Shower thought revelation here: But did anyone else have zero boundaries in their version of Pickmeism?
I realized when I reflect back on my better, but still LV dating decisions as I got older, one thing was common: once I realized that I was attached to them and wanted them around, I literally had no boundaries with men. Want to come over every single day even though I have stuff to do? Okay! Can I convince you to stay the night even though you said you need to wake up early in the morning? Please do! I'll make it worth your while!
In the moment, I really don't want them to go and genuinely want to keep spending time with them because I'm that excited and/or elated to be around them. Of course, privately, I kick myself in the pants because once they're gone I am exhausted and behind on my own life stuff. I really enjoy my "Me" time and like to recharge by myself. Despite that, I'm deathly afraid of setting boundaries with them because I used to feel like a 'B' or like I was rejecting them. This does not happen in a dynamic where the guy is super into me and I'm not as into him.
Even if the dude I really like was ok with setting and keeping boundaries (a couple of times I did bring it up to them how it affected me), I felt like I had to "show" him how much I wanted him around by just constantly being available to him. So I would go against my own concern! It was hard to pull back and make myself less available without feeling like I'm playing games. This got better over time, though even with my last ex, it showed up with me still having loose boundaries when it came to poor treatment from his mother, for example. So I was saying "I am uncomfortable with how your mother treats me. I don't feel comfortable being around her." but at the same time saying "Well I have to show you I'm a good girlfriend so I'll put up with her abuse because I love you."
*In Cardi B voice* WHAT WAS THE REASON?!
I find that my brand of "love" means there's no boundaries with the people I care for. I literally want to give you everything and do everything I can for you so you know I just adore you and I am devoted. If they say "do this" I will do it or would try to bend myself in whatever ways to make it happen. Of course, over time, I start to feel resentful of them because of course I feel taken advantage of... and it's not like they're saying "please stop." At the same time, I'm largely responsible for that dynamic.
When I try to pull back on it, the dynamic/relationship starts to break down because I'm generally disillusioned, exhausted and resentful while my partner is like "Well, whatever." It's hard to get out of that or figure out if it's me or him or just cut bait and go.
Has anyone else been in the same position?