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Being a simp in your Pickmeism?

May 2, 2021
59 upvotes

Shower thought revelation here: But did anyone else have zero boundaries in their version of Pickmeism?

I realized when I reflect back on my better, but still LV dating decisions as I got older, one thing was common: once I realized that I was attached to them and wanted them around, I literally had no boundaries with men. Want to come over every single day even though I have stuff to do? Okay! Can I convince you to stay the night even though you said you need to wake up early in the morning? Please do! I'll make it worth your while!

In the moment, I really don't want them to go and genuinely want to keep spending time with them because I'm that excited and/or elated to be around them. Of course, privately, I kick myself in the pants because once they're gone I am exhausted and behind on my own life stuff. I really enjoy my "Me" time and like to recharge by myself. Despite that, I'm deathly afraid of setting boundaries with them because I used to feel like a 'B' or like I was rejecting them. This does not happen in a dynamic where the guy is super into me and I'm not as into him.

Even if the dude I really like was ok with setting and keeping boundaries (a couple of times I did bring it up to them how it affected me), I felt like I had to "show" him how much I wanted him around by just constantly being available to him. So I would go against my own concern! It was hard to pull back and make myself less available without feeling like I'm playing games. This got better over time, though even with my last ex, it showed up with me still having loose boundaries when it came to poor treatment from his mother, for example. So I was saying "I am uncomfortable with how your mother treats me. I don't feel comfortable being around her." but at the same time saying "Well I have to show you I'm a good girlfriend so I'll put up with her abuse because I love you."

*In Cardi B voice* WHAT WAS THE REASON?!

I find that my brand of "love" means there's no boundaries with the people I care for. I literally want to give you everything and do everything I can for you so you know I just adore you and I am devoted. If they say "do this" I will do it or would try to bend myself in whatever ways to make it happen. Of course, over time, I start to feel resentful of them because of course I feel taken advantage of... and it's not like they're saying "please stop." At the same time, I'm largely responsible for that dynamic.

When I try to pull back on it, the dynamic/relationship starts to break down because I'm generally disillusioned, exhausted and resentful while my partner is like "Well, whatever." It's hard to get out of that or figure out if it's me or him or just cut bait and go.

Has anyone else been in the same position?

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Post Information
Title Being a simp in your Pickmeism?
Author dancedancedance83
Upvotes 59
Comments 11
Date May 2, 2021 4:53 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/being-a-simp-in-your-pickmeism.792074
https://theredarchive.com/post/792074
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/n2zdzk/being_a_simp_in_your_pickmeism/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️.

When I like someone, I gave way too much, all in, without ever establishing my boundaries.

"All or nothing" = 100% my energy to give give give.

No joke, I felt I can be 'unconditional'.

Well no. It's a fairy tale not to mention unhealthy.

In order to give, you must be able to ask and take

Learnt the hard way.

[–]dancedancedance83[S] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I felt that! I also tend to be all or nothing too, it's a trait that is familiar and also exhausting. How did you learn the hard way? What helped you get out of that unhealthy type of love habit? Do you find you are in healthier dynamics?

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Noticing the pattern via lots of self contemplation.

From marriage to dates last year.

All in. And expecting the same in return.

Never expressed my needs & boundaries.

I was delusional.

If I have no needs I'm not human 😦

Not dating atm as I have myself to take care first :)

How's your journey so far?

[–]dancedancedance83[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, I think it's subtle acting out "If I have no needs I am not human." Some people are raised to think that having needs makes them a "bother" or whatever. It's my second year not dating. I am looking to tackle this particular issue more.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well done you🤞🏽

Yup. Having wants and needs are all what makes us humans.

I think the stating it explicitly what really threw me off for fear being called 'high maintenance'.

Sure enough. I got called that and I dropped him pronto.

If they don't even bother to ask and discuss my needs, and only resorting to lazy shouting of 'high maintenance' then they're not worth it.

Painful but necessary.

It's not even so much about my needs to be fulfilled, but more to the fact that the willingness to discuss about it wasn't even there from this 🤡

We will get there.

With FDS 🤞🏽🧡

[–]basuragoddess 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve been the same way historically. It’s hard not to go overboard when you feel strongly about someone, and I’m a very affectionate person who always wants to spend time with their SO.

The way I’m approaching this issue in my current relationship is to keep in the front of my mind that I am still actively vetting him, and that he could become my ex at the drop of a hat if I decide I’ve found a dealbreaker. I don’t stifle my affections, but I keep a mindset that I am doing what’s best for me no matter what, and I’m not gonna feel bad about it. As much as I like him, it’s to the left and on to the next if he isn’t the one.

[–]pretty_killFDS Specialist 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hi love. I have definitely been there. I would also put everything aside for the person I was interested in. I wanted to be with them as much as possible, and quickly neglected stuff I needed, yet they would easily deny me when they had things to take care of.

Try to cultivate that same love with yourself only. Now I can identify situations where my love and care for myself outweighs anyone else. I can see people who are interested in me and identify immediately how being with them would cause me trauma later on. I am more able to say no to people on things that don’t serve me or bring me pleasure, or bring wealth into my life.

[–]dancedancedance83[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow, solid advice! How do you discern so quickly if they would cause you trauma later on? What things do you look for?

[–]pretty_killFDS Specialist 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I look for red flags that are commonly talked about here, also any I am able to recognize from personal experience. The reason red flags are important is because they indicate behavior that will be damaging to you or the relationship later on.

The example I can think of recently, a guy at work who is married but in an open relationship, I happen to be his exact type. He tells me his wife is bi. He’s a narcissist, constantly mansplains me. I don’t find him attractive in the first place but a younger me might have considered it. Now I know to not even engage in him, because I know I am not strong enough to deal with a narcissist safely. Just bring acquaintances is fine, but even just being friends would probably leave me with trauma.

[–]hooptheboop 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I could have written this myself. I've gotten better with this, but my first relationships when I was young are literally cringe worthy. I cannot believe I was such a pickmeisha. With my first boyfriend, I literally watched him kiss a girl at a party and even though I told him I'm upset, everything carried on as normal. Even those we were 17, he never took me out on a date. I also feel like once I am with someone, it's cemented and I have to put up with everything because we're together now and that's it. But that's not it. I realised that no relationship lasts forever unless both people continually out the work in.

[–]annamae602[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, we’ve all been there. I can even remember some instances in which my lack of boundaries actually repelled some guys who might have been HVMs.

Building boundaries back up won’t happen overnight—it’s like a muscle which will get stronger each time you use it.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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