~ archived since 2018 ~

Upset cause no one hits on me

May 13, 2021
56 upvotes

Hi, I’m a 20f black girl. I’ve felt unattractive for my whole life cause boys have never given me attention growing up. I’m in college and have definitely glowed up since then by losing weight and learning to do makeup but I still have not gotten any type of attention from men.

I have never been cat called or anything like that. It’s almost like I’m not there. Its not the case that I have any male friends who wanna fuck me. They literally just see me as a girl who’s just there.

I know FDS teaches us to not want male attention but its so hard when I don’t even get it and I want it. I want a boyfriend and I want to have boys like me and be a HVW.

What can I do to get their attention?

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Post Information
Title Upset cause no one hits on me
Author ceedee21
Upvotes 56
Comments 41
Date May 13, 2021 1:24 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/upset-cause-no-one-hits-on-me.791973
https://theredarchive.com/post/791973
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/nbgjya/upset_cause_no_one_hits_on_me/
Comments

[–]AimiHanibal 108 points109 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If you want to be a HVW stop seeking male attention/validation. You’re trully not missing anything. It’s a blessing in disguise.

[–]ceedee21[S] 12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

How can I stop? I’ve been trying to focus on other things but this is just something that I really want.

[–]AimiHanibal 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’d look into why do you want that? Does your self-esteem and/or self-worth depend on whether or not males find you attractive? If so then why? That is the ultimate pickme mindset. I don’t think trying to get rid of it will work, just really look into yourself and ask those questions. I think, for me, the greatest realization re. men has been that they ain’t shit so their validation/attention means little to me and is not worth it. Also, therapy helps as well.

[–]Lavender_flowFDS Specialist 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

tell yourself every single day in the mirror "I Am beautiful, I am worthy, I deserve love and I love myself". EVERY SINGLE DAY.Stop looking for flaws and start looking for beauty in yourself.

[–]dak4f2 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What we seek without we must learn to give ourselves within, or else we become a bottomless pit that can never be fulfilled, it will never be enough.

The advice from u/lavender_flow is spot on. Also look into self-reparenting, you may bring that to your therapist or find one who is familiar with that, or check out resources online.

You probably didn't get enough attention as a small child (or got too much? different experiences can lead to the same symptom - go back in your history and ask why). This wound you will seek to fill the rest of your life unless you learn to give it to yourself/within. It's hard as hell and can take years, but you can do it.

[–]_bethiebabes 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

you want men to like you because we’ve been fed this lie our whole lives that you can determine a woman’s worth based on how men feel about her. the truth is that men are very stupid animals who cannot properly analyze their own behavior or emotions or be trusted to make any kind of judgment at all. and as contradictory as this may sound the best thing for you to do is just pretend that they don’t even exist. you don’t have to go out searching for men, men do more than enough searching on their own, let them come to you and make your decisions from there. if you use your young years to become a high value woman, high-value men will see this and will come to you, then you just sit back and vet. and please be aware that only lvm catcall women, a man who catcalls is inherently zero value regardless of anything else about him, period!

[–]Twohagsover30 117 points118 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Honey. no.

You're 20. This is the time to focus on you and you alone.

Get your career/education on the right track. Work on your friendships with other women. Get your style/health to the place YOU WANT. Read the FDS handbook. Investigate therapy.

Attention from random men based on your looks is inherently dangerous.

Get yourself on the right track so that if you do choose to date in the future, YOU are that high value queen who knows her worth and can adequately judge the worth of a partner.

[–]ceedee21[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I know that I have to be the one to validate myself, but honestly it would nice to have this affirmed by someone else once in a while. I've been trying to work on friendships with women but I am literally not good at any type of relationship. Not with friends, not with my family, and my relationships with men are literally nonexistent.

I want to know that if I choose to date that I can have any man literally fall to their knees in front of me. I'm not dating now out of choice, I'm not dating cause literally no one gives me attention. Male or female.

[–]dak4f2 16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am literally not good at any type of relationship. Not with friends, not with my family, and my relationships with men are literally nonexistent.

Therapy or 12 step groups are the best for the above (relational skills growth). Therapy is best for working through the woundings around outside attention.

It might take several tries to find a therapist that works best for you. When you see one, you can even bring this post and your comments to go over with them!

[–]ceedee21[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year but then I realized that I was not making much progress with her so I will be meeting with a new one tomorrow. I'm hoping that she will be a better fit for me.

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 50 points51 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

If you went on tinder and swiped right on every single man, I guarantee you’d have more matches than you know what to do with at the end of the night.

But it’s not about quantity, is it? It’s about finding a quality man. Besides going to college, are you meeting people? Are there any activities and groups around for people of color? Do you think racism is playing a factor at all, because it’s a conservative area? Maybe I’m talking out my ass with that last question but I have a friend in a very heavy racist area in my city who experienced what felt like either some hostility or just being ignored by people.

I don’t know what your specific situation is, but I do know the more you hyper focus trying to get something or be something or do something, you may be making sacrifices elsewhere in life like your social skills, education, and building support groups that is causing you to unknowingly make yourself less attractive to be around.

Just food for thought. You already know you shouldn’t be obsessing. It’s easier said than done sometimes.

[–]ceedee21[S] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I am currently on a black dance team on campus and have recently joined another cultural organization as secretary for the next school year. I think it may be racism at this school since the majority of the study body is white. What doesn't make sense is why I didn't get any attention when I got home. They always say that men will fuck anything. If thats the case then why have I gotten zero attention from men.

I work at an escape room back home where I interact with tons of people on a day to day basis and have not been hit on once. The only reason I can think of is that perhaps people think I am young but when has that ever stopped a man. I've tried tinder and eventually just swiped on everyone cause I wanted to get as many matches as possible but that was fulfilling because pictures look much better than real life sometimes.

I know that I should not be obsessing but every time I finally am able to get my mind off of this and onto something else, there is something to remind me that I am a single, virgin 20 year old woman that cannot get a guy to save my life. I just don't know what it is. I'm not ugly, I've lost a significant amount of weight since one year ago, and I have more hips, butt and thighs then any of the skinny girls at this university.

The fact that its summer isn't gonna help either cause I'm just waiting for finals to be over so I can figure out how I can get male attention.

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 53 points54 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It sounds like, based on the other comments here, you struggle with all your relationships. If you can’t sustain friendships, relationships with family, then of course you are generally not going to be attractive to men either. Physical only goes so far, and if you just want attention for your physical body, you can dive into the absolute extreme of what it means to be an attractive black female, having the right “look” and “body type”and style and makeup and hair. But extremes are not attainable or sustainable without extreme measures that involve a lot of sacrifice.

You are hoping men will fawn over you, but that is such an unattractive attitude. There very well may have been men subtly interested and you never noticed because you were so obsessed with being objectified. That’s what it sounds like you want, is objectification. To be consumed. And that reeks of desperation which may be exactly what’s scaring mild mannered men away from you.

I don’t know you, none of this is a personal hit. I want you to be successful, and to find romance and love, but for the right reasons.

Please continue to work on yourself in therapy and take time to reflect on the kindness you are showing yourself, because wanting to be objectified by men for some type of gratification seems like the most unkind sort of self love attitude you can take.

[–]she_is_munchkins 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the answer OP!

I wish you luck on your journey. I went through something similar at about your age, and I only realized on the other side of the fence that the grass isn't really greener in objectification land.

I suggest a lot of self work (therapy and spiritual work) and learning to truly love yourself outside of external validation. It will happen (finding self love), and when you get there you won't care if men are fawning over you or not. Male attention is hella cheap, and honestly doesn't amount to anything. You're worth way more than that, it's just that you need to see it ❤

[–]queenagave 26 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

so I can figure out how to get attention from men

Stop with this thinking. You need to actively remind yourself to think of something else. It'll be hard but this way of thinking is going to get you hurt, emotionally and possibly physically. Say this everytime you start thinking about men's attention:

I DO NOT NEED A MAN OR HIS ATTENTION TO DEFINE MY WORTH.

Leave yourself notes pointing out features and things about yourself that you like. Buy yourself flowers, take yourself out, get yourself gifts and become soooooo comfortable with treating yourself.

DO NOT SETTLE FOR THE FIRST GUY WHO PAYS ATTENTION TO YOU. TRUST ME, YOURE WORTH MORE.

Do you have a therapist? What are your hobbies? If you feel your school is racist, can you switch? I feel like this is stemming from a lack of confidence in yourself. The girlfriend part is hard, do you have bumble bff? That can help link you to locals.

[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I already do most of that stuff besides taking myself on dates and getting flowers cause I live in a small home and have nothing to do with flowers. I “treat myself” but thats honestly cause no one else is gonna buy anything for me besides my mother.

I have a therapist (recently switched and will be seeing a new on tmrw), I like dancing, playing ukulele and roller skating, I already transferred to this school. When I said racist I meant that the guys at this school probably just don’t like black girls which is why I guess I have never been hit on. I’ve used bumble bff up here at school but a lot of girls aren't on it.

I’ve tried changing the way of thinking and it worked for while but then something would happen to get my attention back on the fact that men don’t give me attention.

[–]jagupp 51 points52 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hmm, You seem to be posting the same thing using alt accounts all the time. Ive seen the same writing/questions on vindicta and its replacement subs too. Is there a reason you keep posting this again and again without actually taking anyone’s advice? It’s always about you feeling undesirable, men not paying attention, you posting pics of yourself asking if you’re ugly. Honestly, you need to stop.

You’re wallowing in your alleged misery and turning it into a self fulfilling prophecy. This has literally been going on for months. I think you need to delete Reddit and tune back into reality. Nothing is going to help if you’re not actually open to help. And Reddit isn’t the place. Get a therapist. Work on yourself. Keep your mind occupied with work, hobbies. Stop seeking the views of strangers on the internet. You’re just deflecting from actually working on yourself. Stop keeping yourself in a rut and seek actual solutions for your low self esteem.

[–]eru378 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the best advice here. Online cannot help you, OP. Please log off and go and live meaningfully in the world. You may not like this advice, but as someone older who's been where you are, I implore you to take it.

I remembered that you made a similar post a little while ago, and I commented something similar then that I stand by - you need to get off reddit. It is hindering you greatly.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You're at the most vulnerable state to have a boyfriend precisely because you want it so much.

I've read your history posts and they have the same pattern: why no man hit on me

Have parents & siblings? How's your relationship with them? Where's your family support?

I lost my virginity at 26. I didn't date during your age. By the age 31 I completed my life checklist. And a man was right on the bottom of that list. By 40 im debt free with my own house & car. Yes I also supported my mother too financially.

I don't have any regrets because I'm now fully independent and I've lived a very rich life full of experiences.

Can you actually see yourself in the future and ensure that there'll be no point in life you'll look back with regret? Because you wasted so much energy wanting a man?

Are you happy with your study? Your health? What do you see yourself as a career? Where do you want to travel? What kind of friendship you want to build?

These questions will define your life as you grow older I.e. independence and experiences.

So far it seems you're stuck in 'wanting a boyfriend' and yet you also want to get out of that state of mind quickly.

I know you're bored with this advice but you must work on yourself first. How? Everyone's different.

I did it by setting goals & priorities. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?

Seems something bigger at play too. Either it is your mental health (depression? Anxiety?) and lack of support network.

If you don't feel like making friends that's OK but you must find what you like to do.

And stop comparing with other girls who have men. It's not a competition nor an achievement.

Men are irrelevant and really they have no added value.

Date yourself. Pretend yourself is your man & your bestie.

Go work out, then have a long bath with candle, read in the tub, put your fave perfume and wear your fave dress. Go out and have that coffee or food.

Do things that makes you feel good. Don't turn into external validation thinking men and social media are all that. They're not.

Be in love with yourself. So other people / men are only cherry on top. As you yourself is the cake with the icing.

You have a whole life ahead of you. Make it rich for yourself. Not for others. Heaven forbid not for men.

[–]ceedee21[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Not much family support cause my family is not very affectionate and I do not have any relationship with my extended family. At the moment I am not exactly sure what I wanna be, I just know that I wanna make a lot of money. I am currently having appointments with my career counselor on campus to figure out what I wanna do but its super stressful cause I'm a junior about to be a senior next year.

I have almost no experience with men at all. My father left and I have no brothers so this led to me being awkward with guys, I also was not the prettiest in high school.

I think I'm just this obsessed with male attention because every time that I am successful at getting my attention off of it by focusing on something else my attention always somehow goes back to male attention.

I feel like at this point the only way to stop is for me to actually get it. When I was in high school I waited and just assumed it would happen in college. I don't wanna wait anymore so I've been improving my appearance so I get more attention.

Other than that I have recently been listening to positive affirmations in my headphones as I sleep and listening to self love affirmations in the mornings while I do my routine.

[–]dak4f2 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My father left

Have you worked with your therapist on how this abandonment trauma may lead you to seek the validation and attention of other males, and worked to heal this wound?

[–]ceedee21[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not with my past therapist. I told her about that and honestly now that I think of it haven't spoken about it much about it but I will definitely make that something I discuss with my new therapist.

[–]raphaellastorm 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Boys your age are honestly really dumb and lack maturity so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Eventually when they grow up a bit and realize they might be forever alone, they will be all over you, but they will still be dumb and not worth your time. Focus on being amazing and doing what you want and makes you happy. A guy is never going to make you happy or give you whatever you feel like deep down you are lacking on your own. Only you can. The earlier you realize this, the better your life will be.

[–]so_crat_ic 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sometimes I watch this YouTube channel called Infinite Waters. He talks about how your vibe attracts your tribe. but he also says people will come to love you by your work. So if you don't go outside, and watch Netflix mostly, there's not much of a way for people to get to know you. but when you CREATE something. something new. something from your soul, people will see it in themselves and be attracted to you.

I've had more male attention than I ever wanted, but to be honest. most of it came from my work in computers. I was surrounded by men, and a lady who likes computers is a rare commodity.

Even if what you are doing is not unique, but is a creation of your soul, I think it attracts people though. because they can see what you are like, and how do you do things. I would say, maybe don't be afraid to explore non-dating hobbies, because that is how you will get the most high value attention.

This is the reason I don't do dating apps, or singles groups. I don't want the attention of just anyone. I want them to be high value.

[–]ceedee21[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That makes so much sense. I’ll try finding new hobbies where I can hopefully meet some guys. Thanks for the comment.

[–][deleted]  (6 children) | Copy Link

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[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

I feel like its easier to say that I should be grateful that men don't like me when you have already gotten attention from men. I want to feel the same way that you do but I think that I am not able to because I have not had a bad experience with a man yet.

I want to get that experience with a guy so that I can judge for myself and hopefully that will stop me from obsessing over male attention.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link

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[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I've never thought about it honestly. I don't know if its an ocd thing cause I don't think there are many things that I have obsessed about like this but I will be sure to mention the possibility of this with my new therapist.

Thanks for the insight.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–]ceedee21[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That sounds pretty good! I’ll definitely make this another priority in my mental health and in my therapy sessions. Thank you so much!

[–]p0werdrift 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hi I’ve been lurking and learning from this thread. As a fellow young black woman i know how it feels to feel invisible. Therapy is a good option to require your needs for validation, attention and affirmation from external sources to more internal sources.

That said, it’s important to recognize how much of our upbringing as bipoc women is grooming to make it easier for other people to take advantage of us. I look at it as inter generational negging, begging if you’re not aware comes in the form of backhanded compliments and outright “well meaning” suggestions that are 1-meant to destroy our self esteem with reinforcing our insecurities and 2- emotionally manipulate and control us through our basic human desire to be appreciated and seen. This comes in the form of largely emotionally manipulative/abusive if not emotional or physically absent parents and later partners if you don’t do the work on yourself. Guys and some ladies, even friends, will see your insecurities through your need for their attention and take advantage. I wish this wasn’t the case but unfortunately that’s the truth.

Before I go any further I want to say I think it’s awesome that you’re therapy journey and I congratulate you on embarking on what is a very tough path!

However it’s a long road and it’s one you gotta do alone.

I went through from what I can tell a really similar challenge with my self esteem at your age and promptly was taken advantage of and breadcrumbed and out right resented by both of my most formative relationships with first a short series of hookups another older black woman i called a friend very much a bully, and second a slightly older fuckboy (black as well) who I was with for 2 years who did the utmost minimum.

Both were situationships that were highly painful, trauma bonded and toxic. Ultimately had I have found this Reddit and had more therapy been much more assertive and capable of advocating for myself. That’s why I’m glad you continue to search for help in a community that affirms you, and even happier to be there for someone who feels like my little sister.

That said, I bring my experiences because you have to take responsibility for your self esteem otherwise you will certainly be caught in a loop of seeking it elsewhere. This is the hardest part of self development and growth as an independent woman which I am struggling to grow right now too.

Address those mother and father wounds, do something small each day that makes you feel good and talk yourself up-like compliment yourself in the mirror. Be especially kind to yourself in your self talk. But remember especially in regards to how you treat yourself-honesty without kindness is brutality, kindness without honesty is manipulation.

It’s okay to want a loving, respectful, caring and committed relationship. Don’t ever feel guilty bout that girl. Demand it, don’t settle for less and understand that most men are intimidated by a young woman who knows her worth, if you indicate that you are doubtful they will take advantage and break your heart. Your heart is sacred. Only you know, and can find out what makes her sing. One day someone worthy add a nice duet but know the song she sings is a hit platinum single all on her own. Edit: people will sing along when you belt your own tune first

Much love precious!

[–]ceedee21[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I always find it comforting to hear that I am not the only one who is struggling at this age, especially from other black women. I'm still learning to love myself and hoping that affirmations and positive self talk will help. My self esteem has suffered for all of my adolescence and all of young adult hood up to this point.

I'm really hoping to start taking control of how I view myself and hopefully on the way a nice boy starts to appreciate me as much as I will myself. Or perhaps even some nice women who want to be friends.

Thank you so much for your comment, it was very comforting to read!

[–]p0werdrift 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

**VERY IMPORTANT NOTE I WANT TO ADD HERE

Learn about lovebombing and the foundations of a healthy relationship in therapy. There are a lot of predators out there that will sniff out the need for attention and be very selective about who you let get close to you based on what they do consistently and not how you feel okay? Stay safe sis. I just wanted to make sure that was in there

[–]p0werdrift 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also my dear, a girl existing is a girl existing. There’s nothing wrong with just being.

[–]laffytaggy 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Consider it a blessing. Trust me.

[–]_laufaeson 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

While I can’t comment on this from a BIPOC perspective, I can say that it’s not worth it. I’m not conventionally pretty in any sense of the word, so I rarely if ever get male attention. It took me a long time in my 20’s to just get comfortable with the idea of being single forever. I met my husband in my 30’s, and while we are getting divorced (goodbye, trash), I need to learn to be ok with being a spinster again. Do I want to have someone in my life again? Of course I do. But I also have to recognize that my happiness will be contingent on my outlook on life. You just have to work at learning to change your viewpoint.

[–]ms_monquisFDS Specialist 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't get that kind of attention either and it didn't take me long to realize that the kind of men who throw themselves at strange women are the men I don't want.

Not even being theoretical or philosophical here: I have a couple of friends who are the type that constantly attract male attention. I had one hot minute of resentment when I'd go out with one of those women and men would pile on her and leave me invisible. But then I took advantage of the situation to anthropologist that shit and recognize the difference between what I thought was happening and what was actually happening.

Yes, they were getting "attention." And sometimes they even wanted that attention. But not once, not even once, did that attention lead to anything good. When those friends of mine wound up in relationships, it was the same way I did, which was not by having some knucklehead follow me around in the grocery store, but by cultivating relationships with friends of friends, work networking, etc.

Being looked at as a potential conquest is not the good time a lot of us think it will be.

[–]Hhjjuuy 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

You mention male friends but do you have a good group of female friends as well? It can be really hard to build our worth internally from the ground up but other women who like us and care for us can really help with it.

If you can't focus fully on yourself for now, focus on the relationships you have with other women first. You can build and grow together. It really is so much more valuable than sexual attention from men.

And as a potential bonus, widening and deepening your circle of female friends might eventually lead to them introducing you to a decent man who will see you for all that you are worth.

[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

By male friends I guess I mean guys in my friend group who are males, I wouldn't exactly consider them "friends". I do have some female "friends" as well but I almost feel like everyone in my life is just something between an acquaintance and friend.

I do want to make more female friends though but I guess I don't exactly know how I will do that over the summer since the majority of my social interaction is from school. I'm also trying to figure out how I can meet friends through hobbies. I like dancing and am trying to learn to roller skate so I've been thinking of perhaps going to a roller rink this summer but I am open to any suggestions on how to meet more women.

[–]Hhjjuuy 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you're into skating see if there's a roller derby team local to you to join. If that might be too rough for you bridge the gap with the women you hang out with now by inviting them to skate with you instead of going alone. You can only turn acquaintances to friends with time and shared experiences. It can be daunting to move from the set interactions in school to something outside of that but it is so worth it if you end up hitting it off. College friends can turn into deep lifelong bonds.

A dance team/class/studio is another great way to meet people. I feel like you already have it in you to do the things you want, you just can't quite see it yet.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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