How to get over the guilt of being groomed by an older guy

Visenya98 · 2021-06-10T10:57:15+00:00

I am sorry to hear that, I do not think that there is any fast way to cope with that traumatic experience. But certainly you have no fault in being groomed by someone older and in a power position, who took advantage of you, even though you were 18, it does not mean you were a fully developed adult. If the shame comes from feeling guilty for letting it happen, maybe you have to start forgiving yourself first. You do not have to feel bad about your first sexual experiences, there sure will come more pleasent experiences, stick to those. The virginity thing is a cultural trap, women should focus in discovering themselves and their sexuality. That is a very long process, baby steps.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-06-10T13:46:10+00:00

I highly recommend Why Does He Do That, and then to read other stories from women also groomed by older men. You’ll begin to realize your level of intelligence had nothing to do with it. He was preying on you, and using tactics, manipulation, gaslighting, and anything else that would confuse you and convince you that what was happening was normal.

You are not stupid or foolish or unworthy of love, you are a victim of a vile man who took advantage of your good heart and nature. I’m so heartbroken this happened to you. Please continue to seek help to heal.

CaliforniaKed · 2021-06-10T12:47:52+00:00

Not sure if it helps, but if you search for similar threads on FDS, you will see how common it is. Not that it makes it okay but it has happened to some really smart, talented and remarkable women. It says nothing about your character.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-06-10T16:46:46+00:00

A majority of women have had experiences in their youth that they would never allow to happen once older.

But look at you, you survived. You’re doing the work now. You’re learning how to set and enforce boundaries. You’re changing old patterns. You’re sharing your story so other young women won’t feel so alone.

Not all women are as strong as you. Some women are victimized their whole lives. Not you, you’re growing stronger as you age.

You should be proud, not ashamed!

CandidKick · 2021-06-10T19:17:06+00:00

Want to add:

Give yourself the space to mourn what happened to you but also be kind to your teenage self and the person you are, now. If you could picture the person you are now going back to your teenage self, I think you would see how young you really were. That you were doing your best.

A mental exercise I learned that you may benefit from: picture going back to that time in your life and comfort your younger self. Hug her and tell her that it’s not her fault. That you love her and will do your best to take care of her from here on out.

It sounds like your self-talk is very harsh. Your inner voice would be better as a best friend than an enemy. If you wouldn’t talk to your friend that way, don’t let your inner voice talk to you that way, either.

After I was harmed as a teenager (harmed by men at several points in my life), I went through a similar experience. The religious guilt really added on to that. I felt like a piece of me died and I would never be the same. But after my grieving, I realized that I bare no responsibility or shame for what that guy did to me, that it was his fault, a weight lifted off of me. Now, my feelings of self-love and self-worth do not come from men. I do not need their attention, approval-any sort of validation. And the guys that spew horrible nonsense to make women insecure are abusers. Why would I place any value on the words and opinion of an abuser? I just don’t. I love myself, my accomplishments, my goals and dreams for my future. I am so much more than an abuser’s opinion of me and you are, too. You deserve so much more love and acceptance from yourself. Be the only one that defines your worth, the only person you seek validation from, and know that you deserve kindness-especially from yourself.

CandidKick · 2021-06-10T19:03:02+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry you went through this.

When men harm us like that and treat us like our only worth is sex or virginity or the like and we internalize that, it only adds to the trauma.

You should have never been hurt like that. Guys like that often target younger women because most of the time they lack all the tools necessary to even try to combat exploitation, manipulation and abuse. They rely on your lack of life experience and naivety to be able to take advantage. You bare none of the blame.

Since you have grown up very religious, it is also important to state that you are so much more than your virginity. There are way more enduring, worthwhile qualities of a person. I know a woman who built her whole personality around ‘purity’, waited until marriage and the husband is a prick in bed. And now, she feels empty about making it such a big thing. 0/10

I am not minimizing your pain by saying this: most women I know have been harmed by men. There are too many men out there preying on us. You were only a teenager. You did the best you could with what you knew. He was the POS, not you. And you are so much more than this. You have so much better and brighter things out there to live for. To enjoy. That POS isn’t worth anymore mental space, any more of your time.

so_crat_ic · 2021-06-10T20:45:31+00:00

you are not that person anymore. you weren't given the tools to avoid it. not your fault. the fact that you put a stop to it, means you did the right thing. and that's all that matters.

I went through something similar, and honestly it took at least 10 years to not think about it anymore. but you can't rush healing. it just happens. I'm sorry, but from now on, you are in charge of your own boundaries. and it will be easier to detect unhealthy ones.

Title	How to get over the guilt of being groomed by an older guy
Author	LiveInvestigator4876
Upvotes	96
Comments	7
Date	June 10, 2021 6:40 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/nwh0gj/how_to_get_over_the_guilt_of_being_groomed_by_an/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-to-get-over-the-guilt-of-being-groomed-by-an.791790 https://theredarchive.com/post/791790