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"If he wanted to, he would", but why doesn't he want me?

March 28, 2021

I always hear "if he wanted to, he would," and it reminds me that I deserve better and should leave. And that even if he did want to, the bottom line is that he was too cowardly to do it, which I don't want anyway.

But what I'm struggling with is accepting that he didn't want me. How could a LVM have the audacity to not want me when he was way shittier to me? Please help me reconcile this or send relevant links.

I know I shouldn't need validation, but it eats me up sometimes how he treats me so poorly and acts like I'm so horrible when he won't even recognize how he hurts people. I want him to want me not so we can date but so that I can crush him, if not an apology since karma or justice seems to rarely come for men. I don't like that he won lol

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Post Information
Title "If he wanted to, he would", but why doesn't he want me?
Author throwaway-rhombus
Upvotes 93
Comments 24
Date March 28, 2021 7:29 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/if-he-wanted-to-he-would-but-why-doesnt-he-want-me.792342
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/mf7zdt/if_he_wanted_to_he_would_but_why_doesnt_he_want_me/

[–][deleted] 103 points104 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When someone knows deep down that they’re terrible, but their ego wants them to believe they’re as amazing as they proclaim to be, they aren’t in a place to be able to live authentically or to love anyone. Also they’re so vile that they always think the grass is greener elsewhere.

Don’t be mad the bullet didn’t hit you, sis. 🖤

[–]_HEDONISM_BOTFDS Specialist 38 points39 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

There’s reasons why he doesn’t want you.

Either he was never into you to begin with, and was faking a relationship or whatever you guys had to gain affection/sex, or something else.


He was into you and you were hard to get, unavailable, and a challenge then changed your behaviors and you became too interested, too available, and you started pursuing/ chasing him, or entertaining low energy behaviors and this let him know he can treat you like garbage and you’d still stick around.

TBH asking yourself why he doesn’t want you is a waste of time. All you can do is react to his actions and ignore his words and adjust accordingly.

Dating isn’t for the faint of heart. You need THICK SKIN, and you have to be cut throat and ruthless. You need to be willing to walk away from ANYONE who switches up on you at ANY MOMENT. Even if he’s the love of your life.

If you’re not prepared to rip off bandages and walk away from bulls hit the FIRST time, you’re not ready to date

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

There were a few qualities about me he didn't like, but I believe a lot of his criticisms or insults about me were based on misleading evidence that he never bothered to let me prove him wrong or I didn't even know was a "problem" until after we broke up i.e. he assumes the worst and quits easily.

I believe the 2nd option is probably true. He couldn't handle my "high" expectations. Then, he got tired of trying I guess, and him pulling away made me anxious and hold on more.

You're right. I let too much crap slide. I regret apologizing so much to him, blaming myself so much. I just wish I was the one to dump him and not take all the blame. I guess I still would've apologized for my part and also point out his faults if he ever let us break up in person lol but point being I will learn to stop lowering myself for others.

[–]_HEDONISM_BOTFDS Specialist 15 points16 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I want you to carefully re read this comment you just typed out.

You’re focus is on him. You care about “proving yourself” to him. Your mindset towards him and the dynamic is revealed in the way you’re writing about him.

Somehow it went from him chasing you and you not giving a fuck, yo you catering to him and chasing him.

This is why things died. You CANNOT give a fuck about these men. For a relationship to work, the man has to care about you at least twice as much as you care about him.

You have to have one foot out the door at all times. Even if he’s the love of your life and you think he’s your world. One fuck up and you’re gone. No matter how much you love him and no matter what he says

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

At the beginning, he probably did care about me twice as much, but he got tired that I gave a "fraction of the effort". Would HVM be ok with me not trying as much as they do?

By "proving myself," I'm just annoyed the things he dumped me over aren't even true/as bad as he thinks. The things he insulted me about are mostly not true or are true of himself, and he doesn't even see it. He just let things deteriorate.

When he started caring less, I guess I should've put more effort in the relationship but still maintain considerable distance huh; I failed to do that 2nd part correctly.

You're right I need to be able to leave at any time.

[–]_HEDONISM_BOTFDS Specialist 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You maintain what works. You weren’t putting forth any effort and then he complained about it. The right response would have been

“This is who I am. Take it or leave it”

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I put in some effort although in ways that were not as obvious, like in acts of service and compliments as opposed to physical affection, as I'm not very touchy and it was my first relationship. It still probably wasn't as much as his effort but whatever.

Tbh, I would've been glad to put in more effort; I was just kind of shy, but he just never gave me the chance to.

I'm sort of confused about the "this is who I am. Take it or leave it." part of your advice. I feel I would've put in more effort (but still probably not as much as him), so it was a fair criticism. This criticism isn't fundamentally changing who I am. And wouldn't we ask men to change their behavior? Don't we get annoyed when men just say "I'm not able to change. You should find someone better"? To me, the problem was his cowardice and letting fear rule his life; whenever a problem occurs in multiple areas of his life, he avoids/quits/leaves/gives up.

[–]_HEDONISM_BOTFDS Specialist 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

At the beginning, he probably did care about me twice as much, but he got tired that I gave a "fraction of the effort".

This is really important. In the beginning, when he cared for you twice as much as you cared about him, he WAS FINE with the level of effort you were putting in.

When "he got tired that you gave a fraction of the effort", that was at the point where he didn't care about you as much, so he felt comfortable enough nitpicking at your level of effort, a level he had no issues with before, when he was super into you and presumably scared of losing you or scaring you off.

Once he lost interest, he began to not give a fuck if he scared you off or not. This is when he began asking you to do more to keep him interested... Probably because he knew you weren't going to leave him at that point, because he somehow knew (by reading your verbal/nonverbal cues) you would put up with it.

The reality is that there's NOTHING at that point that you could have done MORE of, to increase his level of interest. The ONLY thing you can do to make a guy be more interested in you is to LITERALLY not give a single fuck about Them. This means you're detached. You're unavailable. Your body language, verbal, and nonverbal cues all communicate ONE UNIFIED MESSAGE - "IDGAF about YOU, one foot is already out the door, and you're not a priority", and then you MEAN IT with actions which match your verbal AND nonverbal cues.

You don't text or call first. You don't analyze or give a fuck about what action(s) or inaction(s) really mean. You don't obsess or agonize over him. You're literally seeing other men. You're not available, you don't bend over backwards to make time for him and you don't prioritize him over friends, family, alone time, or pets.

The MORE shit you do, the more interest you show, the more he's convinced that you'll put up with bullshit, and he'll know you're making concessions. The goal of relationships with men is to NEVER make any concessions. This is what I mean by "This is me, as I am. Take it or leave it".

At the beginning, the only thing you did to capture or retain his interest was EXIST. Your level of effort and everything else about you was perfectly acceptable to him. He asked you to make concessions in the level of effort you were putting in, and you did:

Tbh, I would've been glad to put in more effort; I was just kind of shy, but he just never gave me the chance to.

I feel I would've put in more effort (but still probably not as much as him), so it was a fair criticism. This criticism isn't fundamentally changing who I am. And wouldn't we ask men to change their behavior?

NO! WE NEVER EVER EVER MAKE CONCESSIONS! When he asks you to change ANYTHING from the moment he met you, this is your first clue that you're too available, too nice, and he somehow read (or misread) your verbal/nonverbal cues to mean that you give more of a fuck about him than he does, about you.

NEVER MAKE CONCESSIONS! The SECOND he asks, is the last second he gets to lay his eyes on you, ever again... and MEAN IT with actions!

NO it's not a "fair criticism". FDS doesn't teach you to be eQuAL to men!!! You are there to date WITH THE BEST INTEREST/BENEFIT FOR YOURSELF AS A WOMAN. Not what's "fair" to "hIm". Not what's "eQuAL". If he doesn't think it's "fair". TOO BAD.


[–]_RustInPiece_FDS Specialist 19 points20 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

The phrase "If he wanted to, he would" applies to his own behavior, it doesn't talk about your value. You need to differentiate between wanting someone and valueing someone. He indeed wants you to some extend or else he wouldn't stay in your presence. To be wanted by a man isn't a compliment, despite what society is teaching you. He wants you, because your presence adds value to his life, like comfort. He doesn't value you, because he is of LV and therefore doesn't want add value to your life. LVM take without wanting to give back. This is nothing you can (or should bother to) change.

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I guess I struggle with the fact that he didn't value me despite being a LVM, like the audacity lol

[–]_RustInPiece_FDS Specialist 8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

He didn't value you because he is a LVM, not despite being one. So what does he have in his life, other than said audacity?

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

He seems to value his rebound. He says he's so much happier without me (but he sure seemed happy for like 95% of our relationship until there were small problems he never bothered to resolve with me). But I think that's because she's an NLOG who has low expectations and doesn't call him out on things. He says he's so much happier without me even though our arguments were so small and just over text, and I think they last longer than we did. Just sucks he's happy because he doesn't deserve that lol

What does he have in life? He's a 6/6/eventual 6 if you know what I mean. Rich family, humongous house, friends and gf who care about him despite being an ungrateful asshole

It really disheartens me to see how unfair the world is

[–]Snoo32629 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hey girl, trust me, he does not value his new girl. Just found someone new that lets his bullshit slide. Don’t believe what you see on social media or hear from others, it’s always a different story behind closed doors and LVM rarely change. One day you will see so clearly how it never had anything to do with you, and how lucky you were to dodge this bullet. 💞

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's funny, his friends are probably saying he dodged a bullet. He was just too stubborn and cowardly to see the truth and is the type to call any minor setback or inconvenience toxic when he was the toxic one. Thank you

[–]Snoo32629 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There's this tweet I saw years ago that I really like: "Letting someone create a false narrative of you is a small price to pay for having rid yourself of their toxicity. Let them say what they want, if you and the most high know the truth, your life will flourish and their lies will rot theirs."

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think they just legit don't even realize some of the horrible stuff they did. They purposely forced themselves to get over me by creating a false image of me and can't handle being alone or being criticized lol. They couldn't live with themselves. He's blissfully ignorant, but I’ll feel good knowing I learn from the truth.

I still can't believe his dumb friends said I was manipulative because I cried unintentionally after he hurt me. He used to complain his ex's friends never listened to his side of the story, yet he never had his friends listen to my side of the story. He shouldve discussed our problems with me, not leave me in the dark.

He thought he felt like Cool Girl with me. I was. He thinks I didn't understand the book, and called me dumb. He's the idiot.

LVM just surround themselves with people who only tell them what they want to hear. Thanks.

[–]sweet_birthday_babyy 48 points49 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

It wasn’t you he wanted. He just wanted to use you for pleasure and feel good for a moment without connecting with you in a real way

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 21 points22 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, my question was how do I not get offended or hurt by this? I keep wishing he'll realize what a jerk he was and apologize. I know now to vet more and don't believe their words so I can trust myself more. Idk, it's just very upsetting. I know I need to be happy single, but I want to be loved and feel safe. Disappointed that LVM seem HVM at first.

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 34 points35 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think just getting to the point where you realise most men are too proud to regret how they treated you because it is so ingrained in them from a young age to be selfish while women are selfless. He will NEVER apologise exactly how you wish he would because ultimately he doesn’t care to know how he hurt you!!! He doesn’t care to know what doesn’t instantly benefit him. If you had a compliment to give him, sure he’d want to know. But not how he hurt you because that makes child-like LVM feel bad about themselves boohoo 🥺 Lets be honest, he won’t become emotionally intelligent after you’ve broke up with him. You deserve better 💖

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So true, LVM keep complaining/whining "I'm sorry I'm never enough for you. You deserve better" and barely ever reflect on their actions. They only apologize to keep your expectations down but not for when they actually hurt you. I can list probably a dozen things I deserve an apology for. They just look for the next yes-man rebound who never calls him out. He dumped me because I cried after he hurt me, making him feel guilty. Maybe he should be thinking "damn, I messed up. How should I change to become the guy she deserves" but nooo. It's so funny he claims I lack empathy when I'm the one who overapologized even though he dumped me over a text. It annoys me that men live blissfully ignorant of the error of their ways.

Sigh, I just have to accept it and let him be happy I guess.

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agree wholeheartedly! He may SEEM happy but people who are so set in their maladaptive ways are never ACTUALLY happy. He isn’t healthy emotionally and he will keep repeating the cycle until he has no other choice but to grow. That could take his whole life and you don’t want to be helping him when you could move on and help yourself. It will be a fake front and its to get under your skin lovely

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because you being awesome only highlighted to him that he has a dark empty hole for a heart.

That made him run away fast because it is a painful thing to realize.

LVM leaving is a good sign that you are amazing and lovable.

[–]VillanellohFDS Specialist 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Some men are just scum. There is no reason why they act the way they do, that's just who they are. You haven't done anything wrong. Don't waste your time trying to figure out their twisted logic. They're just bad people who cause misery to you because that's their nature.

[–]throwaway-rhombus[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And no justice will come in terms of him realizing how awful he was to me huh

I hate how privileged men are and how easily they can find a HVW lol

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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