I returned to my apartment that evening he sends a message about how he enjoys my company, blah blah blah...like why not just engage with me emotionally when I’m in front of you?

Up until that point I really felt that we were growing closer emotionally, as we went through a very difficult lose of pregnancy a couple months prior. In fact, he paid for all my medical expenses related and he stayed by my side for several days afterwards when I was recovering. He seemed very concerned about my physical health, but it seemed he couldn’t really manage to discuss my emotional health in depth. I felt hurt that he was discussing my situation in depth with family and friends but he couldn’t seem to discuss the situation we were going through in depth with me; and he ensured to refer to me as a “friend” to his family when discussing the situation. A friend? Really? I forgave all of this because I figured it was just emotionally overwhelming for him but now I’m just really starting to think there is a real dark nature about him.

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Post Information
Title Another rant: Do I have a narcissist on my hands? If so, how do I proceed?
Author SignificantCap8064
Upvotes 1
Comments 10
Date March 3, 2021 10:24 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/another-rant-do-i-have-a-narcissist-on-my-hands-if.792453
https://theredarchive.com/post/792453
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/lx5zf1/another_rant_do_i_have_a_narcissist_on_my_hands/
Comments

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You end the relationship. He preyed on you. You have already posted about how he’s completely ruined your self esteem, about how he spends hours on Instagram, about this grown man with posters of his favorite porn stars on his wall.

Please don’t lie to yourself and put this man on a pedestal when just yesterday you were asking for help in getting your confidence back.

He is using you for sex and emotional labor and providing next to no benefit in return. He makes you feel insecure, he doesn’t care about your emotions, his supposed intellectualism is wasted if all he does is talk and not listen. He thrives on attention, he’s self centered, and he’s doing the BARE MINIMUM after a pregnancy issue to support you.

I’m saying this with as much love as I can muster, until you can end this incredibly toxic, emotionally abusive relationship, you will never heal.

[–]ENFP_Canadian 18 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Didn't read past the part about the 14 year age gap. Do not proceed.

[–]Summerisle7FDS Specialist 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Was just about to say this. I stopped reading right there. Doesn't matter if this guy has a NDP diagnosis or what. The relationship is a huge mistake regardless.

[–]dollymyfolly 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same. I don’t need to know anything else.

[–]ShegoGreen 12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Red Flags:

- Irrational career decisions

- Emotionally unavailable

- Only refers to you has a friend even after he got you pregnant

- Gets praised for doing the bare minimum

- You forgive toxic behavior at your own expense

Moments where I was rolling my eyes while reading this:

  1. "Not to mention the emotionally distance is really crazy. We can have such a great time together when emotions are not involved and times aren’t tough; but he seems to completely shut down when it comes time to discuss my emotions. Nevertheless, when it comes time to discuss his hardships I’m all ears."

You have a great time with him when the topics aren't emotion-related because you're accommodating his lack of emotional availability. He isn't accommodating you or even trying at all. My aunt constantly did this for my uncle. I saw her pain for so many years. After the divorce was finalized, she told me she felt an incredible amount of relief because she no longer had to walk on eggshells for him because he could not handle anything emotional. He also used this to manipulate her. It's not you'r fault he's emotionally stunted.

You aren't responsible for helping him grow into a well-rounded human being who's in touch with their emotions. Please do not end up like my aunt because that's where your relationship is heading. The fact that you're there for him emotionally but he's not there for you, shows me that there's a huge lack of respect. You are a whole human being with happiness, confusion, pain, etc. And you deserve your emotions to be heard and validated. That is vital for a relationship to flourish. Yet he puts himself before you, it's all take take take with him. Please wake up to the reality that you are being used. You should always have certain uncompromisable standards that you do not bend on PRIOR to getting into a relationship.

  1. "Up until that point I really felt that we were growing closer emotionally, as we went through a very difficult lose of pregnancy a couple months prior."

Here's the key: YOU thought you were growing closer, not him. He never even tried. But I bet you did. And wow. I don't even know what to say. He doesn't respect you, care about your emotions (because he clear issues with his own emotions), refers to you only as a friend, and you were about to let him father your child? I don't even mean to be disrespectful but you deserve so much better. Seriously, you deserve so much better. YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD AND HE REFERRED TO YOU AS A FRIEND. That is beyond disrespectful to you and your relationship. Do you see how little he even values your relationship?

  1. "In fact, he paid for all my medical expenses related and he stayed by my side for several days afterwards when I was recovering."

Okay, so he did the bare minimum, and? Where are your standards? Duh he should pay for everything. You're carrying his child! Please do yourself a favor and raise your freaking standards. Seriously, my blood is boiling.

  1. "I forgave all of this because I figured it was just emotionally overwhelming for him but now emotionally overwhelming."

Only accept apologies in the form of changed behavior. "Emotionally overwhelming," is he five years old? You aren't responsible for raising a man and playing build-a-man workshop. You are an adult woman who deserves a mature adult high value man.

  1. "I’m just really starting to think there is a real dark nature about him."

Starting? Are you serious. I could see an incredibly low value man just by reading this in five minutes and I'm a complete stranger. Never get pregnant by a man who values you so little.

I highly recommend breaking it off. For me, the relationship is clearly beyond repair. Stop trying to make excuses for him like you've been doing all of this time. Stop wasting your life. And don't let him gaslight or aggressively manipulate you.

On another note, I need you to seriously consider what I wrote and act on it. Do not make excuses for this man. You are a precious jewel and I want you to recognize that. A beautiful woman like you is priceless. No really I'm serious, there will never be another you with the same beauty and potential. Therefore, you are priceless.

I'm sorry about the loss of your child. Words cannot express how sad I feel for you. I know that it's a grieving process.

Personally, I go on this sub to rant. But my real level up journey started when I started fixing my relationship with God. That was a process. I also really like this instagram account that offers very good quality advice. The owner of the account is a HV woman who married a man worth 50 million. She teaches women to set high standards and be effective every area of life. She stresses the importance of making a list of what you want out of a partner. Please read through her content. Her insta stories are also really good.

https://www.instagram.com/hypergamyher/

Therapist:

https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for taking the time to offer me some clarity and tough love. It hurts to know that there was never any true care or respect for me as a human being or partner; but I has been a lesson well learned. It may take me a long while to trust a potential partner again, as having back to back encounters with LVM has made me very cynical about love and romance. Anyhow, I suppose that this is a sign that I should spend the rest of my twenties excelling in my studies, career, hobbies, and friendships rather than chasing affection. I suppose it will come when I am most secure in myself and my station in life.

[–]ShegoGreen 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I understand that it must have been very traumatizing and emotional to endure all that you have over the past years. Don't be too hard on yourself, because every lesson learned can be utilized and applied to future decision-making, therefore, nothing is a loss and nothing is set in stone. You aren't a failure and you deserve love. God loves you too :) "...I suppose it will come when I am most secure in myself and my station in life." I completely agree with this statement. It doesn't mean that there aren't good men out there, there are tons. But as a YouTuber I listen to said, "quality attracts quality." Many people rush back into relationships in order to forget the last one but it would be beneficial to take it slow as you said. Feel free to take a look at the links I put in the previous comment I wrote.

[–]EveSerpentFDS Specialist 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He’s way too old for you. Drop him.

As for calling you a friend, I started doing this with an ex before I broke up with him. I just couldn’t see him as a boyfriend anymore, and it took some time to end it. There’s a reason this old guy‘s doing it with you too. That’s what he sees you as AT BEST. I certainly didn’t see my ex as a friend, he was far less than that, but it was a socially acceptable way to refer to him when I had to.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ugh makes my blood boil. Hoping I can eventually find a man that won’t just see me as a therapeutic tool of masturbation and will make an effort to love and appreciate me; the way I have loved and appreciated them.

[–]Bacheegs 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Knowing narcissism, none of what you said sounds like it. Just because someone isn’t a narcissist doesn’t mean they aren’t awful. He seems emotionally stunted, maybe avoidant attachment style, but huge red flags regardless.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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