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‘If a guy truly loved you he would do xyz’ a phrase that makes me think ‘why not me’. How do we reframe this

October 13, 2020

Whenever someone said if a guy truly wants you he would act right or if someone loves you they would change etc, it makes me quite upset to think that if my ex had truly thought of me as good enough he might have changed and worked hard and not treated me badly.

Think the reason I’m struggling to move on from this one as he seemed great originally: he had a good career, took care of himself very well and had hobbies.

How do I reframe this? Thanks ladies

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Post Information
Title ‘If a guy truly loved you he would do xyz’ a phrase that makes me think ‘why not me’. How do we reframe this
Author Apprehensive_Prune21
Upvotes 60
Comments 7
Date October 13, 2020 7:16 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/if-a-guy-truly-loved-you-he-would-do-xyz-a-phrase.1068342
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/jakad7/if_a_guy_truly_loved_you_he_would_do_xyz_a_phrase/

[–]UshiiMoe 51 points52 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do not take responsibility for his actions or lack of. You have no control of what they will and will not do nor their intentions.

Do not go into a relationship expecting change. You accept them as they are red flags and all. You accept them as that individual that will not be changed, so when you see these issues come up remember what you value and make the decision to proceed or not. Because they will never go away.

Overall this man was not good, he withheld information from you and decided to use it against you when he decided to call it quits. What he told you is literally just him trying to justify hurting your feelings and leading you on.

He was and is a LVM and I'm sorry he made you feel that you are not good enough when clearly he wasn't good enough for you

[–]dzgataFDS Specialist 29 points30 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Girl there’s people who think sushi and Indian food are disgusting and would much rather have a dry piece of unseasoned chicken for lunch instead. They’ll insult the flavors of other food and everything. Does that mean the quality of the food they dislike is bad? Nah they just have bad taste or different taste.

I, for one, don’t care for people with bad taste disliking me.

That’s how I reframe it.

[–]Sea_SoilFDS Specialist 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There are so many reasons why other people may not recognize your worth, don't take that to mean that you have none!

They may not love themselves, they may have unresolved childhood trauma, they may be completely unable to love and are simply not capable of forming bonds and secure attachments with other people. You may simply be incompatible.

There are so many brilliant, beautiful and loveable women out there who have been treated awfully. It's a them problem not a you problem.

[–]AverageToHotFDS Moderator 39 points40 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Girl, I've been there! Here's what I told myself to move on:

"I know I'm extremely valuable. If my ex can't recognize how much of a catch I am since he treated me like shit, he deserves to be shut out from my life. Who does he think I am? Does he think I'll allow any riffraff in my life who doesn't see my value? Chanel doesn't feel bad that 99% of the world can't afford it and think it's overpriced. It still doesn't give discounts because it knows its worth. How others treat me isn't a reflection of my true worth."

[–]madamejesaistout 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"If a guy truly loved you he would do xyz"

The key is how you define love. It's not a feeling, it's an action. It has nothing to do with everything you offer. It has everything to do with the effort he is willing and able to make to show you that he wants you in his life.

Also those three bullet points at the end of your post are all nonsense. Those are the lies he tells himself to avoid facing the fact that he was a jerk.

[–]Remarkable-Culture-8 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This saying is so debunked and once again putting the responsibility of men’s behavior on the woman. No one should change for another person, they should only change for themselves. This is just an excuse that parents made for their kids failed relationships. We always say men are so terrible etc., but can we take a look at who raised them? So many moms out there raising mommy’s boys that can’t do anything for themselves. No, it’s him who can’t change and fix his behavior and it’s not gonna magically change when someone deemed worthy of him changing comes along. If he does change it is probably temporarily and he will be back to his bs once the honeymoon phase is over. So don’t take responsibility for him, how he is will be how he will ALWAYS be and it has no reflection of you. People who can’t receive love will push away good people and blame them but that’s never the case.

[–]6lackPrincess 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just realise that you don't need to be wanted by that type of person in the first place, like count yourself lucky. That's how I perceive it.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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