~ archived since 2018 ~

How to deal with loneliness

January 13, 2021

Hey all, I've been lurking on fds on different accounts for a while now, and I seriously credit the sub and all you wonderful ladies (and much needed therapy) for giving me the slap in the face I needed.

I left a long term relationshit with a nvm in late spring of 2019, and I'm happy to say that my life has only improved since, even with the pandemic. Almost immediately my financial situation improved, (though I'm still working on paying off his debt) and it became obvious that almost everything going wrong with my life was because I attached myself to a loser. This wasn't before he got me pregnant (a child HE wanted) and did his best to destroy my life. I could go on forever about how he refused to work for the last year of our "relationship", played video games and made a mess all day, would scream and throw things at me in front of our kid, told me I was a bad mom because I had to work two full-time jobs to support us and couldn't spend as much time with said kid (woke me up at 6am on mother's day because he thought I'd want to spend more time with her, got me nothing), told me I was insane and that nobody would want me, etc.

Before him I was in an even more abusive relationship, and I haven't dated anyone who didn't make my life hell. Which brings me to now. I've been reading all the excellent advice here about vetting men for a while, but i honestly cannot see myself getting into another relationship. I do not trust my judgment at all, and now that I have a daughter there is NO WAY IN HELL I would trust a man around her. I do not want a stepfather for my kid, I do not want to do anything that could place her in danger, and we all know how men will lie for years until you put your guard down.

HERE'S WHERE YOU WON'T LIKE ME Unfortunately I am still attracted to men for some reason, and lately with the pandemic the loneliness is getting harder. I usually have my kid to hang out with, but I work late on weekends and she stays with family, and that's when it's at it's worse. Against my better judgement I started hooking up with a guy I know. Not because I can't make myself orgasm, but because I just want a chest to lie on on weekends when I've had a few depression fueled drinks. Even though I said I don't want a relationship, he's doing the shitty thing men do to try and make you fall in love with them and it's really fucking annoying (like saying he's going to take me skating when we both know full well he won't)

I know what everyone's going to say about that, but I'm wondering if others have struggled with this and what you've done to help. I think once everything's open and I can go out dancing with friends or whatever it won't be such an issue (I was perfectly fine being celibate last winter), but I don't know when that'll be. thanks for reading this far

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Post Information
Title How to deal with loneliness
Author remainsteadfast
Upvotes 50
Comments 2
Date January 13, 2021 5:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-to-deal-with-loneliness.1059784
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/kwkqs8/how_to_deal_with_loneliness/

[–]super_thinker_ 32 points33 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hi sis! Don't be too hard on yourself. To me, it sounds like you've been doing a lot of growing, and it's amazing that you can see through this LVM's future faking (making promises he doesn't keep to string you along).

If you are fine with this LVM fulfilling your physical needs during this pandemic and are emotionally prepared for him to disappoint you, cheat on you, leave you, etc. then I say it's ok to keep the physical thing going FOR A VERY SHORT WHILE. I would also suggest talking to him to clarify the terms of your situationship and figuring out how long you intend to keep this going (which shouldn't be long. You WILL get hurt if you let this go on too long).

And whatever you do - DO NOT give him girlfriend privileges!!!! He doesn't deserve it.

In the end, if you are serious about finding an HVM after this pandemic is over, I would cut ties with this guy asap in order to start making room for the right person in your life.

In the meantime, work on fulfilling your own needs and becoming your own best partner. Only when we are truly happy with ourselves and our own company will we find healthy relationships.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are still in the healing phase and just like chemistry we cannot create a change without some agitation and feeling uncomfortable. Don’t expect that healing from your past trauma and your conditioning within relationships is going to be easy. It’s like going into childbirth and expecting it to be a breeze. Expect to feel like shit as you work through what has made got get into these relationships in the first place. If you really want what you say you want then you need to show behaviour that you want it. Ditch this guy and ask your gfs to cuddle, we need to start realising that platonic love is real and rewarding. Do you have friends you can see on the weekends? You sound like you are somewhat addicted to the short term reward of the intoxication of drama and poor treatment. Yes he’s giving you a fix when your cravings hit but you are never going to get a long term reward of respect and admiration that you deserve. I too have a daughter and Anytime I have felt myself slipping into my old habits (proud to say I am not doing pickme Behaviour anymore) I think if she came to me and our lives were reversed would I want that for her and what would I say to her. It’s a what would Jesus do but what would I want my daughter to do. Your child can pick up on your pickme energy, she can see if you respect yourself and you want to show her how to be treated like a Queen. Do it for her at least. You want to give her a happy, respected, proud mother. Also I would try and ditch the alcohol it’s not helping you and it’s making your depression worse and making you follow through with behaviour you quite possibly wouldn’t do if you were sober. Anyway I wish you luck, remember don’t be hard on yourself but it’s not going to be easy and you’re going to having to fight for you to become better x

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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