~ archived since 2018 ~

Help with residual thoughts about my ex

February 4, 2021

I can’t stop thinking about my ex. He left me 2 years ago after a 2 year long relationship where we lived together. (I know better now). He seemed stable and like an amazing “woke” guy when I met him but looking back there where so many moments I should have noped out. He ended up leaving me and shortly after professing his affection for other women directly to me.

I don’t think he ever loved me. Now it’s been 2 years and I haven’t spoken to him since leaving. I don’t know what to do because I still think about him. Kicking myself constantly for having put up with him and his selfish garbage and not just leaving when I felt my affection was not appreciated or reciprocated.

How do I recover after all this time? I’m in therapy but I feel like these feelings and him popping up in my thoughts took hold when I found and started reading a lot of posts on fds. I like this community. It helped me block and delete a few scrotes and see issues with OLD and porn. I’m trying my best to level up but I want to level up without this selfish scrote taking up anymore of my thinking space.

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Post Information
Title Help with residual thoughts about my ex
Author Optimal-Ad-5998
Upvotes 54
Comments 8
Date February 4, 2021 6:22 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/help-with-residual-thoughts-about-my-ex.792661
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/lc9f6p/help_with_residual_thoughts_about_my_ex/

[–]moxymoxalone 34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think much of your not being able to let this go is that you’ve never been able to get your “nut” around having been dumped when you know you should have left long before.

Perhaps then what you need to work on is forgiving yourself for not protecting your heart, for ignoring the red flags, for going along with what he wanted when your gut said you shouldn’t. That is the only thing you have control over here, so take control and actively forgive yourself and tell yourself the numerous ways you will not let this happen again, starting with reading the FDS handbook again start to finish.

I wish you peace.

[–]sstenaFDS Specialist 38 points39 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is one aspect of relationships with men that I wish we talked about more: how deep it cuts to realize we've been lied to and used for months or years.

I haven't spoken to my ex in a long time and also find myself thinking about him often. Not out of love but mostly out of a desire to reestablish my self esteem and my dignity. As if he had stolen it and I had to retrieve it from him.

The main reason I stick to FDS principles even when I am horny and not in my right mind is that I remember how, after all is said and done, I still have intrusive thoughts about all I gave up for my ex and how humiliated I still feel now.

All I can give you is my support and understanding. With time I find myself thinking about him less. It also helps to remember that he doesn't even realize how deeply he humiliated me, because he never acknowledged any dignity in me to start with. So he doesn't think much of it, as far as I'm concerned. And the fact he can't reach me now is what he respects as dignity.

It's still annoying and an obstacle sometimes, but thinking of that helps me have less intrusive throughts. I wish you freedom from him and from thoughts about him. Hugs.

[–]penelopekittyFDS Specialist 26 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is an important comment.

Many of us are not just heartbroken from a normal relationship that didn't work out for normal reasons, we are traumatized from being conned and knowing that our very real feelings of love and connection were not reciprocal. He never really felt the way he said he did. It was all lies to manipulate and use us. None of what happened was genuine.

There is a very different mental process going on here. Our sense of reality has been challenged. Nothing is what it seemed to be. Many of us are suffering C-PTSD because of one (or in most cases many) relationships that turned out to be fraudulent. Recovery from this type of experience is different than mourning the loss of something we lost but knew was essentially good and honest.

[–]sstenaFDS Specialist 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Our sense of reality has been challenged.

This is it.

[–]Mind-Objective 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You live with it and continue to work on yourself. Realize it most likely wasn’t a you problem but something to do with him. Don’t force yourself to start dating. Do it when you feel ready.

I’m still working on that as well. My ex left me about 7-8 months ago and I question every day what I could have done better, or still fix things after all this time. But the relationship is dead. I saw red flags in the relationship but decided to stay and ironically got dumped for expressing basic needs.

[–]Hour_Proposal_3578 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Can I ask what your thoughts center around? Is it that you miss him/idea of him, or that you wasted so much time with him? Are there unresolved feelings that are capturing your attention?

[–]Optimal-Ad-5998 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s a huge mashup of anger at him and embarrassment for myself. I want to tell him so many things out of pure anger anger (he has been blocked on all social media since our break up two years ago). I’m jealous he got to leave that relationship unscathed and I honestly believe he was cheating on me toward the end anyway. I keep going back in my head and it makes me angry because I WASNT HAPPY but I pretended to be so in love and thought the fact that we never fought or had ANY disagreements meant our relationship was perfect and healthy but it was really because I just did whatever he wanted because I was so scared of him leaving. I feel embarrassed to have been so reliant on him. I wish I could let it go; let the whole relationship go.

[–]Hour_Proposal_3578 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s okay that you were in love with this man - forgive yourself for that. You saw the good or potential in him. Gave him chance after chance. And he came through!...sometimes. But those times he came through were a beacon of light. They were proof, right? Sister, forgive yourself. You didn’t know those flashes of light were not sunbeams but lightning strikes. When the clouds have around for so long it’s hard to tell. Forgive yourself.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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