~ archived since 2018 ~

Why is this so hard

April 5, 2021

Hi, im a 20f black junior in college. I feel like I come here every 2 months.

I started my level up journey in January. This mostly consisted of physical change like working out to lose weight and get a nicer body in general and doing make, clothes, etc. I’m also seeing a therapist to help with my self esteem and to gain some confidence. My problem has always been that I compare myself too much and I feel like FDS and FLUS have helped but I feel like almost every month I go back to being miserable and comparing again.

Im 20 years olds. Why are there 18 who haven’t had to go on a level up journey to find confidence and learn to love themselves? Why are there ppl younger than me who can find boyfriends and friends with no effort while I am doing all that I can to find companionship? Why are there college freshman who are so much more confidence than I can ever dream of being? Why are there younger girls out there who have lost their virginity but I am still struggling to even get a guy to say hi to me?

I know that the comments are telling me that I have to validate myself but thats all I’ve been doing. Even before I started FDS. Affirmations, talking to myself in the mirror. I pray, I talk to God. I don’t know whats going on. Why isn’t any of this working? I just want to know why I’m not getting the results I want.

I know in still young and only a couple months into my leveling up but why are there girls out there who have already achieved all I want without FDS and also while being younger than me.

Thank you for reading.

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Post Information
Title Why is this so hard
Author ceedee21
Upvotes 8
Comments 16
Date April 5, 2021 2:25 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/why-is-this-so-hard.792269
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/mklwoy/why_is_this_so_hard/

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 11 points12 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s not even about where you’re at in your journey compared to them, because you‘re on a different path. Why is it easier for them? Because their path is easier. Why is their path easier? Who honestly knows. They could have more resources, they could have less trauma, or they could be willing to accept less. They could be walking on a smooth wooden boardwalk, in bare feet, not realizing they are collecting splinters along the way.

My point is, you will never be happy when you compare yourself to others. I can think of hundreds of women who I wish I could be, but our journeys are not the same. You have to learn to stop comparing yourself to others and start focusing on comparing yourself to you. The you who accepted less than she deserved, the you who didn’t care about your mental or physical health in a tangible way, the you who who allowed herself to be 2nd place to other things in your own life instead of putting yourself first. You aren’t leveling up to be better than other women, that’s a lose lose situation. You are leveling up to be a better version of yourself.

And I know none of that really solves the problem, but that’s because the problem is about the mindset, and only you can change that for yourself.

You sound like a young woman who is learning what she wants, who wants to better, who is reflective and intelligent and full of hope, and I can’t imagine you not succeeding once you shift your mindset to be about who you were and who you are. 🌸💖

[–]ceedee21[S] 3 points4 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

I've always know that comparison had been my downfall. I want to know how to stop it for good. I've been in therapy for over a year now and still feel like I don't know how to not compare myself, especially on my dance team where they are constantly telling me "look at yourself in comparison to everyone else".

I'm open to hearing how I can stop comparing myself in dance and also just in general.

Thank you for your comment.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

Do you talk to your therapist about your issues with comparison and how much it effects your self esteem?

[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

Yes, very often actually

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

I’m just finding it hard to understand how there hasn’t been any progress in a whole year. Do you think you don’t deserve to be judged on your own merit? Or is it perhaps intrusive thoughts that you need to redirect?

[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

Honestly I find it hard to believe that I haven't made much progress either. I think perhaps the intrusive thoughts thing. Could you perhaps reword the first question in a simpler way?

[–]CashMoneyCarrots1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

I disagree with the above poster. That’s not how therapy works. You will never stop comparing yourself to people. You will just learn to manage it so it doesn’t disrupt your daily life.

Personally, I moved on once I realized as a Latina that the white supremacist industrial complex feeds off of my insecurity. Find an activist womanist group on campus and talk to outspoken Black women about your feelings, and they will set you right for sure. Sisterhood will always carry you further than individualism.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I disagree. There’s a maturity that comes with time and/or age that allows you to refrain from comparison. Therapy does work to help with things like this because therapy can teach you how to redirect your thoughts, find your strengths, etc. There’s usually some specific trigger or set of triggers that can be addressed.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Basically what I was asking was just to get you to think critically about your impulse to compare yourself. Why do you do it? What triggers you to do it? Is it specifically due to using social media, or do you also tend to compare yourself to women in real life?

Have you tried journaling? The commenter below encourages finding community and I don’t disagree, but as a human comparing yourself to other humans, community will only get you halfway.

If it’s a social media issue, you should probably take a break from it. It’s causing issues for most women in your age group.

[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

I don't know if I have any triggers. Probably when I see that I am having a hard time with something and I see someone else get it with ease. I've been comparing myself to others since I was like 5 years old in kindergarden. The teachers would always tell me mother that I wanted to do what the other kids were doing. I mostly compare myself to people in real life cause I know social media is editing and angles and mostly fake.

I've tried journaling but not super often, I maybe do it once in a while when I feel especially bad.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I would recommend journaling through your feelings every time you feel yourself starting to slip into comparison.

  1. What about this other person’s situation makes me feel envious or inadequate?

  2. Do I truly want what they have? Is it right for me and my life/path?/Is getting or doing what they have/do even possible?

3A. If no- write about how you would feel if you moved on from this particular comparison. 3B. If yes- time to make a plan for how you can have your own version of what you’re envying.

  1. To make a plan, use SMART to guide you. Make sure your goal is: • Specific • Measurable • Attainable • Relevant • Time-bound (be realistic)

Ideally you always strive to be the best version of YOU. Honor yourself by giving yourself permission to grow and be imperfect. Honor others by not putting them on a pedestal.

[–]ceedee21[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Okay, I see how this can help me. What if the comparisons are about relationships? For example “she has boyfriend and I don’t” or “she has a good friend group and I don’t” or “she has a great relationship with her parents and I don’t”

[–]CashMoneyCarrots1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

I get you. Affirmations don’t work on me either. Too practical for that ish. Let’s try something else:

You’re literally 20. How are you going to feel when you’re 30 or 50? Are you planning to die once you get a wrinkle? You’re already ahead of so many of those girls, many of who will use all that confidence to walk into bedrooms with NVM who will traumatize them forever. My advice is to set a 10-year, 20-year, and 50-year plan. Watch Grace and Frankie on Netflix, and look forward to being an old single hag. You have no idea what will happen!! You could be widowed, you could be a virgin at 60, you could be divorced, you could be rich! Who knows!! You have soooooo much time.

Slow. Down. The pressure you’re putting on yourself is only going to lead you in one direction, and it’s worse than being single forever: sexual and emotional trauma from NVM. You won’t forget that stuff, trust me. I used to be you, except I didn’t go to therapy nor have FDS to back me up. I ended up becoming a low-key alcoholic and exposing myself to lots of fun sexual trauma.

You’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to have regrets no matter what. Here’s my gift to you: focus on patience. Be patient with yourself. All of the things you just started doing are going to take years. You won’t perfect any of the things you mentioned until you’re thirty. Even the makeup!

So just slow down and enjoy the ride. Find a cool FDS girlfriend to smoke weed with and talk about philosophy. Focus on making grades and making money. Chase the bag!!! All those stupid frat boys are terrible, horrible, not any good in bed. Get an internship and expose yourself to life after college.

Best of luck! Hope that helps!

[–]ceedee21[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’ve focusing on myself, and my grades and money and all of that. FDS has taught me that if I focus on myself others will be attracted. But that hasn’t happened yet, with guys or girls.

I also don’t wanna think about being 60 and a virgin, I would honestly off myself if that was the case.

[–]dkwantsdk 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There are girls under 20 that have achieved everything you want?? From what I'm reading of your post, you want to fit in and have external validation. These are valid human wants but they should not encompass everything you want. If a 19yo has everything you want, you are scrounging for scraps on the floor and not shooting for the stars. Achieving your goals is how you find that inner validation.

[–]eru378 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you should take a step away from online communities and social media for a while and put serious energy into being out in the real world. FDS and FLUS are supposed to be helpful and supportive communities, and they clearly have been for you, but they're also obviously the source of a lot of anxiety and pain for you and that's not good. The "level up" talk in FDS and FLUS makes me a bit weary and I don't think it's necessarily a useful approach.

I've been where you are emotionally, and only two things have ever helped. One is to work at things that take sustained and intense physical and/or mental effort or sustained application of a skill set, and that make me proud of what I've achieved (i.e. not about instant gratification). Read and finish a difficult book. Improve my lifting numbers. Sing in a choir. Get through my tertiary studies. The other is time spent connecting with others and cultivating good relationships, whether it's a phone call to my mother or a nice chat with the barista at my favourite cafe or even just smiling at a baby on the train. And no social media!!

Try to get out of your own head and instead of fixating on who you want to be, think about what you want to do, and then do it.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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