I did post this on the main sub, but was redirected here. It's a difficult time for me, as I've made the tough decision to sever ties with an abusive family member. This has unleashed a domino effect that has unearthed a lot of latent dysfunction that has been simmering beneath the glossy surface of my family unit. So for now, I think it's best if I separate myself altogether and learn how to be a person away from endless power struggles, witch hunts, and gaslighting.
As you can imagine, this step has been both empowering and lonely. I'm dealing with trauma I've repressed for years; a potent cocktail of rage, relief, and sorrow; and plenty of my own issues to tackle. So I alternate between feeling tremendously free and very alone. My friends have been nothing but kind and loving to me, but I'm definitely rather vulnerable at this time. So someone who heard about my struggles asked me out to dinner, a guy. He paid for it and told me that he was willing to listen any time I needed to talk. He's not even my type, but the idea of someone sweeping me off my feet is far more seductive than it ordinarily would be. So I've found myself looking forward to his texts and enjoying any trace of attention he shows. Not. Good.
I know that some men can be drawn to "damsels-in-distress", which I might qualify as at this time. And this guy told me that he reached out to me because I shared that I was struggling in our group, which could either be a good thing or a bad thing. I don't want to idealize. I don't want to make this out to be more than it is. But I have to admit, it's tempting. There's a lot I'd like to be rescued from right now. How can I keep my wits about me at this time and avoid being taken advantage of?
[–]luvmyvulvaxoxo1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
First of all, never share your trauma with men. They will either judge you for it, use it against you, or sweep in at a vulnerable moment.
Think about it this way. This guy is only reaching out now that he knows you're in a tough spot? You see how shifty that is, right? If he genuinely liked you he would have tried to ask you out before. And a HVM would say "I'm here if you ever need support" and then back off until you're more secure - then ask you out.
Just keep reminding yourself how shitty it is that he's finally asking you out now. And focus on your hobbies. Is there a gf you can vent to? Maybe when he texts you, you can reach out to her and express your feelings. Or write them down in a diary. Sometimes just spending the energy writing out what I'm feeling gets rid of it because it takes more effort than a text.
Do you have female friends? I'd encourage you to focus on those relationships. But make sure you don't weigh them down with the issues you're going through. When you try to build a relationship with them make sure you focus on things that will be positive for both of you. Ask a gf out to lunch, to go for a hike, a "self care" day or something.
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