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Should I confront my friend who stopped speaking to me? Did I do something wrong?

July 5, 2021
5 upvotes

Tl;dr at the end

I've been best friends with a friend from college for 6 years. She's white and I'm Black, but she's been a true ride or die and always there for me, even when my other friends and relatives weren't. We've spoken every single day for probably the last 5.5 years, but last year she moved to NYC and then COVID and the racial tensions happened and it's been very hard on her living there.

I didn't know how to talk to her about the racial things happening because I felt in my gut like she couldn't fully understand. She was really hurt and upset that I didn't talk to her for a few days, and when I explained to her this, she said she felt angry and unheard in our friendship because she's always helping and supporting me and it's not reciprocated. I pointed out to her that I have been there for her too and went the bat for her too but she would largely refuse my help. She was so nasty to me about it. She basically said she looked down on me, "carried my whole life for years" and was saying that she "wasn't one of my fake liberal friends" and that I think she's a racist and all of this crap. I pretty much told her we aren't friends anymore because she showed her ass basically and obviously had a problem with me for years and didn't have the balls to tell me that.

We patched things up when she apologized the next day, but I could tell she doesn't fully understand privilege because she grew up in a multicultural area and feels that is her privilege-- literally she said she feels she has "multicultural privilege" and that I just see racism everywhere I am and that since I've been bullied by Black women before I don't know the meaning of what it really is (I grew up in a predominately white area). I disagreed with that and told her she doesn't understand. She said she wanted to listen and learn better and to let her know if something she said needs more clarity if I felt uncomfortable, but now it's turned into her feeling like she can never say anything right. I have only pointed out not to call me "homegirl" and it was lighthearted and it seemed like it wasn't a big deal but if we talk about Trump or anything that's going on in the world, I can tell the conversation is tense and I noticed her trying to get out of it, and I called her out. We fought about it again when she said I should know she's on the same side as me and that I'm defensive for saying I had to think about what she had to say to understand her perspective, and she would accuse me of getting offended or mad when I would ask her why she's trying to change the subject. She would literally put words in my mouth and I'd tell her no I don't feel mad or offended but I do feel like you're skirting the topic and I don't know why.

Finally, she said she wasn't doing well mentally and that she's struggling a lot and the negativity isn't helping her so now she wants understanding because she feels like her flaws are being pointed out and that I'm attacking her. She said she would respond when she got off of work. I asked her what she was really wanting. Basically I said I'm not attacking her, I'm just confused because you offered a safe space for me (or seemingly so) and that's what we agreed on and you're going back on it. I just wanted to express myself with someone that I thought I was close to. I'm sorry that the topic seems negative but I can't change how the world sees me, but if I'm contributing to the negativity in "her" world, ok I'll back off. This was the day before her birthday (a month ago). We haven't spoken directly since. I told her Happy Birthday and I've tried starting conversations in our friend group text and she'll minimally respond passive aggressively there but nothing else. I've asked our mutual friend if they've spoken to her and they said they've texted but she's really busy. I haven't heard from her since. She still watches my Insta stories and makes a point to engage with mutual friends on social, something she had previously accused me of doing.

Just to note: she spoke out more vocally when Trump was in office and attacking immigrants (her adopted dad who raised her is a Jordanian immigrant so she’s been around Arab culture since she was little) but when things that would happen to Black people, she would just call it horrible and move it along. She didn’t always say it’s racist. She had no problem liking things about Black culture or pointing out "omg my Facebook thinks I'm a Black woman based on my interests!" The last time we talked about Trump (when she was saying I should know I’m on her side) she was saying it’s more than just racism with the immigrant issue, it affects her livelihood and who rents from her leasing company bc of the ban he tried to do. Her world view is that she "thinks like an immigrant woman" bc that’s who she mainly grew up around, she says, but I have noticed in the past when I've talked to her in the past about being racially profiled or discriminated against, she'd largely question me or if I made comments about how racist white people can be, she would try to get me to say that Black people are prejudice too. She even felt comfortable telling me she thought "Karen" and "Becky" were racial slurs, to which I had told her I would've loved to have been called that instead of the "N" word, which I have been several times.

TL;DR My friend got angry with me that I told her I felt uncomfortable talking to her about race relations and said she pitied me. I ended the friendship, but resumed it when she apologized. I forgave her when she apologized, and she continued to what seemed like project her insecurities on me when I called her out until finally no longer speaking to me. I'm not sure what I've done wrong but I'm not sure if it's her being depressed or is it some fragility? Should I reach out to her?

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Post Information
Title Should I confront my friend who stopped speaking to me? Did I do something wrong?
Author dancedancedance83
Upvotes 5
Comments 9
Date July 5, 2021 11:21 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/should-i-confront-my-friend-who-stopped-speaking.791678
https://theredarchive.com/post/791678
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/oeiu3s/should_i_confront_my_friend_who_stopped_speaking/
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Comments

[–]SuitablePerformance3FDS Moderator 13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This shouldn't even be a question in your mind. This person doesn't care about you at all, drop her and move on. You can't be friends with people who deny your basic human rights.

[–]dancedancedance83 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Got it. Is me saying Happy Birthday or trying to start conversations with the group look like crawling back? I hope it didn't come across that way

[–]SuitablePerformance3FDS Moderator 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Anytime you break off a friendship and a relationship you should watch how the people around you act. Frankly why were they silent when she was acting this way? I think it's a good time to re-evaluate who you have in your life. Vet your friends just as ruthlessly as you vet any potential partner in your life. Life's too short to waste one drama and bullshit. If they're not adding to your life, growing with you and standing by you then it's not worth the trouble.

And just in general, always remember, if you're constantly putting out energy and doing things for people and not getting anything in return then you're living in deficit. You're constantly losing out, and all your effort becomes meaningless because it doesn't work to cultivate good long lasting relationships with good people, good friends would return your effort, not use it.

[–]dancedancedance83 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I did notice the mutual friend seemed to understand why I cut off the friendship when this girl disrespected me, but the final time she didn’t say anything. When I asked her she said sorry that that happened to me and she didn’t want to get in the middle of what was going on because she wasn’t there. It always didn’t sit right with me for some reason, but I felt I was being mature by respecting that she’s an adult choosing to still be friends with me even if that girl is a racist and choosing to be friends with her. She also made a comment how we can’t just have “everything friends” and it seemed to imply that I thought that way towards the racist girl. I thought that was weird, because I didn’t ask her to be everything to me, I asked her to see me as an equal. Which, obviously it is impossible for a person like her.

I just can’t believe I bent over backwards and gave a second chance to a racist. It was clear as day. I should have not done that and not accepted the apology.

But like you said, maybe it’s just time for new friends and experiences. I have been feeling like that for a while, especially for local WOC friends in my area, and I have been having trouble solidifying relationships in my location for various reasons, and also because I always put that “best friendship” first. That was a main gripe from that old friendship, there was always negative comments about where I lived but she was still going around in circles where she was, dependent on her abusive family and not being able to keep a job while I was holding it down completely on my own and had been for years. Yet I was the accused loser…. Lol.

I guess a little bit of it was just fear of pulling the plug on the whole group and starting new again. But I would rather be around people who actually care for me, understand me and respect me instead of being put in a position to not only prove my loyalty to someone who isn’t to me and also constantly have to tell this person one way or another that their beliefs are extremely harmful to my well being.

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not a person of color, but the one thing I've learned as a white person is when a person of color is speaking about their issues, their experiences, and their difficulties with race-related topics, the only appropriate response is to shut up and listen, and then see how you can help.

The fact that she feels like you're picking on her tells me she genuinely just "doesn't want to be seen as the bad person" and.. just ick. It comes across as a low key white savior complex, and personally I wouldn't bother reaching out because I think you two have definitely grown apart.

[–]mashibeans 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What did you do wrong? Nothing. She's a closeted racist (and classist, from what you've written), and like you said, she doesn't understand NOR wants to understand.

I once mentioned to an ex friend in our home country I was really angry because the people were being racist (she's white, I'm Asian) towards Koreans and Chinese people during Covid. These racist fuckers legit put signs around some apartments saying to "avoid them due to covid concerns." You know what the fuck she said? "That happens everywhere," which is the equivalent of "all lives matters."

I don't speak to her anymore. The truth is that some white people, which like it or not, is the "privileged" color in our reality, truly do not care.

So no, I don't recommend reaching out. You already tried communicating and being honest with her, and even then she doesn't see her POV as racist or narrow minded. The friendship ran its course, unfortunately.

[–]sewingmachinesavior 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

If she will take a suggestion from you, see if she will listen to the book “I’m Still Here” by Austin Channing Brown.

I cried my way through this book. I’m white and was raised in rural white America. Some of the struggles, I was aware of, others not so much.

But also, it’s not your job to educate her on the difficulties of being a black woman. There are hardly any POC where I live, but I am educating myself, so I can educate my children. I don’t have any black friends (because seeing any black people here is uncommon), but if I did I would feel an even greater responsibility to educate myself as an anti-racist.

Im really sorry your friends personal struggles are over shadowing your friendship. It’s also honestly ridiculous that she is claiming some sort of “immigrant woman” status. I grew up around many migrant Mexican workers, and that was a heavy influence in my young life, but that doesn’t make me Mexican or give me the full taste of the realities of being a migrant worker.

[–]dancedancedance83 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's very kind, thank you for suggesting and telling your story. I doubt she would listen or read it because she's acted moronically because of her denial, but it seems like a book I'd like to read. I have experience on my side of course, but it seems like the author and I have been around a lot of the same spaces and would be helpful. So thank you.

Yeah, who knows why she thought that way, but you're absolutely right, it is extremely audacious and tone deaf to say that. Good riddance to her. Proximity doesn't mean you share the exact experience. There's still two different experiences at play.

[–]Repulsive-Ad1092 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You deserve friends who respect you and don’t make you feel bad for voicing your concerns 💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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