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Are there FDS rules for OLD? I might have missed them

June 22, 2021
55 upvotes

I’m wondering about things like: Who contacts who first after you match?

If I end the chat for the day, do I wait for them to initiate next time or do I initiate since I stoped?

How long/what qualifies as moving from app to phone call/text? Who makes that suggestion , me or them?

Who initiates meeting up/dates, always them?

I’m new back on here after a divorce and then a serious 3 year relationship. Took the last 9 months to do a lot of work, therapy, etc to address and acknowledge my codependency, abandonment, scarcity/abundance issues. I’m really only the apps now to test it all out. Catch my triggers, discover and enforce boundaries, check for any pick me behavior. So any rules or guidelines or advice is helpful!

I’m already limiting the time I spend on the apps and limiting the interactions, always trying to be first to end the convo, trying to weed out anything I did or went for in my last relationship.

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Post Information
Title Are there FDS rules for OLD? I might have missed them
Author Foomama48
Upvotes 55
Comments 17
Date June 22, 2021 12:43 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/are-there-fds-rules-for-old-i-might-have-missed.791736
https://theredarchive.com/post/791736
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/o5a36e/are_there_fds_rules_for_old_i_might_have_missed/
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Comments

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 40 points41 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

There isn't a step by step guide because every single person, on both sides, is an individual who will come to the table with different expectations, values, and qualities. I recommend starting with the FAQ's from the main subreddit (some of those answers lead to additional posts).

There is also the Security PSA regarding internet usage in general. A post on common LVM tactics which many men employ online. Red flags in f-boys also.

Also this post about the media a man consumes is helpful for gauging them during the getting to know you stage.

In general I would just advise you to be absolutely ruthless. There are like 6-10 men for every woman on a dating app, and you need to preserve your mental and emotional energy. Don't let yourself get hung up on one person. Any sign of negging, disrespect, or disinterest is a drop. True HVM are highly unlikely to be looking for a long term partner on dating apps.

[–]Foomama48[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, I’ll check out the links :)

[–]Extreme-Vermicelli 86 points87 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

FDS rules on OLD:

  1. Don't

The end

[–]she_is_munchkins 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I remember during peak pandemic we had a few members sharing their OD tips. Usually they would vet the guy first by his texts, then within a week he must at least initiate a video chat or face to face meeting (you don't text forever). Personally my aim would be to move things from online to real communication (calls and dates), but he needs to initiate this progression. If not, I delete and move on. I havent done OD in a while but that was my general rule.

Obviously be safe - meet in a public space, tell people where you're going and with who, share his picture and details with your friends/family just in case something happens, etc.

[–]Foomama48[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes I know the pitfalls of the apps, like I said I’m on them now to test out things I’m working on in therapy, see how I am with boundaries and triggers. I haven’t dated in the real world in about 20 years, after my divorce I met my ex fairly quickly and easily - both of which were huge red flags but that’s a whole different post. I’m just dipping a toe in the water with no expectations while trying to use FDS as a guide. I’m hoping for practical tips that people use beyond just don’t do it, I’m not hoping to meet anything serious, just trying to practice being part of the dating world again in whatever ways are available at the moment.

[–]heliodrome 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

When I started following FDS I thought getting off OLD was in the handbook. My advice is get off OLD and keep working on you. You won’t be disappointed. But you will most certainly be disappointed with OLD.

[–]Foomama48[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I’m not actually trying to meet anyone OLD, I’m practicing boundaries and things I’m working on in therapy. I have zero expectations, it’s me testing myself out and practicing. I’m still very much working on myself, this is just a small part. I won’t know how much progress I’be made until I challenge myself and my boundaries, and this is a part of that.

[–]heliodrome 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I disagree. I think you’re exposing yourself to a lot of toxic behavior that in the end it will not have been worth it. And having been in your shoes, you have probably made progress, but you will get hit with the same lows than before. You may bounce back faster, but still? Why expose yourself now? What is it that being on a dating app will help your boundaries? It won’t. It will set you back. True story.

[–]Foomama48[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Ok, thank you for your advice. I’ll think about it.

[–]heliodrome 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I think I was also about 9 months out of a relationship, when I went on a dating app and I met another avoidant, who was messing with me and I literally had to get on antidepressants again. Then after I was off OLD for a year and started dating someone in real life, and it was another fiasco. I had to up my AD dose again. So it’s been a destabilizing nightmare.

If abandonment and codependency are issues you’re working on, stay away from relationships and dating and dating apps for a good three years, would be my advice.

[–]Foomama48[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m sorry you went through all of that, you don’t deserve that kind of hurt. I am absolutely cautious- that may even be an understatement, and will think about all of this.thank you for the support, I wish you healing and happiness, you deserve it!

[–]heliodrome 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you so much and thank you for your compassion. As a codependent and someone with abandonment issues I take relationships and heartbreak much harder than a regular healthy person. As a matter of fact right before I dated the last guy I was pretty much healed of abandonment issues, they didn’t exist at all and I was happy. I was doing really well and the relationship triggered me and brought me back to square one, all with two years of therapy and all.

[–]Foomama48[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s not easy, constant work to be aware and trying not to get caught up. Wondering how “normal” people can do this and feeling bad for it being such a struggle. But that’s what therapy and support and this group is for, none of us are in it alone :)

[–]AimiHanibal 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

As with real life dating, it should be the guy that always initiates. Moving from app to call/text should take couple of days imo (or as long as you’re comfortable with). But yeah, best is to avoid datin apps as most men using them are trash.

[–]Extreme-Vermicelli 16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have to disagree about calling/texting. Someone isn't going to get my number if I haven't met them yet. But that's just me.

[–]AimiHanibal 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, ofc. I meant more like moving to another app (like LINE, Whatsapp, etc.) not giving them your real number. Is this why I’m getting downvoted or bcs FDS doesn’t support dating apps in general?

[–]Extreme-Vermicelli 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not sure. But with those apps, you risk getting dick pics 🍤 and don't have the ability to report someone if they start sending abusive messages

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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