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Boyfriend buys diamonds yet complains about a 5 $ tea

February 5, 2022
63 upvotes

My dear sisters, I need your support because I feel my head being cloudy, like it's right in my face, yet my "pickme" is trying it's number and try to find excuses for him. I try my best to vet people and see the red flags, and this is one of them, yet because I don't understand why is this happening, my mind is in the "negation" phase.

I'm in a relationship where my boyfriend has no problem (or so I tought) into stepping into his masculine role of a boyfriend. By saying this, I mean that in my country, it is normal and expected from men to be the provider and protector. My boyfriend, even if he's from a different culture, he understands and accepts this. It is also in his culture.

In our relationship he has spoiled me with different luxuries. YET, today, while we were at the grocery store, I wanted to buy some rose tea of ~ 5$, and asked him, "Is it ok to take this tea?", and of course he said yes. Just for a little bit of background, we had arguments about this, where he would complain that what we buy it's "unnecessary" or "in the other place it's cheaper" and then I decided to buy it myself and we had the argument of "insulting him" by buying it myself because this shows that "I don't view us as a relationship". So now I was in this frustration and anxiety state where I had to be hiper conscious about what we buy, and I wanted this tea, that I knew he will not view it as a necessity, and if I say that I want to pay for it, I would insult him abd he would be like "but why? You think I don't have money to pay for it?" And also, the place was a chinese store outside my city so I could not come later to buy it myself.

I am not joking when I say that we fought over the damn tea 3 hours long. And it all started with him saying "let's be more conscious next time when we buy things, shall we? ". And when I explained to him that I find it quite cringe to bitch about a 5$ tea, he started all this theory how he's in a period where he's having anxieties because of money (even if he has enough savings to live without working for 2 years).

And after all this fighting, his comment was: well, instead of asking me if I want to buy this tea or not, you should have told me, "I will buy this tea no matter what" and then let me decide if I want to buy it, and of course I will buy it, but then that would be my fault, so I cannot complain about it.

I feel my head cloudy after all this situation and on one side I feel like he is doing all this things for me and buying a lot of way more expensive things without me even asking yet this situation today gave me a vibe of...manipulation I guess. On the other hand, he told me he had some problems with the company that we's associated with and he might be leaving, but still I don't think it's a valid reason to throw shit at me. For information, I work also, I'm not dependent on him. It's just normal in our culture for the man to pay for things, it's just how it is.

I know in my head what he is doing is bad, yet I don't have the strength to admit it. I would love & really appreciate some FDS energy right now..

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Post Information
Title Boyfriend buys diamonds yet complains about a 5 $ tea
Author HotTrouble0
Upvotes 63
Comments 7
Date February 5, 2022 6:27 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/boyfriend-buys-diamonds-yet-complains-about-a-5.1099574
https://theredarchive.com/post/1099574
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/slde25/boyfriend_buys_diamonds_yet_complains_about_a_5/
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Comments

[–]sewingmachinesavior 57 points58 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he is having a 3 hour argument over $5 tea, what is it going to look like when you are arguing over what school to send the children to, the purchase of a vehicle, or a home?

This is the beginning of losing financial control. I know, because I’ve lived it. You will end up broke and dependent on him, which makes it very VERY hard to leave, doubly so if you procreate.

Remember, little red flags become the whole parade if you wait long enough. So DONT WAIT LONG ENOUGH.

[–]brainsssszzzzz 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have a feeling you will feel a lot better about this situation if you take a few days away from him. Something innocent and easy, like visiting a friend out of town, or staying with your sister, I don't know. Arguing for 3 hours over a $5 box of tea is obviously very weird, so if you can take a few days and clear your head, you will see it.

Also if you say to him, "babe I'm gonna go visit my friend for the weekend" -- don't say anything about needing to be away from him, or needing time alone! -- see his reaction. A controlling man will try to talk you out of it. Make up your mind and go. Even if you stay at a hostel for a few nights. Get a clean mind. You'll see it.

[–]dancedancedance83 70 points71 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wanted to buy some rose tea of ~ 5$, and asked him, "Is it ok to take this tea?", and of course he said yes.

Just to make sure you're aware, you are unintentionally setting yourself up for financial abuse by doing things like this. Don't ask men permission to do anything. That makes you seem weak and dependent. They aren't your mom or your dad. No one in your life deserves that much power over you. You can have and spend your money however you please, but as your boyfriend, allow him to show you what he would like to do with you in terms of money (i.e. paying for dates, a gift if he would like to etc.). It's absolutely none of his or anyone's business what you do with your money. What the fuck?

His overall attitude towards money screams New Money cheap and also controlling. Actually wealthy people who also know how to use money as a tool do not obnoxiously penny pinch like this. They may be modest or on the extreme side, frugal, but they don't flippantly spend money on big ticket items while also obnoxiously penny pitch on something that is in the necessity category like a drink. That's what people who are New Money but don't value or respect money do. A really good example of this are actors and rappers that flaunt their wealth in cars and jewelry but they also owe in back taxes or become bankrupt within a year.

See his behavior for what it is.

Edit: Actually, I think you would benefit from watching this video. I know it's 2 hours long and I've watched it in sections, but Deb is FDS approved and she breaks it down really well what financial abuse is, how to spot the signs and what to do. I think that will also supplement what we are saying here as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULZG3r1Lrv0&t=2349s&ab\_channel=DeborrahCooper

[–]Iceyboo 55 points56 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay, culturally IMO if you’re okay with this being how your relationship is, then stick with it . Personally I think he might be leading up to you having to rely on him financially, it’s ok to let him think that but never to actually be. The tea thing seems controlling because he essentially wanted to be in control of saying yes or no to buying it.

If you feel like he’s being manipulative then trust your gut. You know what someone being genuine looks like, you experience it everyday. Your instincts are there to keep you safe.

[–]pozzalovah 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I see it as red flag .

[–]fireforestfairy 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He was pretending to be a guy willing to spend money on luxuries for you when he's actually frugal.

[–]Colour_riot 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think he's financially controlling.

he started all this theory how he's in a period where he's having anxieties because of money (even if he has enough savings to live without working for 2 years)

Look, for me and a few of my other friends who deal with numbers alot, calculating yield is an occupational hazard. I once laughed at a friend who was calculating unit costs on pasta at the grocery store but we're both happy to blow $100 pp at an improptu dinner.

What's different though, and a red flag, is forcing that view on other people. That's controlling. I dated a dude like that and we both earn 5 figures but fought over friggin eggs.

If he doesn't respect your preferences and things that you see value in, he's not the one.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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