~ archived since 2018 ~

Is this a red flag?

February 22, 2021

I matched with a guy on a dating app. He seemed okay. He listed himself as Christian on the app, so I thought maybe decent morals, and also had a picture of himself and a young child who looked like his niece. We exchanged numbers and I asked him what he was looking for. He said “start off as friend said and go from there.” I said okay great, I’m looking for a relationship and am not interested in hook ups, to be clear.

He then asks if he can ask me some personal questions, e.g., when I last had sex, was I clean, when was my last relationship. I answer even though this seems a little bit too soon given I just said I wasn’t interested in hookups. Seems like we could clear this up later, if he’s ever lucky enough to have sex with me.

Then he asks if he can ask me a personal question. I say okay, shoot. He says he is looking for something long-term and someone to “merry” (yes, he did misspell “marry” even though he listed an undergraduate degree and a professional job requiring a professional license), and sexual attraction is very important to him, so he wanted an idea of what my pussy looks like. He said he wasn’t asking for a pic, just a general idea.

I responded that I really had no idea how to answer that question. He then said he was looking for someone to go down on and so that was important to him, he hoped I understood. I didn’t understand and stopped responding. He later asked if I was “mad” or “offended.”

I kind of was. So, is this a red flag? Should I stop engaging at this point at all? I’m trying to learn not to be a pickme anymore and normally in the past have excused sexual questions early on because sex is important to everyone. But this seems like a really inappropriate gating question. I wanted to ask why he didn’t care about asking first anything about me like what are my hobbies, or what I do for work, or if I believe in god (since he listed himself as Christian..) instead as a preliminary personal question. Is my pussy the most important and interesting thing about me? Anyway, help ladies.

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Post Information
Title Is this a red flag?
Author raphaellastorm
Upvotes 22
Comments 23
Date February 22, 2021 6:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/is-this-a-red-flag.792537
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/lpwb2y/is_this_a_red_flag/

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Please block and delete this man, he sounds predatory af. Absolutely no man should be asking you anything remotely sexual that early on, or EVER asking you for pictures. There is zero reason for him to “need” to see what any private part of your body looks like, and he’s giving you bs excuses as to why he does meanwhile he’s just using it to jerk off. Him being Christian means absolutely nothing about his morals, don’t be fooled into thinking religious men cant be predatory.

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow, what a fucking pervert. Block and delete. How would you feel if a man at a party started flirting with you then began asking those kind of questions? Huge huge red flags.

[–]kiksuya_ 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Holy shit that is horrifying. Block and delete. Do not say another word to him. And your last question, seriously? You know the answer to that.

[–]OkChocolate7617 16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is a very personal question and very inappropriate to ask someone you just started texting, especially if this is one of the first things he asks. Sounds like he doesn’t have a good idea of boundaries, which means block and delete.

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah he has no idea about boundaries and he obviously doesn’t respect her if he is asking. A man who respects you would never ask you such private and vulnerable questions unless their is longterm trust and commitment

[–]cupittycakesFDS Specialist 54 points55 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dear lorty

I'm so scared for you entering the dating scene when you are this naive to need to ask if this vile and manipulative behavior is a red flag

You should report his account to that dating site bc of all of this

Don't ever answer sexual questions for a man, you don't have to, he doesn't have a right to know about your past like that... Especially one who isn't dating you

He was using you for free sexting, he was jerking off to your conversation

I'm so sorry that happened to you

But please before you try to date anyone read 'why men love bitches' and 'the rules' and THE FDS HANDBOOK

You are going to get taken advantage of so much unless you try to educate yourself

And I've heard christian dating sites are the sketchiest place to find men, bc men go on there knowing it's ripe with naive women who submit to the patriarchy, I suggest not looking on there

[–]dancedance_83 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dealt with a guy like this in high school. He seemed like a sweet guy. Had cool interests. I had a crush on him but this most I would do was go by his locker and say hello to him. Apparently, he thought it was okay to message me and ask “what I have done with a guy” and ask me all kinds of sexual questions. I ask him “are you trying to get to know me? I wouldn’t answer that unless I was dating them? Are you asking me on a date?” (Answer was obviously no but I was 17 at the time) and he pretty much said that he “”had”” to be sure I was “pure” because he didn’t want to “go out with a s***.” I mean, he was so desperate to know what I’ve done and said (likely made up) he had a BJ and made out so will I “please tell him now what I’ve done sexually.” Fatal flaw was giving me his phone number. I posted the whole conversation on Yahoo Answers and people gave him hell for it.

ETA: this was in 2010. I wouldn’t put someone’s information out like that in this day and age or with my current maturity level.

Bottom line, this person is garbage, and hella disrespectful. Asking you perverted questions about your sexual history and to describe your private parts is so out of line, perverted and borderline predatory. I feel bad for Christian women looking to find Christian men sometimes because I’ve heard so many horror stories of women trying to find men in the church who are the creepiest and have emotional problems. This is not your fault, OP. It is a privilege to be within the same VICINITY of your pussy, let alone know what it looks like. Inappropriate to ask your history. Is this mf clean? Is he pure? Probably not. Delete and block him.

Only answer sexual/personal questions when you feel comfortable and when they have earned your trust. Set him free to the trash.

[–]ENFP_Canadian 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No thank u, next

[–]Summerisle7FDS Specialist 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You cannot possibly be serious

[–]raphaellastorm -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No sadly this was a real dilemma I had this morning.. should I just block and move on or keep engaging because even though I’m 29 and have a law degree I’m obviously still clueless about boundaries.. I am grateful for everyone’s replies.

[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Specialist 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

LMAO omg. What a fucking loser.

Giant Giant red flag. Dude clearly watches too much porn.

Any man who finds a specific style of vulva more attractive is just a porn addict. Don't put up with questions about your body.

[–]raphaellastorm 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. This answer helps a lot. I knew it didn’t feel right but was struggling to really understand why. He even said after in a follow-up text that he hoped I would trust him with this information someday, as he was really attracted to me by my photos. I like to think I’m pretty conventionally attractive so that’s usually enough for most guys.. it just felt so creepy and weird to even care about what my vagina looked like (like if everything else about me was perfect but it looked a little off, then I couldn’t be the one?). It didn’t make sense. Now thinking him being a porn addict helps clarify and I’m really glad I didn’t continue to engage. Thank you.

[–]souredskittlesFDS Specialist 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wtf this got weird fast. Insta block !

[–]donttextme_k 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Omg I didn’t think it could get any worst. Freakin pervert

[–]stillcantsee 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If a guy at the bus stop did the same thing, how would you feel? Cashier at the grocery store?

[–]Salt_SatisfactionFDS Specialist 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It was already looking bad but the moment he asked about your pussy it was bleak. He is 100% a LVM and definitely not looking for a relationship despite all his supposed Christian morals. Don't answer sexual questions from men unless you two have progressed into an exclusive relationship/about to. Yes sex is important but when you're looking for a relationship it's not the first, the second or the third thing you want to know about.

Yes, it's a red flag. It doesn't matter how much he says that he's just asking because it's important to him, how he hopes you understand, hopes you're not mad/offended, he asked because of these reasons... If he really worried about offending someone and doing things right he'd change his own behaviour, not try to sugarcoat it and trying to change your reaction to his actions.

I know FDS recommends blocking immediately but if I used OLD I'd leave a message like "lol you thought" and then block.

[–]raphaellastorm 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for your reply. I realize now his explanation was really manipulative—like he just wanted to know because it was so important to him to perform a sex act a lot of guys are squeamish about, therefore that somehow sanitized how creepy his question was. I think that’s partly why it was hard for me to realize it was such a red flag. Had he just asked for a pic I would have instantly been grossed out and not continued, but he tried to frame it as he really wanted to go down on his future wife like some saint. So creepy.

[–]Salt_SatisfactionFDS Specialist 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

it was so important to him to perform a sex act a lot of guys are squeamish about.

I understand what you say, I've fallen for that before too. But most women love it, so there was no need to ask, especially that early on, knowing there is a high chance you'd like it anyway. I am willing to bet it was just an excuse to get a picture and that he's not even that good at it.

[–]Buckley92 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is this a troll? I'm wondering why you would even want to continue on with this guy.

[–]raphaellastorm -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sadly this is not a troll. Like I said I’m really trying to shake my pickme ways but after growing up with a severely narcissistic father and spending nearly all my 20s in a series of bad relationships just not to be alone, I really don’t have a good sense of boundaries with men..

[–]cryptohobo 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Vaginas come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. There is no average vagina and way to really specifically describe them, any well-adjusted human with basic knowledge of sexual anatomy would know this. It sounds like he just wanted to jerk off to whatever description you would’ve written. I suspect he was actually the kid in the picture because of how ridiculously immature he was. A good rule to follow is to block and delete anytime a man veers off the natural course of a conversation to ask “personal questions”, it’s a sign he has psychological issues.

[–]raphaellastorm -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I guess I actually said this - that I didn’t know how to even respond because I don’t exactly spend time examining my own vagina. I don’t even know what it looks like really and even if I did I could only describe it in vague terms that would describe any vagina.. I even said I wasn’t in a good position to answer and he cluelessly asked “odd question but why are you not in a good position to describe it.” Like, for real? After reading everyone’s comments I shudder now thinking about it. Thanks for your reply!

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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