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Did me (25F) asking about marriage timelines pressure him (24M) too much, leading to downfall of the relationship?

September 13, 2021
54 upvotes

There is a whole group of people claiming marriage is just a paper, doesn't guarantee commitment, is no different than being a gf/bf couple, that you shouldn't "pressure" your partner for marriage, and that there is no timeline for marriage. I disagree. I date to marry someday, that someday being by the age of 30. I choose to not argue this bs about age/timelines being a social construct. I feel that I want to start a family at this age and I don't want to delay further than that.

I am in therapy and trying to heal myself and make sure I can do better in future relationships. I tend to think about what caused the downfall... pressure from me or was it that my needs weren't fulfilled?

We were together for 1.5 yrs. I started sort of hinting about my expectations around marriage probably around the 6-8mth mark. I knew I want to be married someday and if I want to be married in 3-4 yrs... I assumed an engagement would come around the 2-2.5yr mark? I tested whether he was on that same path with me. He came from a divorced family (both his mom and dad married twice and thrice). I was a bit uneasy about how lightly they took marriage but I hoped it was different for my ex. There wasn't any ultimatum thrown out there but I definitely shot down any idea of living together by saying I needed a ring at minimum before then, and that I was on a timeline. He would often refer to an aunt of his who dated her partner for 8yrs before marrying (at like age 34)--and I always strictly said "I will not date you for 8 years. On no condition." I know he wanted to eventually be married, but he never wanted to talk about it because he felt "pressure" and "uncomfortable". I think he failed to understand I had my own pressures and I needed the reassurance.

We broke up a few months into Covid lockdowns. He refused to see me stating we need vaccines first because his mom was a family doctor and he needed to protect her. I felt like our relationship was halted. He found no middle grounds to keep things interested. Didn't want to see me socially distanced, no sexting.. just facetime calls. I was deprived of my love languages- touch and quality time.

We had a fight that led to the breakup and during that breakup he told me he never read the 10 "Open When.." letters I wrote him for Valentines Day. They were just sitting there for months. I never could understand why he didn't even bother reading one. He said "it was too much pressure".

Did I do something that caused this pressure? Was I unreasonable? How do I find a compatible relationship next time?

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Post Information
Title Did me (25F) asking about marriage timelines pressure him (24M) too much, leading to downfall of the relationship?
Author tryingtoheal18
Upvotes 54
Comments 8
Date September 13, 2021 9:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/did-me-25f-asking-about-marriage-timelines.1070582
https://theredarchive.com/post/1070582
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/pnog04/did_me_25f_asking_about_marriage_timelines/
Comments

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 87 points88 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You were not unreasonable, he was unsure about you but refused to say it, and waited for you to break up with him. Nothing you said here indicates you did anything that could be misconstrued as force or intimidation or manipulation. You wanted a commitment before building a life together. He wanted the life before the commitment.

[–]decaf_flower 61 points62 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"We had a fight that led to the breakup and during that breakup he told me he never read the 10 "Open When.." letters I wrote him for Valentines Day. They were just sitting there for months. I never could understand why he didn't even bother reading one. He said "it was too much pressure""

This guy is a fucking loser. I'm sorry. He can't read letters his girlfriend of 1.5 years wrote to him? He's being a baby you deserve so much better. Find a man who doesn't think being 24 is a child. I wasted so much of my own time with confused younger (but older than me....) men. It is hard to find someone to be in a healthy relationship these days, I get it, but set your standards higher to someone who isn't freaked out about marriage. I went on a date with someone once who talked about it on the first date and it was so refreshing. We weren't a match but it validated that there are men out there that really aren't wasting their own time. (and this guy was like, 27?)

Good luck girl, we're rooting for you! Don't back down. You were not unreasonable. I know it really hurts. Glad to hear you're in therapy. <3

[–]dancedancedance7 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You clearly expressing what you expected did not break down the relationship. Your expectations were extremely reasonable and it is a good thing this relationship broke down.

He wasn't into doing those things, and didn't have the balls to say it. Sorry he strung you along and wasted your time. I guarantee you he's not into doing them with anyone else properly either.

Also speaking from experience, you might want to reexamine the by 30 timeline on yourself. I'm a similar age to you, and I had one a lot like it. I also felt like I wrecked a relationship with my "pushy" expectations. With a couple years of hindsight, I realized just how LV the guy was. My pushiness was my self esteem growing. You'll move past this and you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

[–]Twohagsover30 93 points94 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Did making your expectations clear put pressure on him? Yes

Is this a good thing? ANOTHER RESOUNDING YES

Continue to save yourself time by letting people who are wishy washy/uncertain wander away.

Better now than 8 years down the line. Ask me how I know 😉

[–]flowerpower102938 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Gurl you did good. This dude doesn't take you seriously. In 6 months you'll have enough clarity to understand what we're saying.

[–]NotSoSmartChick 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good for you for setting expectations and then not letting them be dropped. He didn’t want to marry you, he was actually ready for things to end, and he used the pandemic as a cover.

You do exactly the same thing next time. You let your expectations be known, and you don’t let a man drag things out for years and years.

[–]mashibeans 34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You didn't cause shit, nor you were unreasonable. Seriously, 8 fucking years? THAT was his best "example" to show you that he wants to "take it slow?" The fuck?? That's pretty much a decade of just "let's see where this goes, mkay??" and the only thing that tells us is that he's wishy washy, you are not his first choice, and wanted to con you for as long as possible as a "backup" without having to "commit" to you. You can be sure that this type of man would've jumped ship if he found someone "hotter" or "younger" or whatever struck his fancy at any point in those 8 years.

2-2.5 years for an engagement is absolutely reasonable. It's not too fast (1-1.5 year) but not too long either. You don't want to waste your time (IDGAF if childfree or wants kids, your time is valuable regardless), and a man who actually cares and wants you in his life, will not wait 4-10 years to assure you that you're his choice.

[–]Determinedblonde 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There’s nothing wrong with your timeline! It isn’t you.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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