Just because I was a pick me doesn't mean I deserved LVM treatment right?

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-04-05T22:08:03+00:00

LVM aren’t low value for some women and high value for others. They are exactly who they are and it takes years of measured steps, self reflection, and a willingness to change to start the process of leveling up. This goes for men and women, you don’t just flip a switch and suddenly become a better, stable, and more capable person who can enforce your boundaries. You do the work. You are clearly starting that process for yourself, and you should be proud of the progress you’ve made and the self reflection that has gotten you here.

Nobody in FDS would say women deserve to be treated poorly because they are pick-mes. Women are often the victims of societal conditioning, warped gender dynamics, and the patriarchy. This is why we are collectively trying to encourage all women to stand up for what they deserve and help make the world a more equitable place for women.

The only women I have no sympathy for are the ones who step on other women and bring us down to get ahead for themselves. 🤷‍♀️

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-04-06T00:51:11+00:00

Pickmeism isn't some sort of permanent disability. You CAN change your mindset and recover from it and transform into a high value FDS woman.

I was strong most of the way through until he started losing interest in me, and I became too much of a nice pickme, who would stay around no matter what because I give too many chances while I'm not even given 1 chance. I had some other flaws I was working on he never let me show him either.

you fell for one of the oldest man-trick in the book. Love-bombing. The intense effort & slow fade.

It's meant to trigger an increased effort from you, and it looks like it worked. Your entire post is all about what you could've done, why you deserve a second chance, and what you were doing to prove yourself to him.

This is completely the opposite of FDS. We don't change for men. We don't negotiate with emotional terrorism and we do not give concessions as rewards for shit behavior.

the MINUTE he started losing interest in you, is the minute you ghost him and move on. ALWAYS. EVERY TIME. WITH NO EXCEPTIONS.

Even if he's the love of your life and you're madly obsessed with him, the SECOND his energy changes is the second you're no longer in his life

Dating isn't for the thin-skinned, the faint of heart, the easily discouraged, the fragile person.

If you're not willing to cut ties, rip bandages off, and withstand excruciating pain, you're not ready to date. You need to be prepared to walk away from ANY man on ANY day, at ANY moment, the SECOND his energy changes. That's really hard to do when you're hooked on him. But it's necessary. Women who stay, provide concessions. They let him know he doesn't have to treat her well. He can just do whatever and she'll stick around "no matter what"

Once he discovers that he can do ANYTHING and you'll stick around, no matter what. He's going to cheat, steal, lie, and dump you, because when he does, he probably feels that he can still get you to have sex with him, without any strings attached, and get you to chase him.

The entire situation and dynamic is fucked. You gotta start over with another dude, who hasn't learned that he can get away with murder and you'll still kiss his ass. Once he learns that you'll kiss his ass no matter what, it's only a matter of time before he leaves you for a woman that will challenge him and make him do the work.

It makes me a little unhappy to think he think he leveled up from me to some girl who acts like she's hot shit but is really crass and mean to other people (but is also a pickme in terms of having low standards whereas he couldn't handle my high standards).

I see that you're comparing yourself to the new girl. YOU CAN NEVER DO THAT!!

NEVER make other women the enemy. That's his goal. To have 2 pickmes fighting over him. DON'T DO THAT. You've got to take whatever dignity you have left and move on and learn from this painful situation. Never let a tragedy go to waste, learn as much as you can from it, and work to move on.

There are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned from the situation you described. You've got to work on mastering FDS principles, work on your self-esteem & mental health, and you've got to get a grip on your jealousy/comparison issues and figure that out. Most importantly, you've got to create options for yourself so you're not stuck feeling like good men are rare/scarce. There's NO reason for you to feel like you need to compete with some new girl over this NVM. There's tons of great guys out there willing to treat you right and getting with one of them, and it will ironically probably trigger your ex into being at least semi-curious about you again.

AyemHerself · 2021-04-06T02:31:03+00:00

Of course not.

We don't discourage pickme behavior because it makes men misbehave. We encourage HV behaviors because it will filter out those men who would mistreat you for having lowered standards and boundaries. This man would've been LV for you regardless of how you acted, so his leaving was the best-case scenario.

poody456 · 2021-04-06T03:42:00+00:00

I have been a pick me for years and I’m just beginning my journey to un-do all of the harm to myself and possibly other women. It’s not easy and no it isn’t it your fault, it’s social conditioning from a very young age and it has seeped into every part of society. Feel free to message me anytime I’d love to chat

lucidlotus · 2021-04-06T05:45:39+00:00

I’ve struggled with this too, but I’ve concluded that LVM will almost always stay LVM. They may act HV for the next woman but will eventually revert to LV. Very rare exceptions might be if they’re both young enough to see the error of their ways and motivated enough to change, or if they somehow hit rock-bottom in life in a way that makes them reevaluate everything (illness, losing everything, etc.). Even then, change is HARD. And the idea that a man will change FOR “the right woman” is just a trope of the media and puts too much responsibility on women.

You also said you had high standards, so maybe you weren’t as much of a pickme as you thought?

dancedance_83 · 2021-04-06T03:12:17+00:00

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I was in your shoes when I was younger, to a T. Except my ex lost interest in me because he was becoming a pro LoL player, and I was trying all that I could to get him to... be a boyfriend and treat me well and he wouldn’t. So I dumped him and he just threw me out like trash. Was really nasty about it. I went into what Codependency calls “fawn response” and started begging him back. He obviously ignored me and got a kick out of it. One of his fan girls made it very clear she liked him on stream and I guess he strung her along for a while, to the point SHE reached out to ME to cry on my shoulder about it, only to tell me he came back to her. I pretty much put up a white flag and got away from the situation. Imagine how I was feeling at the time? Thinking I “lost” someone I loved and here is this (widely insecure, I mean, a person who thrived on incel male validation and clearly mine when she couldn’t be with my ex after trying so hard) skinny, non ethnic girl who looks absolutely nothing like me and lived nowhere near he and I. She must be better and more worthy. He had to make effort to go see her. They got together and made it no secret they were a couple.

They lasted a year and a half but they didn’t last forever. He ended his gaming career because, surprise, he was a fucking jerk to everyone including that girl and was a loser in everyday life. Her dumping him made him see he was a wanker the entire time.

Meanwhile, while my self esteem was in the pits, I didn’t worry about my actual life because that whole time they were dating, I was out living a full life: going to school, working, traveling, making friends, going out, meeting other scrotes I mean men lol. Point is, it would have never served me if I kept hanging onto this dude. He didn’t want to see it while we were together that he was a douchenozzle and that LoL isn’t real life so he found another PickMe to keep him in his Cheeto dust cave. That was lesson #1. Lesson #2, heed to what Bonnie Raitt says in her song “Can’t Make You Love Me” — you cannot beg, plead, force aka try too hard for someone to love you. You just can’t. They lose respect for you.

Lesson #3: please don’t compare yourself. I let some random girl’s looks (which were nothing in common with mine whatsoever) and her race erode my self esteem and worth further instead of just accepting this guy was garbage all around and treated me like garbage because somehow, gaming was more important than real life. But you know, I can thank my lucky stars that I only stayed for half a year dealing with his bullshit and that’s it. I can only imagine what that other PickMe went through. I agree with the other lady’s point that sometimes you just have to take whatever little of dignity you have and let it all go. This one is a lost cause. I know you’re still working off of those brain chemicals because it’s fresh, but in a situation like this, logic and self preservation absolutely have to come first or else you’ll regret your actions that you did to embarrass yourself for a...really embarrassing and deplorable person. It’s just not worth it. You gotta kick him off the pedestal.

So give those two the gift of being blocked so they can be in a shitpit together and hope they get married and have some babies out of it. Whatever gets them going! Because: YOU’RE NOT THERE! HOO fucking RAY! You are free, just stay gone 💕

Title	Just because I was a pick me doesn't mean I deserved LVM treatment right?
Author	throwaway-rhombus
Upvotes	94
Comments	12
Date	April 5, 2021 9:19 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/mkv7dj/just_because_i_was_a_pick_me_doesnt_mean_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/just-because-i-was-a-pick-me-doesnt-mean-i.792266 https://theredarchive.com/post/792266