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Being a Woman of Color, how do you navigate racism and colorism in your search for a HVM?

June 14, 2021

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Post Information
Title Being a Woman of Color, how do you navigate racism and colorism in your search for a HVM?
Author SignificantCap8064
Upvotes 89
Comments 4
Date June 14, 2021 1:21 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/being-a-woman-of-color-how-do-you-navigate-racism.791770
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/nzb6gm/being_a_woman_of_color_how_do_you_navigate_racism/

[–]dancedancedance83 48 points49 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm interested in seeing responses from other ladies.

I don't really know; I feel it's likely the same as weeding men out if the pool was full of LVM. A lot of the same BS. Me personally I have dated mainly non-POC men who either were new money or became new money and they still carried biases/were low key racist even if they swore up and down they weren't. It always came out at some point or the signals were there and I ignored them.

With POC men, I find that their colorism/internalized racism/misogynoir (since I am a Black woman) was much, much easier to spot and run away from. I think it's just because I am much more aware of how my community views WOC/Black women vs. non-POC women so my shit tolerance is really low. I already know men who think like that put non-POC women on a pedastal so it registers in my mind that they are a lost cause for me; I'm not going to put forth the effort for you to accept me when you don't.

I think regardless of what race of man you are interested in/is interested in you, he needs to be showing himself out and moving mountains to be with you. Genuinely care for you. Point blank. Since being part of FDS, this ideology has strengthened. However, not to say you think this way, but for me, it helped knowing that as a Black woman, I need a little extra TLC from a HVM who is equipped to understand what I or we go through and also to stand up for me. Those non-POC partners I had were all about enjoying the benefits and fun of Black culture but when we were refused service or I was called names right in front of them, they did nothing and said nothing.

So whomever it is that is out there needs to be extremely emotionally intelligent, caring and special. I'm willing to hold out for that and I refuse to lower my standards in the face of the outside world calling me a gold digger or undesirable or whatever-- I don't think people like Serena Williams, Meghan Markle, Kamala Harris etc. give a damn and look at their partners and what they stand for. Too many LV men will say "I love X women because they're so exotic/not like white girls/have nice X features/ do it better" etc. (which is bullshit) but do they actually have empathy and care for you as a human being? Let's start there first.

You'll know if they truly do. They will show you.

[–]MarshmellowMedic13FDS Specialist 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve only ever dated black men (as a black woman), so I can’t comment on any other experiences. But hope this helps a bit :) I have a two pronged approach.

Firstly observations. How does he interact with black women or other WoC he doesn’t find attractive? Wait staff? Colleagues? Older women? My friends? His friends? Are all women treated with respect and politeness or only ones he finds attractive?

Secondly just conversations. My SO and I have ALOT of conversations about the big issues. Racism, classism, sexism, colourism, patriarchy, matriarchy etc etc In the early parts of our relationship, I made sure to always let him go first so he wouldn’t be influenced by my opinions. I always drilled down into his answers to rule out performative answers. Not one. I love having this conversations with him too because it consistently reaffirms why we are together. He has inherently good values and morals, outside of me. That’s so key for me.

I’ve had ex partners who have really highlighted their own colourism. It’s a nope for me.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]oddcharm 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Non- mixed black woman here, light or brown skinned depending on who you ask and this is my exact experience. it’s SO important to weed out the men who just want to use you for an experience.

I was pretty FDS before even joining the sub but I will no longer allow anyone, especially men, to treat me as if I’m disposable. I absolutely will not.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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