~ archived since 2018 ~

how to not be upset that no one wants me

April 19, 2021

Hello, I am a 20f black junior in college. As you can see from my post history leveling up has been incredibly hard for me. I started this journey to gain some self confidence, self esteem, and be more independent in hopes that it would result in a better social life for me in the near future (i.e. a friend group, a best friend, boyfriend, etc). Almost every month I come back here making a post when I feel down cause I remember that everyone else around is having sex and is desired but I am not. Today is a day where I am feeling like that again.

I want this time to be different though. Although I really want to complain about how I have absolutely no friends and that literally not a single man wants me or talks to me (I know someone will comment that its a good thing that men don't want me but please don't comment that cause I just wanna know what its like to be liked) , this time I would like to ask for perhaps some coping techniques or resources so that I can stop lamenting the fact that I am a 20 year old virgin.

I just hate feeling so terrible about myself for no reason. I want to actually start feeling good about myself and loving myself.

Thank you for reading.

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Post Information
Title how to not be upset that no one wants me
Author ceedee21
Upvotes 67
Comments 31
Date April 19, 2021 1:12 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-to-not-be-upset-that-no-one-wants-me.792187
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/mtpxe6/how_to_not_be_upset_that_no_one_wants_me/

[–]level_up_alwaysFDS Specialist 32 points33 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

hey, i'm glad you're here.

some suggestions:

reduce suffering by practicing radical acceptance/radical self acceptance. it's pretty self explanatory the premise is radically accepting everything that is. right now you are both suffering and in pain. you can reduce the suffering by accepting so that just the pain will be left instead. it sucks, it's not fair, and i wish it wasn't this way but as the saying goes 'pain is inevitable suffering is optional'. Radical Acceptance is a Prerequisite for Change this is Tara Brach she is a buddhist psychologist who also has a book on the subject i see someone put the audiobook up on youtube

radical acceptance is also a part of dialectical behavioral therapy. it is incredibly effective but you have to do the work, it's not like regular talk therapy. there is a subreddit /r/dbtselfhelp and lots and lots of free worksheets online. it's a way to rewire your brain.

once you've radically accepted things become a lot easier because you're not fighting 'what is' all the time you're just accepting and then can move forward. i'd then start working on your self image. firstly being compassionate to yourself. another one of my favorites from tara brach - her meditation on self compassion.

additionally there is a book called psychocybernetics (also free audio on youtube) that really helped me a lot. this book was written many years ago by a plastic surgeon. he wrote it because he noticed that he had so many clients come in and get plastic surgery only to still be stuck in the same mental state beforehand as if the surgery had never happened. he realized it was a self image issue. he talks about how to remake your self image.

lastly since you mentioned race in your post i think it would help to find women who look like you to look up to. the media is terrible about portraying black women. i'm not part of that group but spent a lot of time learning about the bwe (black womens empowerment) movement and according to a lot of what i've read the message has gotten watered down today from the original creators but a lot of their content is still out there. the 'og' according to a lot of the people i've seen is a woman named Khadjia she has a blog but i bought her book myself recently even tho i'm not in her demographic because her message could really apply to all women but she does talk about a lot of stuff specifically to black women and why certain things are the way they are.

i haven't read fully through her blog because there's a lot of content and apparently the book is similar to the blog but in a more systematic narrative. all the other stuff i linked is free but i think her book is well worth it even over the blog bc its easier to digest (kindle version is only $5 and if you don't have a kindle the app is free on your phone/computer). i hope more black women will comment i don't like to speak on these issues not being a part of that group but i felt it was super important to share. she aligns with FDS principles as well.

i also want to say that even though other people are saying that men ain't shit and that male validation is worthless (they're right lol) i hear you. it's easy to say that when you've had it but if you've never had it before you want to know what it feels like. that's perfectly normal and natural. that's why i think radical acceptance will really help. i have more i want to share maybe when you post next month about the next steps to take after having more of a foundation and i've already typed enough :-P but just want to validate that for you. you're human and we all want to feel wanted.

edit: forgot this is more what i wanted to share later about actually dating and stuff but just in case will leave it now - Dating Anxiety and the Secret of Sex Appeal Featuring Special Guest Dr. Matthew May this is the Feeling Good Podcast by Dr. Burns father of CBT therapy the rest are great as well but as soon as i read your post i immediately thought of this episode

2nd edit: check out my post on the level up sub about making friends links to a study which may be enlightening and put things in a more realistic light.

[–]ceedee21[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for all of the resources. The worksheets look pretty appealing so I'll start working through those and hopefully they can change my way of thinking. I am currently in therapy and have been seeing my therapist for a year and I haven't been seeing many results.

Hopefully these resources can help me. Thanks again for your comment.

[–]level_up_alwaysFDS Specialist 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're welcome I hope they are helpful. Maybe it's time to switch therapists if it's been a year remember they work for you not the other way around so perhaps another modality would suit your needs better or just finding a different therapist. Also fyi the worksheet page I linked was mostly for radical acceptance here is another source with more general dbt worksheets that go into the other skills. There's also more on the dbtselfhelp subreddit. Good luck and come back and update us!

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 18 points19 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Real talk here. I was in a very similar situation a year ago when I was 20. I was a virgin, never had my first kiss, never held hands for more than 5 seconds... I was deep down desperate to feel desired and loved for who I was. I wanted to be adored and cherished because I knew I was a bomb ass bitch. Found a guy who seemed perfect at the start but he love bombed, manipulated and gaslight me to the high heavens and let me tell you, this desire you feel to be seen as a grown woman/desirable is not worth putting yourself up for sacrifice for. I broke up with him 6 months ago and I am traumatised.

As others are saying guys our age have literally nothing to offer apart from the verrrrry rare exception (who will want to better themselves for years before finding someone) and it’s almost impossible for them to be HV at this age.

Nothing anyone will say will stop you from feeling this need if you are anything like how I was. Advice will stay for a little while but this will feel world ending soon after. The way I learned is by doing and finding out myself. This was before FDS. I don’t have advice because I know personally that none of it works long term when you feel like this. We are so bombarded with scenes of high schoolers finding love and experimenting, through our own experiences and media. No wonder it feels so important honestly, it’s a decade in the making. FOMO is a real, awful thing. No one wants to feel behind or like they are missing out. I understand, I do. It’s just not worth it girl, be careful

[–]ceedee21[S] 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the comment. Its nice to know that I'm not the only 20y/o virgin that has ever lived. Hopefully I'm able to find a way to cope whenever I feel like this.

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Also I forgot to say I am really sorry you’re feeling like this because I know how hard it is. It is very admirable to be able to make a vulnerable post like this. That’s strength. And it’s definitely not just us. The majority of voices we hear talking about having sex are the people with nothing to brag about. They are likely in a bad situationship with a guy who will find the next best thing soon. Nothing to be jealous of, trust me. A couple things I wanted to add:

I know you feel lonely and craving affection, do you have a pet? I had a look quickly through your past posts and this is very likely depression, which I would know because I have it too. I don’t know if you have talked about this with your therapist but I urge you to increase your appointments with them or start again with someone new. I don’t know how you feel about medication to get you through the next little bit but it’s very worth it to look into it. It’s not shameful, permanent or even long term. Sometimes nothing else helps you feel good and that’s okay. It’s just another tool, not a cheat

Also on a completely different note ahaha, get a vibrator or air pulse toy if you don’t have one and it’s possible. Unlike young men, it doesn’t abuse you! And you will feel like you have more control over yourself and your feelings trust me. You don’t need to lose your virginity to feel connected to your femininity

[–]ceedee21[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I don't have a pet. I live in a small place with my family back home so there is no room for pets. Also I'm not much of an animal person either. I have never though of depression as an option because I still go to work, love eating, go to dance practice, and get all of my assignments done on time. I am currently talking to my therapist pretty often (once a week) but I have considered perhaps seeing another one instead.

Also a vibrator isn't an option for me either cause Im in a small place back home but thanks for the suggestion. I've tried using my fingers but I just feel weird and awkward so I'd rather wait for someone else to just do it for me.

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

That is verrry normal for your own fingers to not do anything for women. I’d look into silent vibrators if I were you and check reviews to see if it is actually silent ahaha. Try using the tap of a bath or removable shower head if thats an option. Its not completely silent but the Satisfier Pro 2, an air suction toy, is heaven sent. The lower levels (there are 12) are pretty much silent once on the body so theres that option! I think its really important you explore yourself and what feels good before getting with someone because it will not only give you a reference of what to tell them you like but it takes the anxiety off you if you know you physically can’t orgasm from fingers/penetration or whatever. Most women can’t from penetration anyway. Guys will usually just go with what they see in porn and unless you have pointers to give them, it is unlikely to be a great experience sadly. Wishing you luck girl

[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Do you mind if I dm you to ask a couple questions?

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Of course! Go for it

[–]AyemHerselfFDS Specialist 51 points52 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

We all have these days sometimes. What helps me is to stay busy with something.

You don't want to be liked by 20yo men. It might look nice on the outside, but love and romance at your age are far removed from the real thing. You're more likely to have a temporary fling that will give you no fulfillment in the long term.

This is time you lay the foundation for your adulthood. Focus on your studies and what you want to do when you graduate. Romance isn't important right now, but friendships are good. If you aren't part of any clubs, look into some you can join (I don't know what adjustments are being made for COVID, but I'm sure they exist.)

I would also recommend looking into counseling to address your self-esteem issues. Talking to a professional can work wonders. Your campus may have resources available for this. Again, this program may look different because of the pandemic.

Good luck! Remember that leveling up mentally is a slow and steady process.

[–]ceedee21[S] 7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'm not exactly looking for a LTR at the moment and honestly I would be ecstatic if I was even able to get a fling. I figured that trying to keep myself busy would help distract me, but the issue is that keeping busy isn't helping cause when I get upset about something that is the only thing I can think about.

I recently transferred to a new school in spring 2020 just before the pandemic but I was able to get onto a dance team and I am currently running for secretary of another organization as well.

I am currently seeing a therapist that I have been talking to almost every week for more than a year now. I'm trying to put more work into bettering myself but these intense moods I get in makes it incredible difficult. I just so hung up on one thing that the only thing that could actually make me feel better is if I get/ achieve that certain thing.

[–][deleted] 56 points57 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men are not a prize. You’ll see.

[–]jjlew922 11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just seeing now you have a therapist, perhaps not the right one. Did you go thru childhood trauma at all? If so, it’s time to think about finding the right therapist for you. I had a go thru a few, I’m now a coach, it’s a life long journey with the right people to help you along the way. Find what’s right for you!!

[–]ceedee21[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The only childhood trauma I really have are issues with my mother. I have talked to my therapist about it often. I don't have the right people with me cause I'm not close with my family and have no friends. I've thought about finding a different therapist but I don't know where to start to find the right one for me or how I would know whether a therapist is right or wrong for me.

[–]jjlew922 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The mother wound, as women, is the hardest ... myself and others here I’m sure can relate. You, only you, trust yourself, you know what’s best. Dig deep into the creativity or what makes you feel good and the answers may come. The therapist too, but only you will know ❤️.

[–]jjlew922 12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You are beautiful, you are smart, you are capable, you are strong, and most importantly you are focusing on studies and building up your life over chasing the boys. People will love you if you open up your light to them. It concerns me, no friends as you mentioned. Is that your own doing? How many people have tried to get to know you, men or women? How have you sabotaged those efforts? I would say finding a good therapist to work through that would be so good. Sending you much love ❤️. Above all, you know what’s best for you and never forget that!

[–]ceedee21[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I will be honest the no friends thing is probably my own fault. People have always been so mean to me throughout high school and even now in college and I have found that if I treat people like they are no special then they will not even want to talk to me. I could stop doing that but when I get friendly people get mean again and I honestly really hate it. I just wish I had at least one good person in my life to talk to.

I have also been in therapy for over a year now and I talk to her about my social issues every single session.

Thanks for commenting.

[–]jjlew922 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s about clearing that energy! Giving and receiving in the right and healthy ways. That’s great you see it’s partly you and you’re working thru it so give yourself the compassion you give to others. Once you clear out all the gunk, it will better make sense. Life is a journey we’re all working thru.

[–]sewingmachinesavior 10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Track your cycle! I will often get this hideous existential dread around my period! It helps so much to know it’s just my hormones being dumb. It will pass. And I’ll go on my merry way. Exercise, even walking consistently helps alleviate jt I’ve noticed.

[–]ceedee21[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'm starting to think this may just be my cycle as well since I just ended my period yesterday. The only issue is this feeling will probably linger with me for the week as well which sucks. I just hate waking up a virgin that has never had any attention from men or even women.

[–]sewingmachinesavior 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Men are barely even worthy of your attention, so I really wouldn’t stress about that too much. I’m basically old enough to be your mom. Do what you love. Find the women who will be your life long friends. Do something daring. And somewhere along the way, a HVM might appear. But do NOT wallow around waiting for him. 🎉

[–]ceedee21[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

How can I actually do all of that? I want to find new interesting hobbies and excel at them and not be upset that people for some reason do not want to be in a relationship with me. How can I do that?

[–]sewingmachinesavior 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Firstly, new things may not be easy right away. But if you like it, keep going.

Secondly, it can be HARD not to obsess about a relationship. I would suggest you to listen to “Break the Dating Code” podcast. It helps you get on the right track for dating, and really sort out your thoughts. Also, when you learn to meet your own emotional needs better, you won’t feel SO DESPERATE for a relationship (been there).

I believe in you! One step, one moment, one day at a time.

[–]ceedee21[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

How can I meet my emotional need? I feel like this would be hard because I do not know how to do this and also do not have anyone around to help me.

[–]sewingmachinesavior 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’d recommend watching Alan Robarge on YouTube. He has some great videos on this topic.

[–]Classy_Bunny 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Probably not what you want to hear, but people that lose their virginity later than their peers tend to have more success in life overall. Also get a sex toy if you don't already have one. A partner is not mandatory to love and discover your body. Take this opportunity to discover what feels good for you and what you enjoy. You deserve to feel pleasure and to feel like a desirable woman. Don't give a man control over you in exchange for validation.

[–]ceedee21[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've thought about getting a vibrator or something but whenever I try to masturbate I just feel awkward and not in the mood. It feels weird for me to even think of it now.

Thanks for your comment.

[–]WittyImprovement 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey I know how you're feeling. I'm around your age and I feel this way from time to time and it was worse in the days when I had never had experiences that other people my age were having such as first kiss, boyfriend, sex, etc. but now after having those experiences, I can say that dating in college is a very mediocre experience. Most of the guys I've gone out with including my ex didn't want something as serious as I did or they didn't know what they wanted. After breaking up with my ex I came to the realization that college dating is so not worth it. Not only is college full of immature men, but there was also so many limitations such as not having enough money for more expensive dates or having to jump hoops around strict parents. Not everyone has this experience but it was mine. I just don't want to deal with those limitations again.

I'm not bothering with dating for the rest of the time that I'm in college because I think my time will be best spent focusing on finding a good job and being set up for financial independence. I'd suggest you do the same. There's more negative consequences to prioritizing dating over college rather than the other way around.

[–]questionasker012 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m 24 and in the same situation. I’ve never held hands, kissed, or had any sexual contact with people. I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t have any advice to offer you because I often feel frustrated for the same reasons you cite, but at least you’re not 24 and still in this situation. 20 isn’t that unusual to lack experience.

[–]_HEDONISM_BOTFDS Specialist -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Have you tried online dating apps? A lot of us met our partners on dating apps

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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