Had a first date with a guy and he’s been texting me obsessively. It has turned me off. Should I cancel our date this weekend?

super_thinker_ · 2021-03-02T20:47:07+00:00

Go with your gut and cancel the date. He has anxious attachment issues he needs to work through.

2021-03-02T21:01:23+00:00

Red flags: ignoring your boundaries, not reading social cues, forcing you to pay attention to him and what he wants. Many women describe their former or current abusers as having been “overwhelming” in the initial stage of getting to know each other. Block and delete for your safety.

Villanelloh · 2021-03-02T22:07:29+00:00

Cancel it and ghost. My ex never respected my time and kept texting me obsessively even when I told him not to do I ended up blocking and deleting.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-03-02T20:59:51+00:00

Makes me wish we could gif comment here. I’d send you this one. https://media4.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

Snoo32629 · 2021-03-03T03:37:38+00:00

I will share an experience I had once in my pre-FDS days. I matched with a guy on OLD and he seemed very sweet and genuine, and I ended up going on a date with him. After the first date, he would do exactly what you said and obsessively text even when I hadn't even replied. This turned me off to the point I didn't even want a second date with him, and I tried ghosting him. After a few unanswered texts over the course of the week, he told me he had a great time with me on the first date and wanted to know if I was still interested.

I thought he was a good guy, and we did share a lot of common interests and have good conversation, so I responded honestly telling him that the texting was overwhelming. He sent a sincere apology and respected my boundaries from that day on. We went on two more dates, and he was such a sweet gentleman, but I just wasn't feeling it. I was honest about this to him as well, and he handled it very maturely, told me he thought I was an incredible girl but ultimately respects my decision.

I probably would handle it differently now that I follow FDS and vet his behavior a little more seriously than I did at the time. We don't teach men how behave, and who knows if the guy in my case was just faking who he was based on what he thought I wanted. I probably would have blocked and deleted.

He could have anxious attachment or a different communication style, like other commenters have mentioned. Although, it does kind of strike me as a red flag that he continues to text after you've told him you're busy. I think if your gut is telling you that he's violating your boundaries, you should trust it.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-03-02T22:41:58+00:00

In addition to what everyone else said it seems like you clearly have different communication styles.

Sweetlikecream · 2021-03-03T11:44:40+00:00

Yes. Texting too much is a red flag. You can't build intimacy through text. Speaking and interacting should be done in person.

so_crat_ic · 2021-03-03T03:37:21+00:00

ms_monquis · 2021-03-03T17:22:13+00:00

I don't think lots of texting is in and of itself a red flag. Some people like loads, some people don't.

BUT.

I always put myself in the other position. If I was really excited about someone, to the point where I wanted to text him 3-4 times before he even responded — especially if he'd specifically said he was pretty busy at the moment — how would I handle it? I would probably say, "Oh, understood, hit me when you get the chance." And leave it there. That, to me, feels like the emotionally mature response. Then I would go on with my day, and with vetting him, and as the conversation continues, decide whether he actually is busy, or if we just don't communicate the same way. That's not always a problem either — I don't want someone exactly LIKE me, I want someone who works WITH me.

Example, my ex husband never emailed or texted or called during the workday, even when I would send him interesting things, unless it was something that needed to be dealt with specifically at that time. That was fine with me (although I do love a pithy day-long conversation) because we talked at home, etc. I also have a very good friend who is on a constant grind, so spontaneous chats during the day can never happen, but we literally schedule time to talk, so our friendship is maintained. It may take a day or two for him to respond to a text, but he does respond to it, and doesn't just breeze past it like it never happened ("wyd"). (Of course, I'm not dating him, and acknowledge that different parameters may apply.) But what I don't do is continue to text him a thousand times a day, especially with fluff or small talk.

It's one of those things that can easily go either way, for me. A lot of people will tell you they like it when a partner or potential partner peppers them during the day, even when they are busy and can't/don't respond. Like, a lot of people love that "good morning" text, whereas it makes me crazy — unless it's funny or interesting or informative...please don't intrude on my morning. Would I tolerate that for someone whose company I otherwise enjoy? Totally, and I wouldn't want to squash someone's excitement and enthusiasm because he's expressing it different to how I would. But if this is one thing on a list of reasons why I wasn't all that keen on another date, I'd just move on.

Title	Had a first date with a guy and he’s been texting me obsessively. It has turned me off. Should I cancel our date this weekend?
Author	kittycakes22
Upvotes	85
Comments	13
Date	March 2, 2021 8:45 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/lwc2js/had_a_first_date_with_a_guy_and_hes_been_texting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/had-a-first-date-with-a-guy-and-hes-been-texting.792464 https://theredarchive.com/post/792464