Boyfriend (m25) says FDS is making me crazy?

WildTenderness · 2021-01-09T20:47:46+00:00

Never show your partner FDS. The majority of people will view it as extreme and make wild assumptions based off of a couple posts.
Your expectations are not too high. Unless he's paying for everything, you get an allowance, and you're not required to work, expecting you to be the only one cooking/cleaning is ridiculous. It's basic decency to split household chores and cooking responsibilities (it doesn't have to be 50/50 for everything, but splitting tasks would still be necessary). You are babying this man. Cooking for him and cleaning for him, you're not his mom.
While mental illness can explain certain qualities in a person, it doesn't excuse it. If he's not actively seeking professional help and/or medication and making improvement, then he's a lost cause. It's not your job to deal with someone who isn't even willing to help themselves.

He is definitely using you. I am 100% certain he will make every attempt to gaslight you and manipulate you into staying with him when you try to end the relationship. Do the right thing and find yourself someone who actually treats you like an equal. If it's your place, then you should be fine, but if it's not yours then you should prepare living arrangements before ending the relationship. Good luck, girly. It gets worse before it gets better ❣️

AyemHerself · 2021-01-09T20:47:19+00:00

You're listing a lot of red flags and a lot of excuses.

What are the good things about this relationship that override the bad things in your mind AND you can't get elsewhere?

cryptohobo · 2021-01-09T22:55:32+00:00

Your first mistake was showing him FDS, now when you break up with him he’ll blame it on “you getting all brainwashed” instead of realizing it was because he’s a shitty contributor to the relationship.

Of course he’ll say FDS is extreme and crazy, he’s gaslighting you.

lalalalaika · 2021-01-09T20:43:04+00:00

He plays videogames all day

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. He's taking advantage of you.

Should i be more understanding?

No. Dump him 👌

hippiepotomus · 2021-01-09T23:37:21+00:00

Please dump him, you deserve so much better. In the future, do not discuss FDS with guys you’re dating. There is absolutely no point in trying to change a man’s mind about anything or trying to change his behavior. Either he is the kind of man you want or he isn’t. His mom obviously babied him because she has been conditioned to believe men are are incapable of basic adult tasks and is outsourcing her parenting to you and the other women he will date in the future. Don’t buy into it for one second. Men are not useless. They built countries, fought wars, went to the moon for Christ’s sake. They are perfectly capable of housework. Anyone who says otherwise is not someone you should be listening to. It’s gaslighting on a mass scale. You’re babying him by doing all the housework while he plays video games all day and it will wear on your soul eventually. Is this really the kind of man you want to have kids with? You want to do all the cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready, driving them around, doctors appointments, helping with homework, bathing them and putting them to bed, while he plays video games all day and wallows in his depression that he refuses help for ALL WHILE paying 50/50 for everything?? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal for him, and a life of slavery for you. Please #KickHimOut

Edit: he calls his mother a bitch?? And screamed at you in public?? Throw the whole man out, this one is trash. Find some roommates, get a cheap studio, move back in with your parents, anything you can. This man will suck the life out of you if you stay.

Aloe_You_Vera_Much · 2021-01-09T22:52:10+00:00

I think something to really think about is how many world crises will happen in our lifetime. The number is actually pretty big. Big world events and bad things are normal life. So if someone is acting badly now, don’t excuse it saying “they’ll be better when things go back to ‘normal’”. Guess what? This is normal. You need a partner that can be there, and make good decisions whether it’s good times or bad, and right now it sounds like he’s only a good person when times are good. New flash, that doesn’t actually count as being a good person/partner.

BabyGothQ · 2021-01-09T21:48:58+00:00

Why are you doing wife and mother things for this person who already has one of those, but hasn’t committed to you for the other?

redditaccount741 · 2021-01-10T03:34:15+00:00

All I hear in your post is explaining why you would like to stay with him. If you do not wish to open your eyes then that's on you.

Self-accountability is encouraged here, and I do not see it whatsoever in your comment replies. Good day.

Sea_Soil · 2021-01-10T04:10:27+00:00

I think you should dump him. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.

oscine23 · 2021-01-10T05:20:32+00:00

You are not being too harsh. Yes, it would absolutely be like this if you were too marry him. I know this because I married a man like him. I carried the mental and emotional load, took the lead with the kids (school stuff, doctors), and I did 99% of the housework. And like you, I would complain and then he would make a weak attempt to pitch in but then go right back to doing nothing. We were married for 10 years and he never changed no matter how often I complained, how sweetly I asked, or how obviously stressed I was.

And he was generally a nice guy, But emotionally immature with no desire to lead this family or step outside of his comfort zone. I had to finally face the fact that he was just weak, wack.

Some men are just not built to lead. Even now I hate labelling him as LVM, but the truth is, that's what he is. Trust me when I tell you, that nothing you will ever say or do will change this man. He's not going to suddenly realise that he is taking you for granted or what his role as a man should be. I was a little older than you when I got married and looking back, I wasted so much time and emotion on him. He gave me 2 beautiful children and he's a good dad, but a horrible partner. Knowing what I know now, I would never have chosen him, and I would hate for my daughter to end up with someone like him.

You shouldn't be living with a man at 25 and playing wife. Look; it's already exhausting you. You've gotten a glimpse into what marriage with this man would be like. Start planning your exit. It's not going to get any better. I applaud your instincts. They're spot on.

Car0llle · 2021-01-10T09:27:12+00:00

He sounds a lot like my ex whom I just broke up with after 3 years. Covid or not he will never help you with housework. He will never stop gaming. He will always half-ass his way through this relationship and then make you question your reality when you communicate your unmet needs.

We shouldn't put up with the same stuff our mothers did because it is not healthy. Men are not the only bread winners in the house anymore, so the housework has to be split equally. Men just don't do it because so many women still put up with this and accept their uselessness.

Believe me when I tell you this will eat away at you and then you will leave anyway, sooner or later. Love makes you make excuses for someone and it's a beautiful thing to look for the best in the person you love. But when they actually show you who they are, you better believe them. Some people tend to blame the environment for their behaviour and failures more than others, but I am sure he will find other reasons to still remain the same loser he is now after covid ends. It's not your job to fix him. You know deep in your heart already he is not the one. You found this community for a reason, it is because you lack many things with him and he doesn't even validate that. Don't put up with this please, because it will end up being a waste of time in the end anyway.

Ancient-Cucumber · 2021-01-11T18:52:35+00:00

Don't tell him about FDS, why would you? It will only backfire on you.
His mom is an enabler for her hubby and son behavior.
Stop arguing, just don't do stuff anymore, like cooking and cleaning, see if he likes it. Don't clean, see if he likes to live in a dump. Get food for yourself from the store or fast food or whatever, and when it's dinner don't budge. Tell him you're not joking and he needs to pick up the slack.
It will get worse before it gets better, so get ready. Or it will get bad for good, you should consider these options.
If he yells at you or tells bad things, just leave the room and tell him you'll speak when he has the proper attitude.
Stop using his depression as an excuse for his bad behavior.
He needs to pick up the slack, and not be a user. If you keep giving you will be resentful in the end, you are not his mommy to take care of him. He should take care of you too.
If he has been without a job for a year, you don't need him.

That's just my opinion.

19Bubbles98 · 2021-01-10T07:05:51+00:00

He just doesn't want to lose control over you. My ex did the same to me, I am a very dedicated person, he hated that I had thoughts and feelings on the topics of FDS, and I shouldn't assume but it seems your boyfriend is doing the same.

Title	Boyfriend (m25) says FDS is making me crazy?
Author	redditaccount741
Upvotes	84
Comments	45
Date	January 9, 2021 8:36 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/ktyv1o/boyfriend_m25_says_fds_is_making_me_crazy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/boyfriend-m25-says-fds-is-making-me-crazy.1059817 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059817