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Did me (25F) asking about marriage timelines pressure him (24M) too much, leading to downfall of the relationship?

September 13, 2021

There is a whole group of people claiming marriage is just a paper, doesn't guarantee commitment, is no different than being a gf/bf couple, that you shouldn't "pressure" your partner for marriage, and that there is no timeline for marriage. I disagree. I date to marry someday, that someday being by the age of 30. I choose to not argue this bs about age/timelines being a social construct. I feel that I want to start a family at this age and I don't want to delay further than that.

I am in therapy and trying to heal myself and make sure I can do better in future relationships. I tend to think about what caused the downfall... pressure from me or was it that my needs weren't fulfilled?

We were together for 1.5 yrs. I started sort of hinting about my expectations around marriage probably around the 6-8mth mark. I knew I want to be married someday and if I want to be married in 3-4 yrs... I assumed an engagement would come around the 2-2.5yr mark? I tested whether he was on that same path with me. He came from a divorced family (both his mom and dad married twice and thrice). I was a bit uneasy about how lightly they took marriage but I hoped it was different for my ex. There wasn't any ultimatum thrown out there but I definitely shot down any idea of living together by saying I needed a ring at minimum before then, and that I was on a timeline. He would often refer to an aunt of his who dated her partner for 8yrs before marrying (at like age 34)--and I always strictly said "I will not date you for 8 years. On no condition." I know he wanted to eventually be married, but he never wanted to talk about it because he felt "pressure" and "uncomfortable". I think he failed to understand I had my own pressures and I needed the reassurance.

We broke up a few months into Covid lockdowns. He refused to see me stating we need vaccines first because his mom was a family doctor and he needed to protect her. I felt like our relationship was halted. He found no middle grounds to keep things interested. Didn't want to see me socially distanced, no sexting.. just facetime calls. I was deprived of my love languages- touch and quality time.

We had a fight that led to the breakup and during that breakup he told me he never read the 10 "Open When.." letters I wrote him for Valentines Day. They were just sitting there for months. I never could understand why he didn't even bother reading one. He said "it was too much pressure".

Did I do something that caused this pressure? Was I unreasonable? How do I find a compatible relationship next time?

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Post Information
Title Did me (25F) asking about marriage timelines pressure him (24M) too much, leading to downfall of the relationship?
Author tryingtoheal18
Upvotes 54
Comments 8
Date September 13, 2021 9:06 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/did-me-25f-asking-about-marriage-timelines.1070582
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/pnog04/did_me_25f_asking_about_marriage_timelines/
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